Thursday, December 29, 2011


What a wonderful day!  Dano is sooo excited.  This morning, we are off for her first photo shoot.. :)  She's getting her Zed/Comp cards done and wants to see if she has what "it takes" to be a model.  It's hard to see her get her hopes up, I don't want her to be super devastated if no one calls her.. I HOPE she gets called.. but I am biased of course and think they will ALL call her.. haha  I haven't done a shoot for about 15 years.. I am kind of excited too.. sshhh. 
I hope to get a few pictures of us together so we have something.. taking 'self portraits' on the iphone together just doesn't really cut it anymore.. 
I am off til next year!  Happy New Year kids..   xoxo

Thursday, December 22, 2011

My baby....

Something new~ish..

Lots to update on..  After 1 1/2 years of doing itworks (see link to the right for I have gone from a high of 175 lbs down now to about 145 lbs.  I have fluctuated a little.. but that is normal I think.  That said, having a broken back and leg (October 2008) it's been very difficult for me to "exercise".  I was (very past tense) doing some hiking in the hills by the house, but during the summer, it was 100+ degrees, so I stopped.  NOW is the perfect time to put my shape ups back on and hit the dirt.  I did actually clean up my garage.  FINALLY.  HOW on earth it gets as cramped as it does, I have no idea.  
Anyhoo, with the garage cleaned up, I can get to my BOWFLEX!!!!  I am soo happy.  I saw an ad with JWOWW (NO, I DO NOT WATCH JERSEY SHORE), modeling some new bikini's.  I want to look like that.  I've lost the dreaded weight, and kept it off, now I need to "firm it all up".  I think once I start using my bowflex about 14 times per week, I will start feeling better about myself.  Notice, I didn't say "look" better or anything. How I look depends on what I see, not others.  So, as long as I feel good about me, it's all good.  RIGHT? 
On another note.. nah.  Nevermind. :)  
Now that it is a few days til Christmas, I can't wait to have Dano open her presents. I got her some things that she really doesn't know she wants.  HAHA  Once she opens them, she'll be happy.  Seeing that HUGE smile on her face is the best present to me ever.  For any holiday. Any day of the year.   Her dad and his side of the family have taken so much advantage of me, it's not even funny.  I am not in a position to fight it.  I don't like that.  But, AFTER the holidays, I will be better able to.  I'm looking forward to that.  I know in my heart I can't control everything, but it's hard to accept it.  I'm trying.  Growing up, I HATED to be alone.  Like REALLY.  As I've grown into an adult (ok, a cleverly disguised adult.. haha) I cherish the alone times.  Having full custody for the last 7 months, and having Dano with me all the time has been absolutely wonderful.  It's teaching me so many things as a mother.  What I should and shouldn't talk about to her etc..  She's 11 going on 25.  It's been like that for years tho.  She's much more mature that most kids her age.  It is what it is.. I'm still learning too.  She's been gone the last two nights.  I've had "alone" time.  Quite honestly, it sucks.  Hhmm maybe, I enjoyed being alone, but I don't like being LONELY.  Does that make sense?  I KNOW not to base my loneliness or happiness or anything on my child.. that is wrong and I KNOW that.. I'm just so used to her being around is all.. I cleaned last night, like grout in the kitchen tile, took apart the vacuum to get all the hair out of it so it would spin again (we shed SOO much, I don't know how neither of us is bald yet),  steam cleaned the floor, changed out tube lighting in the kitchen, steam cleaned the couches etc... so I kept myself busy, then I started to read.  "Why men LOVE Bitches" by Sherry Argov.  WOW.. Couldn't put it down.  Great book. I have been playing the "Nice woman" for WAAAY too long in my life.. I can actually SEE in hindsight what I've been doing wrong for so many years.. Pretty cool actually.  Anyway, I've gone on and on about really nothing.. so have a great day.. .:) 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Care to explain?

I don't understand people.. Fact: I am a single mother.. I pay for all my own things.. house, truck, bills etc.  If I want something, I have to pay cash (AFTER bills etc are paid), or I don't get it.. (I don't want cc's to get further into debt)..   I can NOT fathom HOW people can BLOW OFF certain things because they are selfish.  Let's say.. Child support.  It is a COURT ORDERED bill.. like Alimony.  You would think, as the PAYER that you would make sure that gets paid on time so that they courts don't come after you.  Ok sidenote: Do courts even DO that?  I guess not, since so many people are so far behind it doesn't matter anymore.. Anyway.. I guess people don't see a reason to pay things like that.. or a JOINT car payment that shouldn't have been joint in the first place..  INSTEAD, let's go out an buy a new iPhone!  Ya.. let's do that.. my kid doesn't need any money or anything... and that old car.. I crashed it anyway.. it's just sitting there.. why bother paying that..  AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH  I can't figure out WHY/HOW people are so irresponsible.   
And then, the "other guy" (family) that borrows and borrows, and never pays back.. then "borrows" your SS# to open an account, and CONTINUE to rack it up, and NEVER PAY FOR IT, so that I get collection letters saying I owe over $3,800 for something that isn't even MINE!  In trying to DISPUTE said account.. "It's YOUR SS #, it is YOUR bill"..   after 8 attempts to dispute and hearing the same thing... I'm over it.  My hours have been reduced drastically, and now I'm trying to cut every corner I can to make ends meet.. My kid knows about it, and that doesn't exactly make things any better..   Ya.  Merry Christmas.  

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The last part..

The last part to my being annoyed this morning, this has been bothering me for quite a while now..
Who are we as human beings to "JUDGE" others? I mean, what makes you so much better than the person sitting next to you that you can pass judgment on them? Just as they are no better than you to judge you.
Or so you would think. There are people out there, as I mentioned this morning,  who will look down their noses at you as if they belong on some pedestal, and judge you for just about anything. They are no better. In fact, I personally feel the reason that people do this is because they themselves are ashamed. I may be wrong, but that is how I see it. They are ashamed of themselves, so they will look down on others to make them feel better. It is a sad way to live life. And in the end, they really don't have any of what are called REAL "friends".
I am guilty of judging others. However, I am trying REALLY hard to not do so.. I am no better than anyone. I want to be a good person. I want to be equals with people, granted I don't know that it's possible to be equals with everyone.. we just don't think the same. I want to be happy.  so I gotta be a good person, and stop judging others, even for petty things.. because even the petty things hurt.


Why am I going full circle..

So who believes in Fate and all that happens is for some reason or another? Yea, me neither. I mean, once I did. I really did. But the more I think about it, it seems a complete waste to leave everything up to "chance" really. If I want something to happen in my life, I have to Make it happen.  Not leave it up to "fate" or "chance" or whoever to do it for me. I mean, where would that lead me?  If I had done that, let's just say, I wouldn't be the happiest person. Who knows how things would be at this point.. it didn't happen, so Oh Well right?
I guess some things happen for a reason to some degree. Subtely of course. Like the guy who lost his job and was just about broke but because he put his resume out there to every single company he could find, he got a job offer. Things are going well for him now. But did he make that happen with hard work and diligence or did it all happen for a reason to perhaps teach him the lesson that job security doesn't exist and you better have something to fall back on if you ever do get let go?
I still don't know. Maybe a little of both. I would like to think that. I like to try to learn something from all experiences that I've had. You have some bad ones, and you learn from them and swear not to repeat it, but then "fate"(?) steps in and there you are all over again. Is it fate that brought you there? Or your own doing because it's just something you wanted to do again? At what point do you say, "the first time, that was a mistake.. I did it again, now this time it's not a mistake tho, this was a CHOICE".. And what about regret? Do you regret anything? What's the point of regret anyway?  We obviously can't CHANGE the past, but again learn from it, and move on...  I have WAAY too much on my mind right now... 

Same shit.. different (insert whatever)..

I am REALLY annoyed today.  I am appalled at how people look down their noses at others.  I mean, WHO are you that you think you are better than ANYONE else!?  I am not better than anyone.. I am VERY honest about that.  I am almost FORTY YEARS OLD.  (Ok, in a year and three months) I am TOO OLD to be playing juvenile high school bullshit games.  MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS.  What I do, say, anything, is NONE OF YOUR business.. and vice versa, of course.  When I do something, it does not become YOUR concern to go broadcast to others.  YOU ARE NOT BETTER than I am.  I *THOUGHT* we are all equal.  I mean, we WERE created equal if I recall correctly.  Apparently, my feeble attempt at trying to convince myself that people really are my "friend"s, blew up in my face yet again.  Think about it.. we are alone in this world, and we die alone.  That handful of people that haven't stabbed you in the back, or front for that matter, or lied to you or whatever else, may mourn you when you are gone.. but you are alone.  TRUST is a word very similar to LOVE.  Words that are thrown around just as much as gossip about others.  Saying "I love you" is HUGE.  That is actually TRUSTING someone with your emotions.  People take it for granted all too often.  TRUST is earned, and it really doesn't take much to destroy that.  Like most, I tend to shut people out once they've destroyed it (including immediately family members).  I've gone so far as tattooing it on my arm as a constant reminder to  "shut your mouth self.. you are just going to get pissed off for trying yet again to prove yourself wrong"...  I think my next tat should be something like "don't be an idiot, everybody hates you".. or something.. 

Monday, December 19, 2011

Exciting things ahead..

It was an interesting weekend.  Dano was sick, still is.  Nasty head cold.. Not strep Thank Goodness.. Anyway, we went to do a bit of shopping at the market.  Dano and I were being goofy as usual, when a women came up and started telling Dano that she was beautiful, and should be a model etc.. Oh great.. more info to feed that kids ego.. haha  Well, later last night, we sat and talked about it.  I told her I had looked into it about a year ago, and she got pretty upset as to WHY I hadn't done more.  I told her about when I did a little print work back in the day, and now she is super DUPER excited, to say the least.  We called my photog and set up a day next week to do a photo shoot with her. (I kinda want to do a couple shots just to compare how much or little I've changed in the last 20 years, and also do a few shots of us together.. I always TAKE the pictures, I'm never in them.. )  I already have the place picked out..  
So, once we get the shots done, need to make Zed/comp cards made up to send out to some agents.  Apparently"biracial" kids are in demand.. Not sure what to make of that one.. haha  Just wanted to "share" that.. I'm really excited FOR her.. she's cute and all.. we'll see.. ;) 

Friday, December 16, 2011

SMH... (again)

I *SWEAR* it was only like 3 weeks ago, Dano had strep for 2nd time this year.. I thought she was just nervous because she had a band recital (sax) today at 2:15pm.  Nope.. fever, swollen tonsils the works.. poor baby.. Strep AGAIN.  She's scared, but man, after 3 or 4 times a year for last 4 years, it's time to get those suckers out.  I was an adult.. well, 22 yrs old when I got mine out.. she SHOULD be a rockstar.. all kinds of ice cream, apple sauce, pudding, jello etc.. Man, a couple days off work, lose a few lbs, I'd be ALL over it!  hahahaha
Anyway, here's to laying around doing nothing all weekend. :)  Going to head out and pick up her favorite organic Tomato Basil soup and some sourdough bread.. maybe a couple fire logs.. and just cuddle that kid to death til she feels better... Good thing I got a BIG jar of nyquil last month... 

Poor baby.. :( 

More Changes..

This past year, there have been a lot of changes in my life.. Mostly for the better.. No need to be negative nelly about the bad stuff.  Yesterday in the mail, I received my reward for spending what seemed to be at LEAST 10 hours of my life trying to make a rather big change.  I got my new drivers license, WITH my new name.  After my divorce was finalized back in 2005 or somewhere around there, I decided it was time to change my name.. I thought about it and thought about it.. and yes, hindsight IS 20/20 and now am glad I did what I did.  I've gone thru a few chapters in my life with different names.  My birth name was one chapter of course.. kinda long too.  TOO long for my taste but, it is what it is.  Then I got married.  We'll skip the diatribe here about what a mistake it was, how could I have been drunk for so many years, blah blah, etc. ANOTHER chapter that was too long.  Meh.  So a few years back, I went to court, and also posted in some obscure newspaper to change my name.  My birth name was NOT something I wanted to be associated with anymore because certain people that still have that name have rather "tarnished" it.. So much so, I don't want ANY association with it.  So in 2008 I legally changed my name, to something else altogether. (and no, not Smith, tho I thought about it.. haha)  FINALLY.  Hold up.. not so fast.  I changed it legally, but never got around to actually CHANGING it and using it.  Since the "incident" occurred in June, that kind of put thoughts into my head, that I REALLY need to move on, and disassociate myself with "that" name.  About a month ago, I went for it.  Headed over to the Social Security office and turned in my paperwork to get the ball rolling.  Once I received that, I went last week to the DMV (I HATE THAT PLACE) and got a new Drivers License..  sidenote:  WHY do the employees at the DMV make sure to get THE ABSOLUTE worst picture of you they can to put on your DL?!?!?!) 
Anyway, I got it in the mail yesterday.  FINALLY.  New chapter starting NOW. Off to change the bank info, checks, atm card, all my utility accounts, work, paycheck etcetera... ugh.. fun times.. haha
The only REAL drawback I see now: Dano told me "That's great.. but now you aren't my mom anymore"..  :( EVERYTHING is different now.. but it's still the same..    RIGHT??

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Christmas Recipe.. try it.. ;)

I have YET to make this but I think I'll have to give it a whirl tonight.. ;) 

The Best Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe You Ever Tried!
Guaranteed to be fun to make!
Christmas Whiskey Cake

1 cup butter
2 cups sugar
6 large eggs
2 teaspoons baking powder
3 cups flour, sifted
1/2 t. salt
1 cup bourbon
1 pound pecans, chopped
3 cups white raisins (or use candied fruit)
1 t. nutmeg
~ a very large bottle of bourbon whiskey ~

First, sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Assemble all of the ingredients. Check the whiskey again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat this step.
Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and cream until beat.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay... try another cup.
Turn off the mixer. Beat six leggs and add to the bowl,
then chunk in the cup of dried flut. Mix on the tuner.
Throw in two quarts of flour. Gradually pour in the cow.
Add 2 dried anything.
If the fried druit gets struck in the beaters, pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check it again for tonsistency.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares???
Check the whiskey again.
Now sift the nutmeg and strain your nuts. Add one table.
And the spoon. Of whiskee. Or something. Whatever you find left.
Grease the oven.
Turn the crake pan to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Pour the oven into the batter. Throw the bowl out the window.
Lick the batter off the floor.
Bake 300 minutes at 50 degrees.
Finish the blobble of whishy and flow to bed.

Just Pink..

I ABSOLUTELY ADORE PINK... This is one of my FAVORITE songs... what a character.. and a voice.. 

Christmas Tree..

Dano wanted me to post the picture of our tree this year.. considering last year, Lilah ATE the real tree.. lights and extension cord included.. we got a fake tree.. Shut it.  I don't want to hear it.. I am STILL finding pine needles from LAST YEARS tree.. so put a sock in it.  Anyway, here it is.. it's pretty damn it!  

Christmas is almost here..

Ok.. So Christmas is almost here.. I do want to update y'all on the one year mark of my weightloss journey with it works.. aka also over there on the right side.. that will be another day... ANYHOO... so, I got Dano some stuff for Christmas.. not a lot because my hours at work got severely cut and I am now part time.. BOO! (this is where I turn back into scrooge.. ) so the little things I got for her, that she really wants but doesn't know it yet, got boxed up to be wrapped.  She decided that she REALLY (read out loud VERY dramatically and annoying) wanted to wrap some presents.  Considering she's 11 and has no job, just mooches off Mom all the time, I bought myself a couple small things, and she wrapped them.  THEN, wonderful, giving, stupendous mother that I am, I let her wrap her own presents.. HA!  Genius I say!  She didn't SEE what the gifts were, I wrapped them very carefully in multiple layers of colored, sparkly, tissue paper and then put into a box, which I then put into other boxes and taped shut so she couldn't get into them.  Should have been doing this for YEARS.. haha 
So, this year, she's going to hang with her Grampa on Christmas eve (he's a fireman and works Christmas Day so she gets to spend the day with him (the day before) ) She is VERY happy.. :) She'll spend the night over there, which I am not too pleased about because "that side" of her family are not very pleasant.  We'll leave it at that.   I'll pick her up at 9am on Christmas Day and bring her home to celebrate with me.. .AAAALLLLL day.. (after letting her go with them for like the last 8/9 years, it's MY TURN) .. I'm excited for Christmas!

OOOOH!  We went over to see Nonie.. (or is it Nonnie?) hhmm I just looked it IS NONNIE..  Dano and I went to spend time with her on Monday.  She just had eye surgery a few days before.  Dano and Nonnie made some cookies.. we all laughed and giggled.. at one point Dano said that me and nonnie laughed the same.. that made me smile.. :) Dano asked if she could spend a weekend with Nonnie soon, because she wants to learn to make sourdough bread, a complete dinner and learn to quilt.  Quite ambitious.. haha  I love spending time with Nonnie, and I certainly plan to do it much much more after the holidays..  She is awesome.. reminds me much of my Mim.  Ok, ok enough of that.. Happy Holidays.. Merry Christmas or whatever, you celebrate..  back in a few days.. 

This is Dano making cookies.. :)  My baby is growing up... 

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Here we go again..

Ok.. I'm back..  haha  So I did move this over to tumblr..  and that was fun.. I guess.  I mean, don't get me wrong.. tumblr is cool... if you are a teenager.  I couldn't really "blog" there.. or feel comfortable doing it I guess.  So, I'm back.  I miss talking to myself on here.. I got that "Dragon" speak/dictation software to try.. I'll let you know how that works.. if it DOES work.. It's going on Dano's laptop so she can do her homework and I don't have to type everything for her.. (seems she hunts/pecks while Mom can type apprx 90 wpm.. yay me.) Looking forward to this.. I think it really will help her with her reports, and her grades..  crossing my fingers, toes, whatever...
I'm a little scatter brained lately.. things haven't been all that great with Dano and her dad, and court etc... I have a draft I wrote in the midst of it all, and it wasn't very pleasant, but I had to get it off my chest.. I think for now it'll just stay in drafts..  Anyway, this is gonna be pretty short today, gotta go get her from school.  I'll fill ya in on more tomorrow...

Peace kids..