Fate..

So who believes in Fate and all that happens is for some reason or another? Yea, me neither. I mean, once I did. I really did. But the more I think about it, it seems a complete waste to leave everything up to "chance" really. If I want something to happen in my life, I have to Make it happen. Not leave it up to "fate" or "chance" or whoever to do it for me. I mean, where would that lead me? If I had done that, let's just say, I wouldn't be the happiest person. Who knows how things would be at this point.. it didn't happen, so Oh Well right?
I guess some things happen for a reason to some degree. Subtely of course. Like the guy who lost his job and was just about broke but because he put his resume out there to every single company he could find, he got a job offer. Things are going well for him now. But did he make that happen with hard work and diligence or did it all happen for a reason to perhaps teach him the lesson that job security doesn't exist and you better have something to fall back on if you ever do get let go?
I still don't know. Maybe a little of both. I would like to think that. I like to try to learn something from all experiences that I've had. You have some bad ones, and you learn from them and swear not to repeat it, but then "fate"(?) steps in and there you are all over again. Is it fate that brought you there? Or your own doing because it's just something you wanted to do again? And what about regret? Do you regret anything? Ok, I'll leave that for another post another day....

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
William Shakespeare

Pain..

So I just had surgery last Thursday.. Ok, so I have given BIRTH for goodness sake and that was tough, but certainly not as bad as I expected. You'd think a little arthroscopic surgery would be a breeze. YA. Right. I like to think that I am a strong person, both physically and mentally.. apparently not so much. The first couple days, not so bad... I mean, seriously. However, the 4th and 5th days, OHMIGOSH. I AM A WUSS. And I hate it. It's killing me and there's nothing for me to do about it. To be honest, it feels like someone cut my shoulder open, and stuck one of those little hand blenders into the hole and just turned it on. Perhaps on Frappe`??
It's funny, I keep seeing the stiches and I think there is a spider there, and of course, instinct is to brush it away... YEA.. That's fun! Not.
Anyway, just thought I'd share what a wuss I am with you... cuz misery loves company... No??

Sometimes it is harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Alive..

Hhhhmmm... it's been awhile.. Lots of stuff happening... Feels like I haven't been home in forever... So let's see... My sister is having another girl.. cool.. My brother, well, he's my bro. Love him to death. My folks are finally gonna move out of state.. they've been dyin to go for YEARS... Very happy for them. Dog is good.. My Kid is good.. I'm good. Yea, I am. Kinda cool actually..
I guess right now, I am content with "me". And I like it. It's a good feeling to have. Yea, I do stupid things, who doesn't. I realize it tho, and feel regret for being an ass, and I try to learn from it.. (I really try not to REPEAT stupid shit too but hey.. sometimes "it seemed like a good idea at the time" LOL ) I need to get a shirt made with that on it.. I love that one..
Ok, done laughing.. anyway.. Just letting all 2 of you know that I am still alive... uninspired to write lately, but alive.

"Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up."

Jesse Jackson

Letting Go..

Ok, so I really think I need to LET GO of a LOT of shit in my life. There is only so much crap a person can pile on and expect to keep going at a normal rate. People in general hold on to a lot of things. Emotions, Anger, Hatred as well as love and friendships. I don't have any issues, with the few friendships that I have held on to. I choose to hang on to a limited number of "good friends" because they are very valuable to me. Here is where my problem lies: I hang on to too much of the bad stuff. Just like everyone else.
I have known for a long time that i have to let things go. But then I get to the point where, it's like "Ok, I WANT to let this go, and I WILL let this go, but I want you (whomever it is) to hear me out so that I CAN let go." The shitty part for me, is that I either don't get to that point of "closure" of my own doing, or whomever I am trying to let go of, (metaphorically) won't allow me to. That's where it gets bad.
How can you let go, when (for example a person) they have already done so, but won't let you do the same. No, it's not fair, but for me personally, I think I deserve that opportunity. When I don't have that, I just continue to stew on "everything" good or bad, and I'm back at square one. Anger, same thing.. Actually no. I am getting better (didn't say great) at dealing with and letting go of anger. It's this other BS that keeps haunting me.
What is after anger? I mean, after being pissed off at a person, or ending a friendship, or whatever, I'm usually pissed for a while. Oh! HURT.. that's my next step.. Since I obviously get past the anger part and move on to hurt, is that what it is that keeps sticking around? Maybe it's beyond hurt and now it's resentment. Resenting that person for having wasted my time and my feelings and efforts that I put into a so called friendship... Yea, I really think THAT is where MY problem of letting go lies. That has to be it.
Crap, this sucks then. Because once I start thinking about the fact that I resent that person or myself even, I start getting pissed again.. Great.. a vicious circle of crap to not be able to let go of. Ever notice the whole "out of sight out of mind" works until that person or thing mysteriously shows up again? And then all those shitty feelings come flooding back and they are all fresh again. Oy. Oh well.. that's for another day.

Judge not..

Ok, so the last couple days haven't been all that great... but something has been bothering me for quite a while now, and I just thought I'd share...
Who are we as human beings to "JUDGE" others? I mean, what makes you so much better than the person sitting next to you that you can pass judgment on them? Just as they are no better than you to judge you.
Or so you would think. There are people out there, who will look down their noses at you as if they belong on some pedestal, and judge you for just about anything. They are no better. In fact, I personally feel the reason that people do this is because they themselves are ashamed. I may be wrong, but that is how I see it. They are ashamed of themselves, so they will look down on others to make them feel better. It is a sad way to live life. And in the end, they really don't have any of what are called REAL "friends".
I am guilty of judging others. However, I am trying pretty hard to not do so.. I am no better than anyone. I want to be a good person. I want to be equals with people, granted I don't think it's possible to be equals with everyone.. we just don't think the same. I want to be happy. No one is going to do that for me.. so I gotta be the good person, and stop judging others, even for petty things.. because even the petty things hurt.

"JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED"

Bad Day..

I am not very happy today. :( I have NO inspiration... maybe tomorrow.