Letting Go..

Ok, so I really think I need to LET GO of a LOT of shit in my life. There is only so much crap a person can pile on and expect to keep going at a normal rate. People in general hold on to a lot of things. Emotions, Anger, Hatred as well as love and friendships. I don't have any issues, with the few friendships that I have held on to. I choose to hang on to a limited number of "good friends" because they are very valuable to me. Here is where my problem lies: I hang on to too much of the bad stuff. Just like everyone else.
I have known for a long time that i have to let things go. But then I get to the point where, it's like "Ok, I WANT to let this go, and I WILL let this go, but I want you (whomever it is) to hear me out so that I CAN let go." The shitty part for me, is that I either don't get to that point of "closure" of my own doing, or whomever I am trying to let go of, (metaphorically) won't allow me to. That's where it gets bad.
How can you let go, when (for example a person) they have already done so, but won't let you do the same. No, it's not fair, but for me personally, I think I deserve that opportunity. When I don't have that, I just continue to stew on "everything" good or bad, and I'm back at square one. Anger, same thing.. Actually no. I am getting better (didn't say great) at dealing with and letting go of anger. It's this other BS that keeps haunting me.
What is after anger? I mean, after being pissed off at a person, or ending a friendship, or whatever, I'm usually pissed for a while. Oh! HURT.. that's my next step.. Since I obviously get past the anger part and move on to hurt, is that what it is that keeps sticking around? Maybe it's beyond hurt and now it's resentment. Resenting that person for having wasted my time and my feelings and efforts that I put into a so called friendship... Yea, I really think THAT is where MY problem of letting go lies. That has to be it.
Crap, this sucks then. Because once I start thinking about the fact that I resent that person or myself even, I start getting pissed again.. Great.. a vicious circle of crap to not be able to let go of. Ever notice the whole "out of sight out of mind" works until that person or thing mysteriously shows up again? And then all those shitty feelings come flooding back and they are all fresh again. Oy. Oh well.. that's for another day.

Judge not..

Ok, so the last couple days haven't been all that great... but something has been bothering me for quite a while now, and I just thought I'd share...
Who are we as human beings to "JUDGE" others? I mean, what makes you so much better than the person sitting next to you that you can pass judgment on them? Just as they are no better than you to judge you.
Or so you would think. There are people out there, who will look down their noses at you as if they belong on some pedestal, and judge you for just about anything. They are no better. In fact, I personally feel the reason that people do this is because they themselves are ashamed. I may be wrong, but that is how I see it. They are ashamed of themselves, so they will look down on others to make them feel better. It is a sad way to live life. And in the end, they really don't have any of what are called REAL "friends".
I am guilty of judging others. However, I am trying pretty hard to not do so.. I am no better than anyone. I want to be a good person. I want to be equals with people, granted I don't think it's possible to be equals with everyone.. we just don't think the same. I want to be happy. No one is going to do that for me.. so I gotta be the good person, and stop judging others, even for petty things.. because even the petty things hurt.

"JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED"

Bad Day..

I am not very happy today. :( I have NO inspiration... maybe tomorrow.

Soapbox..

Ok, today I am on a roll... LOL maybe I just have a lot to say... :)

When you see someone say at work, in the morning, and you ask "How are you?", do you actually stop and take a second to listen to what they say back to you? Or do you just keep on going thinking that you started a quick polite conversation? If I ask someone how they are, I generally try to wait to hear their response, and then maybe see if they want to know HOW I am or not. Most of the time no, but that's ok.. Don't ask someone something and then bail out before you get a response, you never know what kind of day they are having and might just need to hear a friendly voice...
And another thing, how many times a day do you hear "Have a nice day"?? Too many as far as I'm concerned.. That just seems to leave everything up to "chance". Why?
It's up to YOU to make it a good one. No one else. You. We make decisions throughout the day that determine if it is going to be good (nice) or not. So rather than just leaving your day to chance, Make it a good one!
Someday, I would like to hear someone else tell me "Hey, make it a good one"..
LOL.. ok, I'm done.. Thanks for listening.. :)

Advice..

Ok, so I am not one to take my own advice, (and I'm not sure anyone really is) however, that said, I gave a friend some advice yesterday, and I think I need to listen to it. He was speaking of girl problems, and how this girl "makes" him feel good, bad, indifferent, whatever. The more I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that no one can MAKE us feel anything. We ALLOW people to to hurt us, or to make us happy. It is OUR problem if we let someone make us feel HURT. WE have the choice about letting that happen ... or not. Last night, I allowed someone to make me very angry. THAT was my fault. I had a choice. I think in the midst of anger and frustration, it just got the best of me. Period. My fault. (I guess I need to work on that)
I know for myself, I really need to work on the fact that it IS my choice. If I want to let people make me happy or not. It is MY CHOICE how I treat others, and how I allow them to treat me.
I think I just have to keep telling myself this EVERY day so that it MIGHT sink in. Someday, it just might work. :)

A Song..

Ok, so everyone has their "Favourite" song.. Of course I do as well, but it really depends on my mood and the day. How many times have you said "Oh, I Love this song?" :D More that we care to admit I'm sure.
So anyway, I heard this song last night: Big girls don't cry (by Fergie). Definately not my favourite artist, or song, but still something about it really made me think. Part of the song goes like this: "I need some shelter of my own protection baby. To be with myself instead of calamity. Peace, Serenity". I think I have longed for the peace and serenity for a long time, and hearing that just kind of struck a chord. Cliche` as it sounds, I really am a big girl. Sometimes tho, it would be nice for someone to be physically next to me just to tell me it's all "OK".
Another part of the song is this: "The path that I'm walking I must go alone I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown". I am full grown, but I am walking this path now, alone for quite a while. I have learned much, and I have lost a lot as well. But it is a path that I have to take in order to continue to grow as a person. Into a "big girl".
I had my moment last night where I was the little girl, balled up on the floor crying but now, like the chorus goes: "But I've got to get a move on with my life. Its time to be a big girl now...
And big girls don't cry....."
Time to stop crying and be a big girl... Here goes nothin'.. :D

Today..

Out of sheer frustration, I find myself staring at the ceiling counting the popcorn up there... The anger phase has almost passed, yet I can't seem to find the "inspiration" to write anything to try and feel better.. I would much rather take a knife to the couch or a pillow, however, I know what kind of mess that will leave to clean up, and of course it will be me doing the clean up. Not so much fun.
So instead I sit here trying to stay calm and keep breathing normally. I hate the fact that I allow someone to make me feel so angry... Not one of my better days.
So far... Nothing is working.
Any suggestions?

Sleep..

Trying to fall asleep at night is a pretty difficult feat for me.. once asleep, it's ok.. but it's the process of shutting down my brain in order to be relaxed enough to fall asleep that is so difficult. So last night, I was trying to slow down my thoughts and of course I started thinking again.. Trying to picture just black darkness, but somehow thoughts and images seem to creep back in, polluting my head to where it is spinning yet again. It seems days are filled with immediate thoughts and actions, where night time is where my head decides it's time to start thinking of the most mundane things that apparently I was too busy to think about during the day.
I can't imagine this is insomnia, and I can't take anything at night time for fear I will be completely worthless in the morning, or I won't wake up enough if something were wrong with my daughter.
So I continue to lay here, with thoughts dancing in my head, and worries and frets about the coming days' activities.. Sweet Dreams or nightmares?

How do you know who it is that you are meant for? How do you know what is supposed to happen in your life? How do you know when everything falls into place? How do you know why things happen "for a reason"? How do you know where all of this will happen? You don't get to know. It just is. So now I will try to go back to sleep and stop worrying about all of this.. because it just is.

Surreal. Convoluted. Empty
A plethora of emotions
haunting at the same time..

A sea of smoke
fills the room
and burns my eyes..

Daring tears to fall
my eyes close
until sleep finally takes over.....

Anger..

Everyone gets angry once in a while.. it's how we deal with it that exposes our "character"... Some of us will hit things, or break things.. others may just scream or cry.. while some may write these emotions down... that's what I do. Still not too sure about how much "relief" I get from actually writing, but here's an example:

Rage,extreme, intense
Like the water boiling over
The pot extinguishing blue flames below

Turning to the window
Daring night to fall
Casting away shadows
Into the darkness

Crimson shades take on
The form of my face
As the anger rises higher
And I can no longer see

Silence filled the room
That reeks of bourbon
And stale smoke
As tears fall gently to the floor.

How do YOU deal with anger???