Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Am I where I should be??
I've been constantly asking myself lately, if this is where I am supposed to be in life. I mean, I'm 39, and a single Mom. I've taken care of myself since I was 16 years old. I did the married thing for a few years, and realized it wasn't for me. (or I picked the wrong guy, or I am just a bitch, or whatever). Anyway, since turning 39 a couple weeks ago, and taking a good look around me, I found I'm a little bit lost. On the one hand I feel like "Oh my gosh, I'm 39 years old and what do I have to show for my life except where I am RIGHT this minute." I feel like I screwed up so many things and maybe I'm starting over for the 3rd time? Like another "mid life crisis"... now, on the OTHER hand... I feel like I'm old. I'm done. No one is going to want to date an old hag like me with a full time kid to boot. I'm damaged goods. And even tho that may be, WHY AM I OK WITH THAT!?!? I like being alone. No one to have to do anything for (besides Dano). I can do what I want (which isn't a whole hell of a lot since I have Dano.. NO COMPLAINTS here btw). And then I think, but I don't have anyone to share ME with... And this is where I decided I'm lost. I don't know where I should be. Or what I should be doing. I have a job, Dano and I are healthy, my business is doing pretty good (even tho I want to quit my day job and do my business full time).. Whose to say where MY life should be?? Am I behind in achievements or something? Should I try sky diving again? Learn scuba diving? WHAT AM I MISSING!?!?!? Usually writing this stuff gives me a little clarity... no such luck this time...
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1 comment:
I find it strange to see "0" comments.. There must be thousands of people all over the shop who feel exactly like you. Me for instance. The only difference being I have no children, 9 years older and male. You say you don't mind being "alone" but you'd like to share your emotions, thoughts,.. whatever.. with others. I can relate to that. I've been single for many years now and although, like you, I almost enjoy having total freedom to do what I want, when I want it, how I want it, I'm in a sort of no-mansland. At the end of the day, there's that nagging feeling at the back of my head. What's the purpose of enjoying myself just for the sake of enjoying ? I cannot live like this. I would like to share my life with someone else. Living alone is totally pointless. At least you have a child which gives your life a certain direction and meaning but imagine if you didn't even have that..I've totally forgotten now what I was going to say. I've only been on G+ for a couple of months, I live in Europe and I seem to have the impression that G+ is mostly 'populated' by Americans. Pity. I came across your blog through a comment u made on a post from a certain Linda Kay Torres. All I can say is try not to think about this too much and know that you're certainly not the only one who feels like that. There are millions of people worse off than you believe me. I regularly blog as well but in french or dutch (or flemish) to clear my head. And like you say, sometimes it workes, sometimes it doesn't. If ever you feel like chatting don't hesitate to contact me. And most of all, keep your chin up.. you're not an 'old hag' like you said, try the opposite.
Frank
PS I love reading your blogs
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