So many changes.... Again.

I don't even know where to begin.   Everything, literally EVERYTHING is changing.  She graduated.  High School.  She's leaving for college.  In another state.  Like gone. Away from me. I'm alone again.  I'm back to when I left my house when I was 17 years old, leaving my parents home for the first time, and I'm freaking out.  WHY am I freaking out??  Sure she is, as she should be, she's going to miss her friends, not me, her friends, as it should be of course, but why I am I freaking out?  Yes, I'll miss her. It's been the two of us for the last 15 years, I think growing up together, but this time it's different.  I left home with the world waiting for me. Ready to do some damage or so I thought. Here. I. Come. I was ready.  I've spent the last 18 years pretending to raise a child, and now she's going off to college, and I'm leaving Ca to move to another state because WHY do I need to stay here, there is no one here for me, she's gone, but I'm leaving, to start my life.  My. Life.  And I'm scared. To death.  What the entire hell is wrong with me? I am a grown ass woman for fks sake! I own GUNS, I can take care of myself and yet, I am scared?  Fearful?  Yes. I am. And I think it's normal and maybe even ok.  I've been alone raising her so it has to be normal for me to feel like this, some part of that "empty nest" bullshit or whatever.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO HAPPY for her, she NEEDS this to live her life, and I am happy to finally start my life again.  I already have a house, a job lined up making more money etc.. so it's all good, but living alone.  Again.  That has me a little spooked.  I have my trusty .9mm gun to keep in my room but I think once I move, I might need to pick up a couple more to keep in other places in the house to get a little more access to, "if" the need arises..  you never know living alone, you need to "feel safe"  ;)
I'm glad to finally be able to leave Ca and get out of this tax rich hell hole once and for all, and start a new life.. meet new people (somehow) and force myself to get out and do things.  That one will be tough for me to do, but I need to find a way to do it.  I really want to take a pottery class and a cooking class.. My kid seems to think I am going to die once she's gone since she likes to feed me, and I won't be able to fend for myself.. um hello??  Ever heard of Top Ramen??   HAHA kidding, that shit is nasty.  My mom used to make the best cheese on toast in the broiler, and that was just delish..  
Anyway, I can't wait to move, 2 more weeks.. I have a pool, so I am VERY happy, that'll help with my back, and my dog.. I can't wait to take her to the shelter to meet a new friend to bring home so she has a buddy.. THAT will be a feat in itself.  She hates the world accept me and "sissy" so we'll see how that goes. 
Having my current job (that I will temporarily retire from this week) actually "let me go" along with the entire California plant is such a blessing.  We get so stagnant in our lives, and I am THE WORST with change.  I'd be so content staying right where I am and not leave or move on for years.  But the takeover has forced me to do the opposite.  I HAVE TO LEAVE, along with everyone else. It's sad, bittersweet and a challenge and cleansing to say the least and it couldn't have come at a better time with her going off to college. It's funny how you think "Oh no, NOW what am I going to do, how am I going to get by" etc.. all these thoughts..  I couldn't sit around and do that. I am ONE income.  I had to just DO something, so I literally picked a state, I made plans, but, those plans changed, I picked another state, found a house, put down my deposit, set up all the utilities to be turned on, and started the ball rolling.  Sent out my resume, and within a week, was offered a job. After a couple weeks, that job fell thru, they needed someone sooner.  So I paid to have my resume professionally redone (waste of money, turns out) only to have the original job call me back to offer me the job AGAIN and send me a contract which is now signed, and ready for me to start work.  I know that everything works out somehow, I ALWAYS tell her that, which she doesn't believe until she sees it happen.  I don't always believe it either, I usually have to see it too, to reinforce that I believe it myself.  But I do know, it happens for a reason, even if it's not a good reason.   This time, it just worked out and I couldn't be happier. Even losing my job, I couldn't be happier because it forced me to go move on to something different.  15 years at one place, with no moving up ...  it's time to move "on".  
She's staying in a dorm for the first year, and deathly afraid she won't make friends, which is just ludicrous. She's crazy. Her dorm mates will be her first mates the minute she gets there!!  I know she won't have any problems, but she won't listen to me, then says "I already have my friends here!, I don't need any more friends"..  I tried to explain that you make friends ALL THRU LIFE! Work friends, high school friends, college friends, ALL sorts of friends, but you only KEEP a handful of REAL friends that you'll carry with you for life.  Those ones are the ones you keep with you always.  HOW do you get it thru her head that she DOESN'T know better and that I KNOW EVERYTHING? (no, I really do). If ANYONE has any ideas that I can TELL her to help with this, I'm ALL ears.  Sidenote:  I've already told her *most* college freshmen are just as afraid as she is and just as worried about making friends and this big scary world etc, besides the crazy ones that are all excited to get out of the house and think they are ready for it. Any input is welcomed.
So, time for both of us to move on for our reasons, whatever they may be, to better ourselves even tho I will miss her every single minute of every single day and night until I see her again.  I hope she doesn't delete the Skype app after a week. 

"Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what that reason was"   ~Unknown

Am I doin' it right??

It finally came to a head last night.  As far as I am concerned little white lies are the same as any other lie.  I don't care what anyone says, it is HARD to be a single full time parent.  Period.  I have to be Mom and in some cases Dad too.  It's frustrating, and quite honestly not fun.  So yesterday, I asked Dano to put the dishes in the dishwasher away and put the dirty dishes in, feed the dogs and get herself ready for school.  NOTHING happened, besides getting to school.  I asked her if the stuff was done at that time, and the response was "Almost".  I know what ALMOST means.  Not even close, haven't touched it, what was I supposed to do again?   I let it go.  We got home yesterday, and I saw the dishes, and we were putting away a few groceries.  Dano was going on and on about the back to school dance that is tonight.  Long story short, told Dano 2 more times to get the dishes done.  Didn't happen until about 7:30 last night, after I finally YELLED at her to get off her butt and do it NOW.  I lost it.  I told her she was a liar (technically she is) and that she KNOWS everything I've had to go thru with Donor and court for the last year, OVER a year, and this is how she is treating me.  I have to tell her 5,6 or 7 times to do something that should take ONE time go make her get up and DO IT.  I'm tired.  I can't be the good guy (Mom) AND the bad guy at the same time.  It's impossible.  Last night I turned into "Dad".. and very similar to her actual one.  She cried, a LOT.  Hysterically even.  After all I said to her, I didn't even FEEL BAD about it!  I knew I was right and I was just FED UP to here with all the bullshit.  She's 12 FFS!!!  Anyway, she kept saying I'm sorry.. I said for what? You aren't SORRY, you are upset you got caught LYING to me...  she said No, I'm sorry for disappointing you.   Ok WOW.  That's the worst feeling for ME personally, disappointing someone.  I hate feeling that I let someone down.  For whatever reason, it just crushes me.  Apparently that rubbed off on her.. Thank GOD.  I am not one to hold grudges WITH HER only.  Everyone else, no problem.  I can't do that to Dano.  She stopped crying and we talked more.  I apologized for yelling at her, but I said I wasn't sorry for calling her out.  She told me to not be sorry that it was her fault, and she was wrong, and she has to make things right with me.   And the dance.. I asked WHY I should let her go... (she was soo excited to go) and she told me "You shouldn't.  I don't deserve to go"..  I said you can tell all your friends how mad at me you are that I'm not going to let you go.  She was shocked but she said, "No, I'll tell them I lied to you and I can't go".   We'll see how that goes.   It is really hard to raise a kid, by yourself.  Literally, no family, no grandparents to help, no aunts or uncles to do anything... it's just "US"..  I really hope I am "doin it right"...  

another year..

Another year has come and gone.  This is the last of my 30's.. Makes me a little sad.  Dano and I went to lunch yesterday (Yes, I kept her out of school.  It's good to play hooky once in a while no?) and had a really fun day together.  Amazing that, this child that I created, has such different tastes than I do!! HA!  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, which we both love, (THANK GOODNESS!) and she learned more on how to play poker with that table game thingy... I know, Mom of the year right?  haha  Anyway, after that she decided she wanted to get a DRESS for her Star award banquet this coming Friday.  Each year for state testing she's always scored almost the top of the class, last year was no exception.  She's getting another Gold Medal.  :)  I am very proud of her.  Now, back to the "taste" in clothing thing... hhmmm, where do I even start?  Things I picked out thinking, "kinda plain, simple, she's not really into dresses so these should be safe"... she turns around and picks out PROM dresses!  WTH!?!  Like with FLOWERS and lace and ruffles and "poofy" bottoms...  I. Don't. Get. It.  WHO is this kid?!  Long story short, WE decided on a black dress, thicker "lace" strap thingys which are a bit wider than the two finger width requirement, and a "shrug".  WHAT is that anyway?  Oh, Newsflash.  I don't WEAR dresses.  Or "shrugs", whatever they are.  She did look beautiful when she was trying them all on.  THAT was actually fun.  OH! WHAT 12 year old (barely) girl wears a 9 1/2 shoe!!? Good grief, I am having issues.. HAHA  Her feet are bigger than mine, her poor chest is bigger than mine EVER was at any age near 12 (I was a late bloomer, flat chested til almost 14) I can't stop smiling right now.  As frustrating as my 12 year old is, she is SUCH a blast.  I can honestly say I know I wasn't anything like her at 12.  I was more reserved, took care of my younger siblings, played "Mom" for years... so it's hard for me to figure out WHO this kid is that I am trying to raise.  Quite honestly, so far so good.  I may be right, or wrong, who knows, but she is my very best friend in the world.  I am her mother first, but man, when I don't have to be "Mom", we have such a great time together.  I am trying to cherish every minute of this, because I fear like all mothers do, that she'll hit the magical age where she will hate me.  She will stop telling me everything.  I will be the "enemy".  I can't bear that thought yet.  We've discussed that, we'll I've brought it up to her, and then she cries and tells me she will NEVER ever hate me, and that she wants to be with me forever..  I know, a 12 year old talking...  I just want life to slow down a little bit, and keep my little girl little, as long as I can....   Happy Birthday to me.  :)

This was the day before her 3rd Birthday at Disneyland 9 years ago... Just the two of us.. THAT was a great Birthday... :) 

It's all good..

I've finally given up.  Not in a bad way.  Just given up trying to control or change anything.  It seems I'm less stressed just letting things just "be".  I can't change anyone else, well besides Dano, and that is slowly becoming increasingly more difficult.  I can control me.  I can change me.  That's it.  And it's ok.  It's a good thing.  Now, the other part of that is ACCEPTING it.  I'm getting there.  REALLY slowly.  haha.  I accept that I can't change people, but it really is hard to accept that I still WANT to.  Ya know?  Dano's Dad for instance.  I can't change him and how he treats or acts with her.  I can make suggestions, but I can't "CHANGE" any of it.  I still WANT to tho.  Because I am her mother, and we are VERY close, much closer than they have been in years,  I WANT to change how he is.  Not to be mean, or ruin their relationship, but to help it.  Help him understand her, and make it easier maybe?  I mean, come on, she's 12.  And getting to "that" point that her hormones are going to make him inSANE.  He thought I was bad.  HA!  Buddy, you got another thing comin.  I can deal with her and her mood swings, even her FRIENDS (bestie, whatever they are called).  I am the "go to" Mom in answering her friends questions about "girl stuff".  It's all good.  I'm learning what I need to sugar coat, and what I don't.  I like it.  I don't talk to my own mother for reasons  besides that we just don't get along, but all my friends went to her.  Not for this stuff per se` but a lot of them called my mom "Mom".  I don't get that now, nor do I want it, but I AM "DanosMom" and have been since she started school.  I like that tho.  "DanosMom".. sounds pretty cool to me.  Anyway, today is a good day.  No negativity.  I can do my best to change Dano in positive ways, and help her to become a proper young lady... but that's about it.  And it's ok.  :)