It's Over..

Thank Goodness!!! Talk about hectic. A whole bunch of work, and thoughts, and activities, all to be over and done with in one day. Bleh. Christmas Eve was rather difficult for me this year. My parents have moved away, and I miss my mom terribly. I haven't felt this "alone" in a long time. I hate to cry (although I'm sure I've conveyed that before), and it was nice to just cry for a bit, and feel sad. I called and told her, and we both cried.. LOL It was even nice to talk to my brother for a few minutes. Apparently, he got a bigger sack of coal than I did, so that's perfect. HA HA
Well, I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas this year.. Hopefully Santa was better to all of you than he was to me.. :D The Kid on the other hand, seems to have pleased Santa this year, because she S~C~O~R~E~D.
So Santa brought her a Nintendo Wii to my house... very cool.. . and he also brought one to her gramas house. Nice. She got enough clothes to wear something new for the next month and not wear the same thing twice. Kids score. What about the parents!?! Well, the single parent. Santa skipped me this year. The kid felt bad about that, so she decided that we would "share" the Wii. Thanks Kid. :D Doesn't matter about the whole santa thing to me as much as she was upset about it. THAT made me happy and smile... she's very thoughtful, well to me at least. XOXO
Anyway, I'm sure everyone made their rounds the last couple days, and ate and drank til you couldn't stand anymore.. Too much fun.
Another Christmas has come and gone... Kinda nice now.. I get to get back to some sort of normalcy in my life over the next couple days.. I hope to take down a bunch of the decorations this afternoon.. I'll be gone out of town til next week some time, so the sooner I get this done, the less crabby I'll be when I get back and have to do it then.. HA HA O well, Happy Holidays Everybody and whatever your New Years' plans are, BE SAFE!!

P.S. Auntie, "The Kid" was crushed you didn't call.

Blah..

So, it's "THAT" time of year again. Christmas trees, decorations, lights, fruitcake, shopping etc... Kinda fun huh? Ya, it can be.. except the shopping part. I have made it my own personal tradition to do my shopping either a couple months in advance (ya, ok, so I TRY) and forget where I put everything or do all my shopping on line. This year, I opted for the latter. Makes my life sooooo much easier. Coupled with the fact that a LOT of places have free shipping... just can't beat it. :D Kinda nice this year.. got it all done a couple weeks ago. Well, except for the "BIG" gift.. the Santa gift. Couldn't find one. I would be really upset if I didn't live up to the "My mom is the bestest mom EVER" if I couldn't get this gift for her. Ok, well, Santa will be the best.
Well, I JUST found the BIG gift yesterday. And I get to pick it up today. I am really excited for it too.. The Kid is going to be sooo happy. Of course she'll forget about all the "other" stuff but hey.. LOL
Anyhoo... It's right around the corner.. sneaking up on me nice and quiet.. but I'm ready this time. ok, I'll be ready by this evening.. and it's all good. Just think, all of the anticipation of "CHRISTMAS IS COMING" then it just shows up out of nowhere, and then it's gone. Poof! All of the excitement, over in literally minutes. Sigh. Oh, wait. Then comes New Years a week later. Kinda nice being more of an adult now, and not trying to find the coolest party to go to, just do do things you normally wouldn't do while completely drunk, end up on a gossip site somewhere and have to wait for hours to get a cab to pick you up.. Now, quiet trips out to the desert to go riding. Now THAT is fun. Being one with "dirt". Take all the dried out Christmas trees out there... put them all standing (leaning) together... and light them on fire. Now THAT is a sight. Oh, and gotta have "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash playing in the background... Just something to do... :D Merry Christmas Everyone.

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” ~Dave Barry

Christmas memories..

I spoke to my mom the other day, and we were reminiscing about Christmas Eve's past. One memory in particular I'll never forget. After we stopped having the big Christmas dinner at the folks house, we started having either pizza or chinese food for our Christmas dinner.. :D
So this one year, the house was dark, and there was a fire going and my mom had apple cider with cinnamon sticks on the stove. (ok, so that scent was and still is one of my favorite smells at Christmas time). Now, what made it so "different" (LMAO) was that we watched Mr Magoo's Christmas, and ELEPHANT PARTS. Ok, WHO on earth watches Elephant Parts on Christmas Eve for goodness' sake!?! I believe I've mentioned that my family isn't all that conventional, but I think that takes it to the extreme. And yet, one of the BEST memories of Christmas Eve like, Ever.
(Thanks Mom, for the chat and walk down what I like to call amnesia lane... ) The more walks I take down there, the more "memories" seem to creep up... I kinda like it. :)

"We do not remember days; we remember moments. " ~Cesare Pavese

Snow Time..

So Saturday, took the kid and a friend to the snow. DEFINITELY a reminder that I HATE SNOW. Period. I do NOT like to be COLD and WET on purpose. The girls on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed it. Sledding, crashing and having a super time. Snow Sucks. I don't know how on earth people enjoy going to the mountains and playing in a huge snow cone. My toes were frozen... and taking pictures etc, my hands hurt terribly. But hey.. the girls had a blast!! That's whats important right? It's all about what we do for our kids..
Sacrifices we make for our kids (and friends) is what it's all about. We (as adults) can be miserable, and cold and wet and frozen, as long as the kids are enjoying their selves and make some awesome memories. Honestly, I can't complain... seeing them laughing their butts off, and having such a great time, it was worth it.
I could really do without the constant singing of Christmas songs tho... LOL there is only so much "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" that I can handle... :D

How to Shower..

I LOVE this one... I've seen it a million times, and still makes me laugh OUT loud!!

How to shower like a woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.. If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts
Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to be sure it is clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How to shower like a man.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife/girlfriend along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower
Spend majority of time washing private parts and surrounding areas.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap bar.
Wash your hair with bar of soap. Make a Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on the floor because shower curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size again in the mirror.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on the floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife/girlfriend, pull towel off, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on her pillow.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

Flying Dog Beer..

Ok, So.. back to Beer (Great Topic!).. Has anyone every had FLYING DOG BEER? Ok, So I have only tried the In Heat Wheat, and like I said, it is THE best wheat beer ever. I had it in Georgia a couple months ago, and have been crazy to find it out here. This Wheat beer, seriously is like THE best. I am beyond upset that I can't get it here in California, and shipping costs too much to ship it from Arctic something or other.. $23 to ship beer... I guess I could order like A LOT of it to justify the shipping charges... hhmm... maybe a Christmas gift to me. LOL
Anyone know how LONG I can keep a bunch of bottles of beer before they spoil? Does beer spoil? LOL IF you have tried Flying Dog (Any brew), what do YOU think???

Lemme know. :D

Weekend..

Hope ya'll had a great weekend... I did. OOH! I tried a new beer. Now, I LOVE me a good wheat beer. There is this microbrew that I tried a couple months ago called FLYING DOG beer. The beer I tried is called IN HEAT Wheat. It is the BOMB. It is just fantastic.. So I call around here to see if anyone carries it. .not so much luck. Bevmo does, but only in the summer, it's a "Seasonal" beer. Ok that SOOO Sucks. I can buy it online, but like 8.99 for a 6 pk, and 28 bucks to ship. I don't think so!
So, this guy at Bevmo tells me about Leinenkugle's Sunset Wheat beer. HE says it is very similar to Flying Dog In Heat Wheat.. He's tried it too. So, I found it over at Ralphs, and picked me up a 6 pk. I got home and tried it, spit it out. Seriously. It was the worst. I mean, it tasted like FRUITY PEBBLES cereal. Not even Fruit loops.. those are actually good. This was gross. Got one beer down, and man, you'd think it would get better after like 2 right? Nope. Can't NOT drink the beer.. can't bring myself to waste it.. Not even after the whole 6pk which took me like 3 hours to drink them all did it get ANY better. SOOOO not me. I LOVE beer.. just about everyone knows that. So... if you LIKE wheat beer, don't bother with that Leinenkugle.. BLECH

On to the rest of my weekend.. it was Fantastic. I got to have a nice QUIET weekend all by myself. I did Christmas shopping and wrapped presents, and watched Football.. had myself a fire most of the weekend... it was great. Sometimes you just need to be alone for a couple days, perhaps to regain sanity or just rejuvenate. I think it was really good because, being alone, and Christmas coming, let me to think about a lot of my family/friends that have passed on and how much I miss them. That then led to some tears, some dialect out loud with them, and then moving on with my day... I think it really did me a lot of good... I came to some realizations on Saturday, and just let myself "FEEL". I rarely do that. I do pretty good at hiding it all, but I think since I was alone, in my head it was "ok" to feel... and it felt good.
Sunday, I finished up wrapping stuff and watched football... After that I decided to start reading again. I like the Criminal/Death close to real life kinds of books (and TV shows, and movies.. LOL )
So Patricia Cornwell is an author I really enjoy reading. I have read the entire Kay Scarpetta series and have put off starting Predator because it was the last book. That makes me sad. I can usually finish a book in a day or two. That would have left me very sad waiting for the next book. So I waited. Last night I went slow and only read about 100 pages (19 chapters or so). Come to find out today that the next book was released two months ago, and I wasn't paying attention. What timing huh?? I think so.. ;) I think it was the fact that I have ESPN and subconsciously knew there was another book and it was ok to start this one... LMAO
Anway, again, hope ya'll had a great weekend... I did.

I am content just being me right now... that is very cool..

Dancing Elves..

Ok, I think EVERYONE needs to do this... It's Great.. and HILARIOUS! Seriously, it's a blah day, rainy outside.. gloomy.. everyone can use a good laugh... :D
I made one of my coworkers... I think I'm gonna have to distribute that one around the office... ;) Muahahaha (ok, did that kinda sound evil? LOL)

ENJOY!!

Elf Yourself Now!

Christmas Recipe.. (try it.. lol)

I have YET to make this but I think I'll have to give it a whirl tonight.. ;) 
Cheers..

The Best Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe You Ever Tried!
Guaranteed to be fun to make!
Christmas Whiskey Cake

1 cup butter
2 cups sugar
6 large eggs
2 teaspoons baking powder
3 cups flour, sifted
1/2 t. salt
1 cup bourbon
1 pound pecans, chopped
3 cups white raisins (or use candied fruit)
1 t. nutmeg
AND
~ a very large bottle of bourbon whiskey ~

First, sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Assemble all of the ingredients. Check the whiskey again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat this step.
Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and cream until beat.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay... try another cup.
Turn off the mixer. Beat six leggs and add to the bowl,
then chunk in the cup of dried flut. Mix on the tuner.
Throw in two quarts of flour. Gradually pour in the cow.
Add 2 dried anything.
If the fried druit gets struck in the beaters, pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check it again for tonsistency.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares???
Check the whiskey again.
Now sift the nutmeg and strain your nuts. Add one table.
And the spoon. Of whiskee. Or something. Whatever you find left.
Grease the oven.
Turn the crake pan to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Pour the oven into the batter. Throw the bowl out the window.
Lick the batter off the floor.
Bake 300 minutes at 50 degrees.
Finish the blobble of whishy and flow to bed.

Siblings..

Ok, so for those of you that are only kids... congrats. If you have siblings.. sorry bout your luck. I am kind of hoping that MOST siblings get a long really well. I may be delusional, but I'm sure most do, however, I am just dysfunctional perhaps. I don't really talk to my siblings. I have one of each, a brother and a sister. Good thing is I dislike them both the same. Equal opportunity disliker so to speak. You are supposed to be there for your siblings.. for support, and comfort oh yea, and to be taken advantage of... repeatedly. That IS normal right? Yea, I didn't think so.
You can't TELL your siblings outright because they never believe you. Or anyone else for that matter really. As long as whatever you are doing helps them somehow. Usually in my case it is FINANCIAL assistance. And of course, I get screwed ALMOST every time. The sister usually does pay back when she says she will, but the brother, now he is certainly a piece of work. NEVER pays back.. and as a matter of fact, continues to keep borrowing more. Of course, that is MY fault to keep allowing that to occur. Even in JAIL, it happens. With the brother, it's like a plague. And when he doesn't get his way? LOOK THE HELL OUT. According to him, you will be spat upon, disowned, and anything else he can think of to piss you off for NOT helping him. I have always done whatever I can for the brother, but I finally lost all respect for him. He is a childish immature spoiled brat who cares about NO ONE but himself. It really hurts me to see him the way he is. I used to chalk up his shitty~ness to all the drugs he used to do. I mean, that made so much sense back then. But, unfortunately, he is still the selfish little bastard he always has been. Pity too, because he could be soo much more. The sister, she's just who she is. We have NEVER really gotten along.. maybe for like an hour here and there. I don't care for the person she is, and she will use anyone she can for her benefit. She will throw me under the bus, and take sides with ANYONE but me.. LOL I'm used to her.. and VERY glad I don't have to maintain any relationship with her right now. She's pregnant, and too volatile to be around. I don't even want my kid around her. Not sure how her boyfriend deals with her. Like I said she and I have never really gotten along.. and I can't see that it will change any time soon. Shame too, I miss my niece and won't be meeting my new niece any time soon. How we were all cut from the SAME cloth is really BEYOND me.... This isn't about being angry or pissed off or anything like that. I think this is more about me trying to "LET IT GO" and finally wash my hands of it all. I guess, I FINALLY hit the end of the line. I can't do it anymore with them. My kid is the MOST important thing in my life right now, and we are happy. I want to keep it that way, so if that means, it's just the two of us... So be it.

"Karma is a bitch... What goes around comes around.."

HOW TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES..

Hopefully This will make someone laugh today:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L A

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers shredded tires, cell phones, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Map quest does not work here, none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

Busy Busy..

Well, I got the decorating done. I know, bout time.. LOL It's not COMPLETELY done, but my tree is up and decorated, and there are snowmen all over the house.. :D I'm happy.. I made a really great Christmas CD for the kid.. Stuff like "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" (Shirley Temple), "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" (Patsy & Elmo), "12 Redneck days of Christmas" (Jeff Foxworthy), "All i want for Christmas (is my two front teeth)" (Spike Jones), and others... I figured just so I don't scar the kid, threw in a couple "normal" Christmas songs.. Jingle Bells et al.
So I have two favorite Christmas songs... the first song.. (the funny one) ok, maybe not a funny song per se... but since the kid was little, we always sing Christmas songs in the car. I love doing different voices to make her laugh. So I sing Deck the Halls.. Kind of Opera like at first, and then it changes to like a british accent, and then the very last FA LA LA LA LA I sound like a complete dork. She thinks it's the funniest thing.. (Yes, people in other cars have stared at me and burst into laughter).. Ha Ha
One of the great things about having kids, is like getting a free pass to act like a fool. :D And I have had a LOT of practice.. I was being a dork at Disneyland one year and one of the park employees gave me a sticker to proudly wear that I was an "Honorary Citizen" because they like people like me.. HA! Little do they know.. :) Anyway, I digress...
So my really really favorite song is "Little Drummer Boy", but a specific version of it. Bing Crosby and David Bowie sing it together.. actually I think the title is Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth or something like that. I swear I get goosebumps ever time I hear that song.. No particular reason, that is Christmas to me.
Anyhow... it's a beautiful day today... about 40 degrees right now (kinda cold for me), no more rain (yay)... Rain sucks in California (well, everwhere I'm sure) but here, it seems everyone forgets how to drive in the rain, and there are about 428 car crashes about 10 minutes after the rain begins to fall. Hope ya'll have a good one!

"I pray my wish will come true, For my child and your child too, He'll see the day of glory, See the day when men of good will Live in peace, live in peace again" ~Sung by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
(Recorded on September 11, 1977 for Bing Crosby's yearly Christmas special. Crosby died a month later and the show aired posthumously in December 1977.)

Christmas song..

Ok, so there is this HILARIOUS 12 days of Christmas song, that I heard a couple years ago.. I've heard MANY varieties (that looks weird) of this song, but this one that I heard just CRACKED me up. Now, I have looked for this song Artist and even MP3 for going on THREE years now. I have posted a couple places to see if anyone knows who it is (no, it's not Cheech & Chong but it sure would fit!) Does ANYONE have any idea!? Please!?!?

These are the first like 6 days of the lyrics.. HA HA HA

EDIT!  CLICK HERE FOR THE INFORMATION FOR THE SONG!! IT IS NOT CHEECH MARIN!


On the first day of Christmas my Vieja gave to me - A Shiney 64 Chevy!
On the 2nd day of Christmas my Vieja gave to me - 2 Pendeltons and a Shiney 64 Chevy!
On The 3rd day of Christmas my Vieja gave to me - 3 Khaki Pants, 2 Pendeltons and a Shiney 64 Chevy!
On the 4thd day or Christmas my Vieja gave to me - 4 Cans of Starch, 3 Khaki Pants, 2 Pendeltons and a Shiney 64 Chevy!
On The 5th day of Christmas my Vieja gave to me - 5 TAMALES!!!!! 4 cans of starch, 3 Khaki Pants, 2 Pendeltons, and a Shiney 64 Chevy!!
On The 6th day of Christmas my Vieja gave to me - 6 Cold Cervezas, 5 TAMALES!!!!!!!, 4 Cans of Starch, 3 Khaki Pants, 2 Pendeltons, and a Shiny 64 Chevy!
On The 7th day of Christmas my Vieja gave to me - 7 Shots of Tequila, 6 Cold Cervezas, 5 TAMALES!!!!!! You get the idea.. ;) Thanks all!!

It's Raining..

First rain in a while... kinda nice.. I *think* HA HA. Today would have been a great day to play hooky and light a fire, and hang out at home with the kid and do nothing... Ah, or maybe decorate for Christmas, since I STILL haven't done it! I suck.. LOL Did some shopping one night because the kid needed more weather appropriate clothes... then visited a girlfriend another night... then went and had dinner with my grandfather... oy. I REALLY need to get off my butt and do this.. No homework this weekend, so it really is a good time to do it.
Anyway, I like the sound of the rain.. ok, sometimes. When it's really loud and I can't sleep, it sucks. Thunder is pretty cool.. altho it scares the crap out of me. Lightning, I love it. I kinda have my fears a little reversed there.. o well. I once went to Kansas somewhere, and rented a convertible. Yea, I was cool for like an hour once. Anyway, sound asleep in my hotel room and all of a sudden, I kid you not, it sounded like someone took a huge piece of sheet metal and just started shaking the shit out of it right next to my head. Out of nowhere. I flew out of bed so fast, and then had to run outside to put the top up on the car. I have NEVER seen that much rain so hard and so fast in my entire life. Well, the next morning, it was bone dry outside, and the car was dry too. Go figure.
Playing in the rain is fun. Especially when me and the kid are already wet, and then go find a bunch of puddles to jump in. It's better when it's not super cold outside, but still a LOT of fun. We had a bunch of people staring at us in the parking lot when we were chasing each other and trying to get each other more wet than we were, altho I'm not sure that was possible. An old man was just smiling. Days that like are priceless. I just wish there were more of them.

" Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

Life..

People are shitbirds. Plain and simple. Actually some can be complete assholes. Like the people that break into your cars. That one sucks. Purses stolen, wallets, broken windows to replace. Had that one happen about 5 times now over the years. Then, once that happens, you get Identity theft. Of course, that's if you are retarded like me and have your social security card in there when it gets ripped off. Ya, learned my lesson there. Some guy decided to open charge cards, and cell phones all under my name. THAT one really sucked. Then there's the people that break into your homes. Getting a little too close there bud. Talk about violated. And then there are the assholes that break into your computers. Those are the shitbirds that I'd love to kick the crap out of. THAT is like waaay up there in feeling violated. What do you do? You think you have everything on your computers and that it's "safe". Your bank information, passwords, all kinds of personal information. Nope. Some jerkoff out there can and will get into your stuff. Be it your server, or your laptop, or personal pc, just wait. It's gotta be one of the WORST feelings to happen.. Let's not even get started at how many people are affected by it. O well, people like that suck, and apparently have nothing better to do than to screw with other peoples lives. Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can directly do here, but someday all these people will get their own. They will wonder what they did to deserve whatever is going on at that time, and think "What did I do?" Guess what Sweetie... Karma is a bitch.


"When once the forms of civility are violated, there remains little hope of return to kindness or decency” ~ Samuel Johnson

Holidays are comin....

Sorry, but that just SUCKS. I mean, the day after Halloween, they start with the Christmas music. I remember (not too long ago I thought) when Christmas music didn't start until the day after Thanksgiving... what happened?!?! In a couple years, they'll start the "CHRISTMAS SEASON" on July 5th. Blech.
Well, after spending MANY years with a multitude of family and them slowly dying or moving away, Christmas became rather Blah. Then came the kid. And of course, as she gets older, Christmas is becoming a little more fun I guess. Just seeing her light up putting up decorations is just great. I decided when the kid was born that I wasn't going to do the whole red/green Christmas colors anymore.. Too many memories from Me being a kid.. I like Blue. So I changed Christmas at my house to Blue, White and Silver. (Not for any religions reasons, I just like it). And so does she. So tonight, I think after school me and the kid are going to start the Christmas festivities and begin decorating. That really sets it off for me.. Seeing her get so excited about it all. Kinda nice for me too tho, I let her decorate how ever she wants. So she is rather proud of herself for a great job, and I get to see all her hard work and that big huge smile on her face...
So, the holidays are coming, and ok, I'm getting a little better with it all.. I'll let ya know how the decorating goes...

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family:
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one." Jane Howard

Thanksgiving..

It's a day early, but I am going out of town and I just wanted to wish everyone a safe and happy Thanksgiving. We all have something (hopefully more than that) to be thankful for.. I've said it before. Tell the people in your life you love them, care about them. Trust me, I don't know a single person who DOESN'T like to hear it. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

Spontaneous..

So I got up the other day, got out of bed and went Skydiving. I wanted to preface that with how long I have wanted to do go blah blah... but nah. Let's just get to it. Ok, I have wanted to jump out of a perfectly good airplane for about 13 years. Then I had my kid, and figured it wasn't the "safest" thing to do be doing, so I waited. And waited. And then I decided when I woke up, "I am going skydiving today". Plain and simple. No special occasion, just a good day to fall from the sky. :D

So I made it down there, it was about 80 degrees, and surprisingly I wasn't afraid. I didn't have any hesitation. I think I had mentally prepared myself for a long time. I was glad I didn't have to wear that goofy skydiving jumpsuit thingy... I guess they wear that when It's cold, so I was glad I could jump in just jeans and a tshirt.. :D I could have taken the couple hours and jumped solo for the first time.. but for some reason, I decided to jump "tandem" (attached to the instructor). Kinda glad I did because I was in so much AWE that I wouldn't have remembered to pull the chute in time had I been alone.. LOL
Anyway, standing at the edge of the door of the plane, looking down, I expected to feel "something".. nothing. Just a spectacular view. The instructor asked how I wanted to exit the plane. I said, "flips, cartwheels, whatever works... something "FUN" And, that is what we did. The plane was turning to the right when we jumped so it was flips and cartwheels galore. And it was FUN. We jumped from 12,000 feet, and the free fall was for 6,000 feet. That took about 60 seconds. Apparently when you are jumping tandem, you fall FASTER to the ground that if alone (nice huh?). So they throw up a small chute to slow down from 160MPH to about 120MPH which is more standard for a single jumper. I HIGHLY doubt I could tell the difference. ;)
It was really cool because I got to pull the ripcord, and I got to handle the controls to turn, slow down and haul ass back to the ground. THAT was wicked. I thought that going into a pretty fast spin would upset my belly some, but it didn't.
The landing couldn't have been better... landed on.. my Ass. :D supposed to do that I guess. I was really glad I have that extra padding!! But Holy Shit, that was quite the RUSH. Nothing can compare to that.. I mean, someone asked me about a roller coaster that could compare. Well, you're on a track for a bout 14 seconds, and then it's over. Skydiving, you are falling from the sky between 120 and 160MPH no track, no safety net... Personally, I can't find the comparison.
Seems I had sea legs for a good 45 minutes after jumping. Just a little wobbly. I picked a couple songs to put on my video... The beginning of the video is about getting ready and kind of training, and partly IN the airplane.. That track is "Live like you were dyin" by Tim McGraw. Made a statement to me, so it worked. Then jumping and falling, the only appropriate song I liked was "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty. That gave me goosebumps watching it after the fact.
In all honesty.. I used to think, "If I can skydive, and everything go according to plan, then I can do Anything"... I couldn't be more wrong. I think I was hoping that it would be profound enough to take away a lot of the hurt and disappointment I have felt in my life... I was hoping to feel "different" somehow. Don't ask why, I don't know... Just an expectation I supposed I had. I guess I am a little disappointed that I don't. I did come to find out it's not skydiving or an "event" that is going to change any of that stuff.. it's just me. It really didn't change me, and I know that I can't "do anything".. shit, I can barely DEAL with anything. But, it was absolutely 100% definitely worth it. So much so I am going again... :)

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the strength within you that survives all the hurt." ~Unknown

Spontaneous..

So I got up the other day, got out of bed and went Skydiving. I wanted to preface that with how long I have wanted to do go blah blah... but nah. Let's just get to it. Ok, I have wanted to jump out of a perfectly good airplane for about 13 years. Then I had my kid, and figured it wasn't the "safest" thing to do be doing, so I waited. And waited. And then I decided when I woke up, "I am going skydiving today". Plain and simple. No special occasion, just a good day to fall from the sky. :D

So I made it down there, and surprisingly I wasn't afraid. I didn't have any hesitation. I think I had mentally prepared myself for a long time. I could have taken the couple hours and jumped solo for the first time.. but for some reason, I decided to jump "tandem" (attached to the instructor). Kinda glad I did because I was in so much AWE that I wouldn't have remember to pull the chute on time had a been alone.. LOL
Anyway, standing at the edge of the door of the plane, looking down, i expected to feel "something".. nothing. Just a spectacular view. The instructor asked how I wanted to exit the plane. I said, "flips, cartwheels, whatever works... something "FUN" And, that is what we did. The plane was turning to the right when we jumped so it was flips and cartwheels galore. And it was FUN. We jumped from 12,000 feet, and the freefall was for 6,000 feet. That took about 60 seconds. Apparently when you are jumping tandem, you fall FASTER to the ground that if alone. So they throw up a small chute to slow down from 160MPH to about 120MPH which is more standard for a single jumper. I HIGHLY doubt I could tell the difference. ;)
It was really cool because I got to pull the ripcord, and I got to handle the controls to turn, slow down and haul ass back to the ground. THAT was wicked. I thought that going into a pretty fast spin would upset my belly some, but it didn't.
The landing couldn't have been better... landed on.. My Ass. :D supposed to do that I guess. But Holy Shit, that was quite the RUSH. Nothing can compare to that.. I mean, someone asked me about a roller coaster that could compare. Well, you're on a track for a bout 14 seconds, and then it's over. Skydiving, you are falling from the sky between 120 and 160MPH no track, no safety net... Personally, I can't find the comparison.
Seems I had sea legs for a good 45 minutes after jumping. Just a little wobbly. I picked a couple songs to put on my video... The beginning of the video is about getting ready and kind of training, and partly IN the airplane.. That is "Live like you were dyin" by Tim McGraw. Made a statement to me, so it worked. Then jumping and falling, the only appropriate song I liked was "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty. That gave me goosebumps watching it after the fact.
In all honesty.. I used to think, "If I can skydive, and everything go according to plan, then I can do Anything"... I couldn't be more wrong. I think I was hoping that it was profound enough to take away a lot of the hurt and disappointment I have felt in my life... I was hoping to feel "different" somehow. I guess I am a little disappointed that I don't. I did come to find out it's not skydiving or an "event" that is going to change any of that stuff.. it's just me. It really didn't change me, and I know that I can't "do anything".. shit, I can barely DEAL with anything. But, it was absolutely 100% definately worth it. So much so I am going again... :)

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the strength within you that survives all the hurt." ~Unknown

It's all ok..

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I am ok. Yea, I get pissed and hurt and all that crap, but it's human nature.. You have choices.. Accept shit, Deal with shit, or drop shit and just MOVE ON already. So, I have had time to think about this crap, and I am at the point now where I really DON'T care. :D I am GOOD. Things are still crappy financially, and it's difficult to be a single mom, but I am OK. Would I be happier if I had a lot of money? Sure, who wouldn't? Am I greedy about it? Nope.. Would I change things that I screwed up? Of course.. but not a lot of them. You are the person you are because of experiences. You learn from them (well, you are supposed to.. ). You grow. Regret isn't a good thing. Learn from mistakes, even OTHER peoples mistakes. I am really trying to. I have said it before, I want to be a good person. I don't want to judge others. I want people to see me, and think positively about me. I want my kid to think that I am the best person in the world. Ok, that might be a stretch, but so far so good.. she does think that I rock. Maybe I should start trying to believe that too.

To the world you may be just one person,
who's name never finds its fame,
The world may never discover your worth
for some it's just a game.

To the world you may only be a number,
trying to feed you a lie,
The world may never care what makes
you cry.

At times the world may lay on your
shoulder, when life gets you down,
You want to smile and keep on
giving your all, but you frown.

To the world you may be one person
who will never rise to fame,
But to me you mean the world and
your smile still drives me insane.

Author Unknown

"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world."
-Author Unknown.

Writers Block..

So, I have writers block.. I have a lot shit going on that I am not real happy with.. It really has me bummed out. I hate getting angry. And, yesterday I was SO angry I had no way to release it, so I literally just Cried. Tears were falling but, it's like I wasn't crying.. not like sobbing or anything like that.. It was kind of weird. That much extreme anger is scary. And of course pile on top of that hatred. Makes for a pretty shitty day. Trying to find some kind of support system from people is difficult. Especially when it's everyone else that is just pissing you off.
I fully intend to just hang out with my kid, playing video games all weekend... THAT is definitely going to make me feel much better.. She's all I need in the entire world right now...

Why do I bother..

One would think it's good to give the benefit of the doubt.. but when that doubt is proven time and time again... it's hard to do so. When someone shits on me specifically, I think to myself, ok, maybe tomorrow, they will GET A CLUE and either a) do something about it or b) at least make some cheesy attempt at an apology or ANYTHING at all. Ok, maybe that is what I would do if I hurt someone or pissed them off. Why do I ALWAYS expect people are going to do what I would do personally?
Is that wrong? Yes, I believe so, since it NEVER ever ever ever happens. So what do I do here? I mean, I could turn into the rest of them (and not like myself any more) and walk their walk... OR, I can continue getting disappointed, and let down and shit on by staying the same person I AM. I thought I got over this last night.. Apparently not because I am just as mad now as I was then. And the more I think about it.. I can't really be mad at anyone here except myself. I ALLOW these things to happen. Do I not have the power to control whether or not I will allow people to take advantage or whatever the situation is? Sure I do.. question is.. how do I exercise it now?

“Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people.”
Jim Rohn

People in general..

Ok, so I couldn't wait til tomorrow.. Had to get it out now..
I know for most people, human nature is to help others.. Yes, I said MOST people. I am the type of person that will give you the shirt off my back. And... with no problems.. I rarely, if ever, expect anything in return. Sometimes, it would be nice if ever I needed help from someone, it would be returned, but hey.. not always the case. I don't expect it from everyone, but it would be so great for ONE person, just one, to come to my rescue.. ever. So like I said, I am always trying to help someone.. whether family or friends.. even friends of friends I may not even know very well.
Here is my dilemma. How many times does it take to help someone that keeps on shitting on you that you say enough is enough? How many times do you touch the flame before you finally figure out that it's HOT? How many times can you kick a dog before it turns on you and bites you? For me, it's obviously TOO MANY. I'm tired. I am really tired of going out of my way for what? Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
Now, that's not to say that I won't forget how hot that flame is and go back again.. Been there, Done that. But come on.. it would be so nice for someone to ask me "Hey, can I help YOU with that? (or anything for that matter).. " Don't get me wrong.. I'm not feeling sorry for myself.. or anything like that.. Because I really don't feel sorry for myself. Sometimes, it just SUCKS is all... Does this make me selfish now? I mean, it is a rare day that I am completely selfish and just do for me, but aren't we supposed to do that on occasion?? I'm just venting I guess about how some people just aren't the "giving" type. And then there are those people like me. Hopefully there are some left.

"Who are we to be better or less than another? We are all equal and should be treated as such."
Me

PISSED..

Ok, So I am BEYOND pissed at damn near everyone in my life right now... NO.. Not everyone.. but after I cool down, and regain some idea of composure so as not to say things I probably shouldn't, I shall enlighten you all tomorrow with the wonderful workings of my "GREAT" family and friends... Ya.. Beer flew outta my nose too..

Generic..

Today is rather boring already... I have so many things and thoughts floating in my head. Positive and negative.. I enjoy reading quotes... even if I don't know who wrote it.. "You don't die from a broken heart.. you only wish you did." How true is that? Another one of my favorites "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew". That is pretty profound to me. So simple, yet, powerful. Of course there are the others, that make you laugh, and ponder.. "Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" Love that one...
Anyway.. That's how I usually start my day.. reading some quotes in a feeble attempt at motivating myself to push thru another one. Today is going to be a tough one... no real reason why.. Don't you get those days too? You know... you'd rather be at home, maybe curled up on the couch catching up on TiVo, fire in the fireplace, hot chocolate and just vege out. No worries, no concerns.. Sounds like a perfect day.. Too bad this whole "WORK" thing keeps getting in the way... I need to win the lottery.. and quit working and take off.. I wish I could teach my kid the way of the world while actually being IN it. Not behind a desk everyday. I wish I could give her everything she desired.. Wishful thinking of course... But if you don't have wishes...

“I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.”

My Baby..

So I decided that for the "picture"... i'll just change it up as my mood changes... I like todays Ha Ha
Anyway, so Yesterday was Halloween... Went to a friends to help move furniture around in the new house and take the kid trick or treating. Was a good night.. kinda chilly, bunch of friends, kids, beer and a firepit. (No not kids and beer, kids got candy.. LOL) It was a fun time all around. So my kid went out twice and got a grip of candy. Like she really needs that. So we came back to the house, and somehow ran out of candy to hand out. So my kid, God love her, gave up all her candy to give out to the trick or treaters. And, it was her idea. I was so proud. She is just great. :D
She did go back out with some friends, and got a little more candy that she got to keep.. so, I just HAD to share that, because she is soo awesome. My Baby Girl...

"Do unto others.... "

Picture..

I have been debating about putting a picture on the blog.. you know.. face to a name... still not sure tho.. I'll keep thinking about it.

:D

Life..

Ok, now back to the regularly scheduled (ha!) blogging.. :D
Anyway, so the last few weeks have been a little hectic. I went to the "parent/teacher" conference at school. Turns out my kid is pretty dang smart, just really BORED. Ok, not too bad. Maybe.
So.. we are working on this "talking" problem she has. Seems so far, it's been working. She hasn't "pulled a card" or been busted for talking or getting up. We'll see how long that lasts..
My brother got out of jail, (that was fun! NOT) and he has been shipped off to Idaho to go live with the Folks. Good times. :D Really tho, I'm glad for him. I am happy it's all over, that he's out of jail (I don't have to go every week for visitation).. and even that he is living in another state. BUT, I miss him already. We got to talk for a couple hours before I had to leave for work, and it reminded me how similar and how damn funny we are!! It's all good.
I just got back from working in Atlanta... decided that is yet another state I do not want to live in. :D
I like Hot. Hot is good.. HUMID, HOT AND STICKY.. Not good. :( Glad to be back home tho. Really. And the time difference is a total mess... I just get back to a little bit of normal and we get to change the time again this weekend... OY!
Riding / Camping season is upon us.. The BEST time of year to hang out with my kid and just relax and enjoy life.. I for one will be enjoying as many weekends as possible out in the "DIRT" with her and appreciating the desert... I mean really.. is there anything better?

"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of."
Benjamin Franklin

SIGH..

I am going to post a little differently today. This blog is all about me, but today.. it's not. By now everyone is aware of the devastation in southern california. Yes, I live here. Yes, I have been affected. No, I didn't get evacuated. No, I didn't lose my home. However, seeing all of the aftermath of the thousands of people stranded at Qualcom stadium and the multitude of other venues certainly made me think. I read about a woman whose strength came from her 4 year old daughter. That spoke volumes to me. We all take for granted all of our "posessions". We never stop to think that in an instant they could be gone. I don't want to talk about the precautions to take and all that, because it's all over the news daily. You all know that by now.
Life is really short. Hug your kids. Your spouse/significant other. Appreciate each day that you have here with them. I'm not big on praying (although I should try it more often) but I do pray for all of these people every day for the strength they need to get thru what may be the most difficult time of their lives.
I can only imagine.

“We never understand how little we need in this world until we know the loss of it”
Norman Cousins

Indescribable..

Seven Wildfires Remain Burning in SoCal Region

The Southern California wildfires that began one week ago are becoming contained one by one, as the cooler weather and lower winds are helping firefighters to battle the blazes.

Of the 20-plus fires that were ravaging the region and driving people out of their homes last week, only seven are still burning.

“Improving weather conditions have allowed firefighters to make good progress on containment percentages on several of the larger fires,” Iskow said. “And there was no significant growth to any of the fires that our crews are assigned to.”

All together, the fires so far have burned over 500,000 acres in the Southern California region, and destroyed 2,300 buildings. Twelve deaths and 78 injuries are attributed to the wildfires.

The federal disaster declaration President George W. Bush signed last Wednesday will provide fire victims with extra money and resources. According to a press release from SurfMedia Communications - the agency that represents the American Red Cross - chapters across the state are accepting financial donations.

Los Padres National Forest spokesman Joe Pasinato said in a press release that the forest, along with Angeles National Forest in Los Angeles County, remains closed indefinitely due to fire danger.

Me Time..

Well, I got my "Me" time.. LOL. I got sick. Had to take time off work, and spent 4 days just relaxing and resting and sleeping. A LOT. 14 or so hours a night, and then napping during the day. To be honest.. It was really nice. Anyway, my brother finishes his time in 6 days. Then he's off to Idaho to live with the folks. I"m happy for him, he really needs to get out of here.. I'll be leaving around the same time to go out of state for work. Just for a couple days, but it will be really nice to get away for that short period of time.
Because I have been doing everything for everyone else lately, I seem to have been neglecting my kid. Not in the sense that I don't talk to her or ignore her. I have just assumed she was doing well at school, and doing homework as she should. Ya, Not exactly. Now, I'm having issues with her... She doesn't seem to want to do any school work. Or stop talking during class. Or stop getting out of her seat.. Go figure. I could say "she's 7, they do that", but I think it's more of a lack of my parenting skills. Or maybe teaching skills. So I need to spend more time with her, and "teach" her things. I'm not the smartest person, but I think I have some things that I can teach her to maybe help her along. All I want is for her to succeed. Somehow. And I will do whatever I have to, to help her. She is going to have it better than I did. I want her to have everything she wants, but to also APPRECIATE it all.
Ok, enough of my whining.. She is a good kid tho. I know she is normal. Well, as far as normal goes right?

"A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often." Author Unknown

ME!

As this blog indicates, I just want to be me. Not what EVERY OTHER DAMN person wants of me. I can only live up to so many expectations (and THAT isn't all that easy). I like the saying "You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time" But there is another one... equally good "I Can Only Please One Person Per Day. Today ain't your day and tomorrow ain't lookin' good for you either". I can't seem to please ANYONE lately. Least of all myself. And isn't that how it's supposed to work? To do things to please OURSELVES first? I guess that is difficult to achieve when you are too busy trying to please everyone else at the same time. The shitty thing there is, how do you prioritize who you try to please first? I mean, there has to be a chain there somewhere right? There aren't enough hours in a day to do EVERYTHING that seems to be expected of me. Let's see, I broke my foot, had to deal with Dr's and hospitals for xrays, and meetings for work, and family... no wait.. not a lot of that here for me now. Let's see, what else? Oh yea, my kid, and homework, and laundry, and cleaning, and making dinner, and making lunches for school, on top of working all day. Oh, and let's add to that I have a cold now and I can't breathe. I have friends that need help with a computer, or a phone, or a whatever... I really need to stop everything I do, and just hang out with ME for a while. But then of course, you will all think I am a selfish bitch. This isn't me bitching about how busy my life seems to be, ok, yea it is.. but it's my fault. I really don't know who reads this, but I have an idea, and this relates to every single one of you... somehow. Not MY time / energy per se.. but you can relate. I don't think you'd be human if you didn't.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when? "
Rabbi Hillel

Sad..

Ok, I'm sad.. I think I'm a pretty independent person. I mean, I'm a single mother, I own my home, and all of my stuff.. I don't have a lot of debt (besides my house).. I do a lot on my own. I never really realized how involved my family is in my life tho. Yes, they have stuck their noses where they don't belong, but I suppose I allowed that.. :) My brother went back to jail last month, and yes, I do realize how much I miss him all the time. It's his own fault tho and he knows it. He gets out some time next month and is leaving the state for good. He can't come back. Kinda bums me out.
My parents have moved out of the state as well. So when he gets out, he'll be moving out there with them. I think that's a good thing. I hope he can find himself out there. I guess my point is, I miss my family. Indifferent or otherwise, whether we get along or not.. They are my family and I do miss them. And, that makes me a little sad. Kinda thought I would have more to say, but I guess not. Hope you are doing well.

"Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult"

Fate..

So who believes in Fate and all that happens is for some reason or another? Yea, me neither. I mean, once I did. I really did. But the more I think about it, it seems a complete waste to leave everything up to "chance" really. If I want something to happen in my life, I have to Make it happen. Not leave it up to "fate" or "chance" or whoever to do it for me. I mean, where would that lead me? If I had done that, let's just say, I wouldn't be the happiest person. Who knows how things would be at this point.. it didn't happen, so Oh Well right?
I guess some things happen for a reason to some degree. Subtely of course. Like the guy who lost his job and was just about broke but because he put his resume out there to every single company he could find, he got a job offer. Things are going well for him now. But did he make that happen with hard work and diligence or did it all happen for a reason to perhaps teach him the lesson that job security doesn't exist and you better have something to fall back on if you ever do get let go?
I still don't know. Maybe a little of both. I would like to think that. I like to try to learn something from all experiences that I've had. You have some bad ones, and you learn from them and swear not to repeat it, but then "fate"(?) steps in and there you are all over again. Is it fate that brought you there? Or your own doing because it's just something you wanted to do again? And what about regret? Do you regret anything? Ok, I'll leave that for another post another day....

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
William Shakespeare

Pain..

So I just had surgery last Thursday.. Ok, so I have given BIRTH for goodness sake and that was tough, but certainly not as bad as I expected. You'd think a little arthroscopic surgery would be a breeze. YA. Right. I like to think that I am a strong person, both physically and mentally.. apparently not so much. The first couple days, not so bad... I mean, seriously. However, the 4th and 5th days, OHMIGOSH. I AM A WUSS. And I hate it. It's killing me and there's nothing for me to do about it. To be honest, it feels like someone cut my shoulder open, and stuck one of those little hand blenders into the hole and just turned it on. Perhaps on Frappe`??
It's funny, I keep seeing the stiches and I think there is a spider there, and of course, instinct is to brush it away... YEA.. That's fun! Not.
Anyway, just thought I'd share what a wuss I am with you... cuz misery loves company... No??

Sometimes it is harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Alive..

Hhhhmmm... it's been awhile.. Lots of stuff happening... Feels like I haven't been home in forever... So let's see... My sister is having another girl.. cool.. My brother, well, he's my bro. Love him to death. My folks are finally gonna move out of state.. they've been dyin to go for YEARS... Very happy for them. Dog is good.. My Kid is good.. I'm good. Yea, I am. Kinda cool actually..
I guess right now, I am content with "me". And I like it. It's a good feeling to have. Yea, I do stupid things, who doesn't. I realize it tho, and feel regret for being an ass, and I try to learn from it.. (I really try not to REPEAT stupid shit too but hey.. sometimes "it seemed like a good idea at the time" LOL ) I need to get a shirt made with that on it.. I love that one..
Ok, done laughing.. anyway.. Just letting all 2 of you know that I am still alive... uninspired to write lately, but alive.

"Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up."

Jesse Jackson

Letting Go..

Ok, so I really think I need to LET GO of a LOT of shit in my life. There is only so much crap a person can pile on and expect to keep going at a normal rate. People in general hold on to a lot of things. Emotions, Anger, Hatred as well as love and friendships. I don't have any issues, with the few friendships that I have held on to. I choose to hang on to a limited number of "good friends" because they are very valuable to me. Here is where my problem lies: I hang on to too much of the bad stuff. Just like everyone else.
I have known for a long time that i have to let things go. But then I get to the point where, it's like "Ok, I WANT to let this go, and I WILL let this go, but I want you (whomever it is) to hear me out so that I CAN let go." The shitty part for me, is that I either don't get to that point of "closure" of my own doing, or whomever I am trying to let go of, (metaphorically) won't allow me to. That's where it gets bad.
How can you let go, when (for example a person) they have already done so, but won't let you do the same. No, it's not fair, but for me personally, I think I deserve that opportunity. When I don't have that, I just continue to stew on "everything" good or bad, and I'm back at square one. Anger, same thing.. Actually no. I am getting better (didn't say great) at dealing with and letting go of anger. It's this other BS that keeps haunting me.
What is after anger? I mean, after being pissed off at a person, or ending a friendship, or whatever, I'm usually pissed for a while. Oh! HURT.. that's my next step.. Since I obviously get past the anger part and move on to hurt, is that what it is that keeps sticking around? Maybe it's beyond hurt and now it's resentment. Resenting that person for having wasted my time and my feelings and efforts that I put into a so called friendship... Yea, I really think THAT is where MY problem of letting go lies. That has to be it.
Crap, this sucks then. Because once I start thinking about the fact that I resent that person or myself even, I start getting pissed again.. Great.. a vicious circle of crap to not be able to let go of. Ever notice the whole "out of sight out of mind" works until that person or thing mysteriously shows up again? And then all those shitty feelings come flooding back and they are all fresh again. Oy. Oh well.. that's for another day.

Judge not..

Ok, so the last couple days haven't been all that great... but something has been bothering me for quite a while now, and I just thought I'd share...
Who are we as human beings to "JUDGE" others? I mean, what makes you so much better than the person sitting next to you that you can pass judgment on them? Just as they are no better than you to judge you.
Or so you would think. There are people out there, who will look down their noses at you as if they belong on some pedestal, and judge you for just about anything. They are no better. In fact, I personally feel the reason that people do this is because they themselves are ashamed. I may be wrong, but that is how I see it. They are ashamed of themselves, so they will look down on others to make them feel better. It is a sad way to live life. And in the end, they really don't have any of what are called REAL "friends".
I am guilty of judging others. However, I am trying pretty hard to not do so.. I am no better than anyone. I want to be a good person. I want to be equals with people, granted I don't think it's possible to be equals with everyone.. we just don't think the same. I want to be happy. No one is going to do that for me.. so I gotta be the good person, and stop judging others, even for petty things.. because even the petty things hurt.

"JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED"

Bad Day..

I am not very happy today. :( I have NO inspiration... maybe tomorrow.

Soapbox..

Ok, today I am on a roll... LOL maybe I just have a lot to say... :)

When you see someone say at work, in the morning, and you ask "How are you?", do you actually stop and take a second to listen to what they say back to you? Or do you just keep on going thinking that you started a quick polite conversation? If I ask someone how they are, I generally try to wait to hear their response, and then maybe see if they want to know HOW I am or not. Most of the time no, but that's ok.. Don't ask someone something and then bail out before you get a response, you never know what kind of day they are having and might just need to hear a friendly voice...
And another thing, how many times a day do you hear "Have a nice day"?? Too many as far as I'm concerned.. That just seems to leave everything up to "chance". Why?
It's up to YOU to make it a good one. No one else. You. We make decisions throughout the day that determine if it is going to be good (nice) or not. So rather than just leaving your day to chance, Make it a good one!
Someday, I would like to hear someone else tell me "Hey, make it a good one"..
LOL.. ok, I'm done.. Thanks for listening.. :)

Advice..

Ok, so I am not one to take my own advice, (and I'm not sure anyone really is) however, that said, I gave a friend some advice yesterday, and I think I need to listen to it. He was speaking of girl problems, and how this girl "makes" him feel good, bad, indifferent, whatever. The more I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that no one can MAKE us feel anything. We ALLOW people to to hurt us, or to make us happy. It is OUR problem if we let someone make us feel HURT. WE have the choice about letting that happen ... or not. Last night, I allowed someone to make me very angry. THAT was my fault. I had a choice. I think in the midst of anger and frustration, it just got the best of me. Period. My fault. (I guess I need to work on that)
I know for myself, I really need to work on the fact that it IS my choice. If I want to let people make me happy or not. It is MY CHOICE how I treat others, and how I allow them to treat me.
I think I just have to keep telling myself this EVERY day so that it MIGHT sink in. Someday, it just might work. :)

A Song..

Ok, so everyone has their "Favourite" song.. Of course I do as well, but it really depends on my mood and the day. How many times have you said "Oh, I Love this song?" :D More that we care to admit I'm sure.
So anyway, I heard this song last night: Big girls don't cry (by Fergie). Definately not my favourite artist, or song, but still something about it really made me think. Part of the song goes like this: "I need some shelter of my own protection baby. To be with myself instead of calamity. Peace, Serenity". I think I have longed for the peace and serenity for a long time, and hearing that just kind of struck a chord. Cliche` as it sounds, I really am a big girl. Sometimes tho, it would be nice for someone to be physically next to me just to tell me it's all "OK".
Another part of the song is this: "The path that I'm walking I must go alone I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown". I am full grown, but I am walking this path now, alone for quite a while. I have learned much, and I have lost a lot as well. But it is a path that I have to take in order to continue to grow as a person. Into a "big girl".
I had my moment last night where I was the little girl, balled up on the floor crying but now, like the chorus goes: "But I've got to get a move on with my life. Its time to be a big girl now...
And big girls don't cry....."
Time to stop crying and be a big girl... Here goes nothin'.. :D

Today..

Out of sheer frustration, I find myself staring at the ceiling counting the popcorn up there... The anger phase has almost passed, yet I can't seem to find the "inspiration" to write anything to try and feel better.. I would much rather take a knife to the couch or a pillow, however, I know what kind of mess that will leave to clean up, and of course it will be me doing the clean up. Not so much fun.
So instead I sit here trying to stay calm and keep breathing normally. I hate the fact that I allow someone to make me feel so angry... Not one of my better days.
So far... Nothing is working.
Any suggestions?

Sleep..

Trying to fall asleep at night is a pretty difficult feat for me.. once asleep, it's ok.. but it's the process of shutting down my brain in order to be relaxed enough to fall asleep that is so difficult. So last night, I was trying to slow down my thoughts and of course I started thinking again.. Trying to picture just black darkness, but somehow thoughts and images seem to creep back in, polluting my head to where it is spinning yet again. It seems days are filled with immediate thoughts and actions, where night time is where my head decides it's time to start thinking of the most mundane things that apparently I was too busy to think about during the day.
I can't imagine this is insomnia, and I can't take anything at night time for fear I will be completely worthless in the morning, or I won't wake up enough if something were wrong with my daughter.
So I continue to lay here, with thoughts dancing in my head, and worries and frets about the coming days' activities.. Sweet Dreams or nightmares?

How do you know who it is that you are meant for? How do you know what is supposed to happen in your life? How do you know when everything falls into place? How do you know why things happen "for a reason"? How do you know where all of this will happen? You don't get to know. It just is. So now I will try to go back to sleep and stop worrying about all of this.. because it just is.

Surreal. Convoluted. Empty
A plethora of emotions
haunting at the same time..

A sea of smoke
fills the room
and burns my eyes..

Daring tears to fall
my eyes close
until sleep finally takes over.....

Anger..

Everyone gets angry once in a while.. it's how we deal with it that exposes our "character"... Some of us will hit things, or break things.. others may just scream or cry.. while some may write these emotions down... that's what I do. Still not too sure about how much "relief" I get from actually writing, but here's an example:

Rage,extreme, intense
Like the water boiling over
The pot extinguishing blue flames below

Turning to the window
Daring night to fall
Casting away shadows
Into the darkness

Crimson shades take on
The form of my face
As the anger rises higher
And I can no longer see

Silence filled the room
That reeks of bourbon
And stale smoke
As tears fall gently to the floor.

How do YOU deal with anger???