EndGame..

This is it.  Tomorrow is the trial.  Many of you know the situation that Dano "The Kid" and I have been on our own for a while now.  Since June 2011 to be exact.  Her "Dad" finally went over the edge so to speak and long story short, was charged by the state for domestic violence after Dano had to call 911 on him and have him arrested.  This is not the first occurrence.  This was the 5th I believe.  There was another police report for a different time it happened, that time he tried to run me over AND slashed a tire.  Quite honestly, I know what it feels like to not be able to "let go" of someone (NOT HIM in my case).  Anyway the court took away his custody and adjusted his visitation to only day visits.  No overnights for the last year and a half.  She had ONE recently, as a trial.  Her bed hadn't been slept in, in well over a year, she said there were spider webs etc.  He "brushed off" the bed, and made her sleep there.  I have thought of a MULTITUDE of ways to handle myself at the trial tomorrow.  He has a lawyer.  An idiot one at that.  I am kind of hoping that he comes in, guns a blazing with a bunch of finger pointing and she did/said this/that blah blah.  I am not backing down nor conceding however, I am not going that route.  I have 100 pages of texts back/forth with him, stating A LOT.  He's threatened her.  He's bailed out on her for HIS COURT ORDERED weekends with her, to go to the river 2 times and to Las Vegas JUST THIS PAST WEEKEND!!  I am not going in with this date he did this, and so on and so forth.  I am going just speak from my heart, and lay it all on the line.  After 1 1/2 years, and ZERO resolutions, compromise (except on my end, I compromised way more than I should have) we can not agree to anything. So now the judge will decide what happens.  Not only that, but the judge for the last 1 1/2 years, was worthless, and tomorrow is the LAST court date with A NEW JUDGE.  WTH!?   Dano has told the court two times already, told HIM and the counselor that she does NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM.  She also wrote a letter to the court and sealed it in an envelope for me to give to the judge that states HER words.  I don't know what else I can do.  I don't have money to fork out for a lawyer.  They couldn't say or express my feelings as a mother anyway.  I'm scared.  I'm scared for Dano that she just might have to live with him part time again.   She cries every time she comes home.   He calls her a liar, belittles her... She finally told him yesterday "I can't take this anymore.. I don't want to be with you..."   As a parent, as hard as it may be, but if your child does not want to see you... WHY WOULD YOU FORCE THEM to continue to do that!??!  It would be the hardest thing for me to let her go, but I would do it.  For her.  I wouldn't force her to want to see me.   Granted, I personally, would need to be committed shortly thereafter, but  that's just me.  He's doing just fine with his new girlfriend and her daughter... I wish he would just move on.     Anyway, this is it.  Please pray for me, whatever few of you that read this.. I've given up any semblance of a life, to do whatever I can for Dano.  I don't go out, haven't seen a bar to "party" for years.. I don't go to the river.. (Man, I'd LOVE to get a way!)  I can't afford to do that stuff trying to feed and clothe a growing 12 year old..   Add to that some other personal issues, that have just compounded everything, I don't "deserve" a break per se, but a little Happiness for a while, would be nice.  

LIES... and kids.

LIES.  I hate them.  Despise them.  Probably because I was so good at it long LONG ago, then it all blew up in my face.  Live and learn.  Now, I just will not lie. Period.  If you don't like what I have to say, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.  I don't have to REMEMBER what I said, or to whom, because what I say is the truth regardless who hears it.  If you want to know something and expect HONESTY, then by all means, ask me.  I am not all THAT stupid and I realize kids lie.  But when you are MY kid, and You KNOW that I can't stand lies, WHY ON EARTH would you keep trying to do it.  WHITE LIES ARE STILL LIES.  Ok, yes, I am sure I've told a few white lies, perchance to spare someones feelings or something.  Dano can't seem to get the truth out no matter what because "Either way, I'm gonna be in trouble".  See.. No.  Not true.  If I ask you to do something, and you don't "get around to doing it", not a real biggie.. sure I might make some kind of grunting noise or whatever, but it is what it is..  Now, when you talk to me on the phone, and tell me flat out "Yup I did it", and then I come home and I know you blatantly LIED to me.. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN!?!?  Now, you are grounded.. No bike, scooter, skateboard.  No Tv, no tablet, no phone, no computer.  Nothing.  Nada.  No you can't play with your friends.   You get to sit in your room AGAIN either going thru all your clothes, socks whatever to see what doesn't fit, etc.. and think about your behaviour.  Seriously.  This is ridiculous   She has to be bored at this point sitting in her room staring at the walls.   I don't even know WHAT to do anymore.  Like, I went so far as to pretty much threaten her, that when I go to trial in 2 weeks, I'll just tell the court to go back to 50/50 custody and she can stay with him again... of course she flipped out, and said no (well cried "no) etc.. so, I'm at my wits end.   12 years old sucks.  No, I don't remember this age.. Hell I don't remember much of ANYTHING really growing up.  I see pictures, and have zero recollection of being there.  Anyway... HELP!