EndGame..

This is it.  Tomorrow is the trial.  Many of you know the situation that Dano "The Kid" and I have been on our own for a while now.  Since June 2011 to be exact.  Her "Dad" finally went over the edge so to speak and long story short, was charged by the state for domestic violence after Dano had to call 911 on him and have him arrested.  This is not the first occurrence.  This was the 5th I believe.  There was another police report for a different time it happened, that time he tried to run me over AND slashed a tire.  Quite honestly, I know what it feels like to not be able to "let go" of someone (NOT HIM in my case).  Anyway the court took away his custody and adjusted his visitation to only day visits.  No overnights for the last year and a half.  She had ONE recently, as a trial.  Her bed hadn't been slept in, in well over a year, she said there were spider webs etc.  He "brushed off" the bed, and made her sleep there.  I have thought of a MULTITUDE of ways to handle myself at the trial tomorrow.  He has a lawyer.  An idiot one at that.  I am kind of hoping that he comes in, guns a blazing with a bunch of finger pointing and she did/said this/that blah blah.  I am not backing down nor conceding however, I am not going that route.  I have 100 pages of texts back/forth with him, stating A LOT.  He's threatened her.  He's bailed out on her for HIS COURT ORDERED weekends with her, to go to the river 2 times and to Las Vegas JUST THIS PAST WEEKEND!!  I am not going in with this date he did this, and so on and so forth.  I am going just speak from my heart, and lay it all on the line.  After 1 1/2 years, and ZERO resolutions, compromise (except on my end, I compromised way more than I should have) we can not agree to anything. So now the judge will decide what happens.  Not only that, but the judge for the last 1 1/2 years, was worthless, and tomorrow is the LAST court date with A NEW JUDGE.  WTH!?   Dano has told the court two times already, told HIM and the counselor that she does NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM.  She also wrote a letter to the court and sealed it in an envelope for me to give to the judge that states HER words.  I don't know what else I can do.  I don't have money to fork out for a lawyer.  They couldn't say or express my feelings as a mother anyway.  I'm scared.  I'm scared for Dano that she just might have to live with him part time again.   She cries every time she comes home.   He calls her a liar, belittles her... She finally told him yesterday "I can't take this anymore.. I don't want to be with you..."   As a parent, as hard as it may be, but if your child does not want to see you... WHY WOULD YOU FORCE THEM to continue to do that!??!  It would be the hardest thing for me to let her go, but I would do it.  For her.  I wouldn't force her to want to see me.   Granted, I personally, would need to be committed shortly thereafter, but  that's just me.  He's doing just fine with his new girlfriend and her daughter... I wish he would just move on.     Anyway, this is it.  Please pray for me, whatever few of you that read this.. I've given up any semblance of a life, to do whatever I can for Dano.  I don't go out, haven't seen a bar to "party" for years.. I don't go to the river.. (Man, I'd LOVE to get a way!)  I can't afford to do that stuff trying to feed and clothe a growing 12 year old..   Add to that some other personal issues, that have just compounded everything, I don't "deserve" a break per se, but a little Happiness for a while, would be nice.  

LIES... and kids.

LIES.  I hate them.  Despise them.  Probably because I was so good at it long LONG ago, then it all blew up in my face.  Live and learn.  Now, I just will not lie. Period.  If you don't like what I have to say, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.  I don't have to REMEMBER what I said, or to whom, because what I say is the truth regardless who hears it.  If you want to know something and expect HONESTY, then by all means, ask me.  I am not all THAT stupid and I realize kids lie.  But when you are MY kid, and You KNOW that I can't stand lies, WHY ON EARTH would you keep trying to do it.  WHITE LIES ARE STILL LIES.  Ok, yes, I am sure I've told a few white lies, perchance to spare someones feelings or something.  Dano can't seem to get the truth out no matter what because "Either way, I'm gonna be in trouble".  See.. No.  Not true.  If I ask you to do something, and you don't "get around to doing it", not a real biggie.. sure I might make some kind of grunting noise or whatever, but it is what it is..  Now, when you talk to me on the phone, and tell me flat out "Yup I did it", and then I come home and I know you blatantly LIED to me.. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN!?!?  Now, you are grounded.. No bike, scooter, skateboard.  No Tv, no tablet, no phone, no computer.  Nothing.  Nada.  No you can't play with your friends.   You get to sit in your room AGAIN either going thru all your clothes, socks whatever to see what doesn't fit, etc.. and think about your behaviour.  Seriously.  This is ridiculous   She has to be bored at this point sitting in her room staring at the walls.   I don't even know WHAT to do anymore.  Like, I went so far as to pretty much threaten her, that when I go to trial in 2 weeks, I'll just tell the court to go back to 50/50 custody and she can stay with him again... of course she flipped out, and said no (well cried "no) etc.. so, I'm at my wits end.   12 years old sucks.  No, I don't remember this age.. Hell I don't remember much of ANYTHING really growing up.  I see pictures, and have zero recollection of being there.  Anyway... HELP!

No change in 5 years..

It's interesting reading back on this blog.  It's been around for 5 years now.  I think it's probably the longest I have been "committed" to something other than my kid or my dogs.  LOL   Anyway, I came across this post, I think it was my 2nd post on this blog.  It's weird when you stop and think about how much life changes over the years, but when you REALLY think about it, does anything really change?  This is years ago... but still fits me today.. to the T.

Happy Friday y'all.. 

Monday, July 9, 2007

Sleep..

Trying to fall asleep at night is a pretty difficult feat for me.. once asleep, it's ok.. but it's the process of shutting down my brain in order to be relaxed enough to fall asleep that is so difficult. So last night, I was trying to slow down my thoughts and of course I started thinking again.. Trying to picture just black darkness, but somehow thoughts and images seem to creep back in, polluting my head to where it is spinning yet again. It seems days are filled with immediate thoughts and actions, where night time is where my head decides it's time to start thinking of the most mundane things that apparently I was too busy to think about during the day.
I can't imagine this is insomnia, and I can't take anything at night time for fear I will be completely worthless in the morning, or I won't wake up enough if something were wrong with my daughter. 
So I continue to lay here, with thoughts dancing in my head, and worries and frets about the coming days' activities.. Sweet Dreams or nightmares? 

How do you know who it is that you are meant for? How do you know what is supposed to happen in your life? How do you know when everything falls into place? How do you know why things happen "for a reason"? How do you know where all of this will happen? You don't get to know. It just is. So now I will try to go back to sleep and stop worrying about all of this.. because it just is.

Surreal. Convoluted. Empty
A plethora of emotions
haunting at the same time..

A sea of smoke
fills the room
and burns my eyes..

Daring tears to fall
my eyes close
until sleep finally takes over.....

Le Jardin..

Wanted to update on my garden.  It's a jungle.   In the tangled mess of the watermelon, pumpkin and cantaloupe... there are 3 watermelons still growing.. After opening that last one, I figured I'll wait a few more weeks to try this other HUGE one..   There is ONE (1) SINGLE pumpkin.  FFS, ONE!!? Anyway, I did find two hidden cantaloupes TRYING to grow.. not sure if they will make it or not.  I ripped out the squash plants.. they get ugly after awhile. HAHA  Planted some cucumbers.  I love cucumbers.  How does one spell kewks is how it sounds to me, short for cucumbers?? cucs? hhmmmm 
Anyway, those will start producing in a couple weeks.  The Zucchini plants are doing great.. I picked the first fruit/veggie last night and probably too late, because it was HUGE.. it was a good foot long.. :(  we'll see..  
The tomatillos are starting to grow. I had no idea HOW they grew, but as you can see below, they produce the "skin" pod thingy first, which is hollow, and then the tomatillo grows "into" that.  Kinda cool.  :)   My Grape Vine!! It looks like it's flexing muscles!!  I LOVE how it grew!! haha  hhmmm OH! going to plant some PURPLE tomatillo!!  How fun would that be to have purple salsa!? 
Still waiting on some "real" corn to show up to try, not too much longer.  You can see a watermelon behind the red chili bush/tree thingy...  There are a couple jalapenos FINALLY growing on the stupid plant that kept trying to commit suicide on me...  Anyhoo... here are some pics for you to laugh at.  
(｡◕‿◕｡)


BEHOLD LE JARDIN JUNGLE!  

Empty tomatillo shells

Some green Roma Tomatoes

A singular watermelon

The ONLY pumpkin out of the whole damn mess!

FINALLY a tiny bunch of broccoli is showing up..  ggrrrr

This looks like a STRONG vine.. you know, flexing.. meh. whatever.

Oh the sneaky watermelon I found growing behind the peppers.. 

Jalapenos I saved from suicide..  there are like 5 growing.. :D

Cucumbers!!!  Can't wait! 

This is THE MESS.  I can't wait to rip it all out.  NO MORE MELONS of any type.

Y'all are liars...

You know, I had seriously really wanted to believe you guys that I am doing things re: Dano "Right".  SHE just had to prove y'all wrong I guess.  I swear.  I am madder than a wet hen right now.  I am really trying to do everything the best that I can alone.  I CAN'T DO IT.  She's supposed to get ALL of her homework done when she is at "his" house.  Seems he can't be bothered with checking her homework to make SURE SHE DOES IT.  She's 12 FFS!! Of course she's gonna try to get out of it.  She did it last night.  I told her "Get ALL OF YOUR WORK DONE" when she got out of my car.  When I picked her up "Did you finish ALL OF YOUR WORK?"  "Yup"  Wrong.  I even got her an AGENDA to put in there ALL of her assignments.  Now, it is HIS job to be a parent and check to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to.  WHY WOULD I EXPECT THAT?!?!  He doesn't even "know" her anymore.  I shit you not.  Doesn't ask about school, friends, BOYS, NOTHING.  So, why expect he would check on her school work.  And therein lies my problem.  I screwed up because I didn't do it either.   I left it to him to do HIS JOB.  
So, this morning, she calls me (She calls me at LEAST 8 times every morning...) and she's crying.  At first I think it's because I went to wake her up to get up and shower, and she pitched THE biggest fit... so I just left.  Thought she was apologizing for that.  Nope.  She didn't do her homework.  OH MY GOSH Can you believe it!?  GASP!  Quelle Horreur!  I was pretty much beside myself.  BUT, in the larger scheme of things.. it is MY FAULT.  
I hate that, I hate admitting that, and saying it in my head.   But, it is.  So... Now, I am back to spending MY afternoons doing 7th grade pre algebra and talking about Atilla the Hun (Which I told Dano was very similar to my mother) and whatever other crap I don't care to remember about middle school.   That's not fair.  I am adult damn it.  I don't WANT to do school work, but to make sure that SHE succeeds, and does far better than I did in life, I guess I'll just drink my beers sitting on the floor in the office, listening to whatever is on the agenda starting today.   Yuk. 

Am I doin' it right??

It finally came to a head last night.  As far as I am concerned little white lies are the same as any other lie.  I don't care what anyone says, it is HARD to be a single full time parent.  Period.  I have to be Mom and in some cases Dad too.  It's frustrating, and quite honestly not fun.  So yesterday, I asked Dano to put the dishes in the dishwasher away and put the dirty dishes in, feed the dogs and get herself ready for school.  NOTHING happened, besides getting to school.  I asked her if the stuff was done at that time, and the response was "Almost".  I know what ALMOST means.  Not even close, haven't touched it, what was I supposed to do again?   I let it go.  We got home yesterday, and I saw the dishes, and we were putting away a few groceries.  Dano was going on and on about the back to school dance that is tonight.  Long story short, told Dano 2 more times to get the dishes done.  Didn't happen until about 7:30 last night, after I finally YELLED at her to get off her butt and do it NOW.  I lost it.  I told her she was a liar (technically she is) and that she KNOWS everything I've had to go thru with Donor and court for the last year, OVER a year, and this is how she is treating me.  I have to tell her 5,6 or 7 times to do something that should take ONE time go make her get up and DO IT.  I'm tired.  I can't be the good guy (Mom) AND the bad guy at the same time.  It's impossible.  Last night I turned into "Dad".. and very similar to her actual one.  She cried, a LOT.  Hysterically even.  After all I said to her, I didn't even FEEL BAD about it!  I knew I was right and I was just FED UP to here with all the bullshit.  She's 12 FFS!!!  Anyway, she kept saying I'm sorry.. I said for what? You aren't SORRY, you are upset you got caught LYING to me...  she said No, I'm sorry for disappointing you.   Ok WOW.  That's the worst feeling for ME personally, disappointing someone.  I hate feeling that I let someone down.  For whatever reason, it just crushes me.  Apparently that rubbed off on her.. Thank GOD.  I am not one to hold grudges WITH HER only.  Everyone else, no problem.  I can't do that to Dano.  She stopped crying and we talked more.  I apologized for yelling at her, but I said I wasn't sorry for calling her out.  She told me to not be sorry that it was her fault, and she was wrong, and she has to make things right with me.   And the dance.. I asked WHY I should let her go... (she was soo excited to go) and she told me "You shouldn't.  I don't deserve to go"..  I said you can tell all your friends how mad at me you are that I'm not going to let you go.  She was shocked but she said, "No, I'll tell them I lied to you and I can't go".   We'll see how that goes.   It is really hard to raise a kid, by yourself.  Literally, no family, no grandparents to help, no aunts or uncles to do anything... it's just "US"..  I really hope I am "doin it right"...