No change in 5 years..

It's interesting reading back on this blog.  It's been around for 5 years now.  I think it's probably the longest I have been "committed" to something other than my kid or my dogs.  LOL   Anyway, I came across this post, I think it was my 2nd post on this blog.  It's weird when you stop and think about how much life changes over the years, but when you REALLY think about it, does anything really change?  This is years ago... but still fits me today.. to the T.

Happy Friday y'all.. 

Monday, July 9, 2007

Sleep..

Trying to fall asleep at night is a pretty difficult feat for me.. once asleep, it's ok.. but it's the process of shutting down my brain in order to be relaxed enough to fall asleep that is so difficult. So last night, I was trying to slow down my thoughts and of course I started thinking again.. Trying to picture just black darkness, but somehow thoughts and images seem to creep back in, polluting my head to where it is spinning yet again. It seems days are filled with immediate thoughts and actions, where night time is where my head decides it's time to start thinking of the most mundane things that apparently I was too busy to think about during the day.
I can't imagine this is insomnia, and I can't take anything at night time for fear I will be completely worthless in the morning, or I won't wake up enough if something were wrong with my daughter. 
So I continue to lay here, with thoughts dancing in my head, and worries and frets about the coming days' activities.. Sweet Dreams or nightmares? 

How do you know who it is that you are meant for? How do you know what is supposed to happen in your life? How do you know when everything falls into place? How do you know why things happen "for a reason"? How do you know where all of this will happen? You don't get to know. It just is. So now I will try to go back to sleep and stop worrying about all of this.. because it just is.

Surreal. Convoluted. Empty
A plethora of emotions
haunting at the same time..

A sea of smoke
fills the room
and burns my eyes..

Daring tears to fall
my eyes close
until sleep finally takes over.....

Le Jardin..

Wanted to update on my garden.  It's a jungle.   In the tangled mess of the watermelon, pumpkin and cantaloupe... there are 3 watermelons still growing.. After opening that last one, I figured I'll wait a few more weeks to try this other HUGE one..   There is ONE (1) SINGLE pumpkin.  FFS, ONE!!? Anyway, I did find two hidden cantaloupes TRYING to grow.. not sure if they will make it or not.  I ripped out the squash plants.. they get ugly after awhile. HAHA  Planted some cucumbers.  I love cucumbers.  How does one spell kewks is how it sounds to me, short for cucumbers?? cucs? hhmmmm 
Anyway, those will start producing in a couple weeks.  The Zucchini plants are doing great.. I picked the first fruit/veggie last night and probably too late, because it was HUGE.. it was a good foot long.. :(  we'll see..  
The tomatillos are starting to grow. I had no idea HOW they grew, but as you can see below, they produce the "skin" pod thingy first, which is hollow, and then the tomatillo grows "into" that.  Kinda cool.  :)   My Grape Vine!! It looks like it's flexing muscles!!  I LOVE how it grew!! haha  hhmmm OH! going to plant some PURPLE tomatillo!!  How fun would that be to have purple salsa!? 
Still waiting on some "real" corn to show up to try, not too much longer.  You can see a watermelon behind the red chili bush/tree thingy...  There are a couple jalapenos FINALLY growing on the stupid plant that kept trying to commit suicide on me...  Anyhoo... here are some pics for you to laugh at.  
(｡◕‿◕｡)


BEHOLD LE JARDIN JUNGLE!  

Empty tomatillo shells

Some green Roma Tomatoes

A singular watermelon

The ONLY pumpkin out of the whole damn mess!

FINALLY a tiny bunch of broccoli is showing up..  ggrrrr

This looks like a STRONG vine.. you know, flexing.. meh. whatever.

Oh the sneaky watermelon I found growing behind the peppers.. 

Jalapenos I saved from suicide..  there are like 5 growing.. :D

Cucumbers!!!  Can't wait! 

This is THE MESS.  I can't wait to rip it all out.  NO MORE MELONS of any type.

Y'all are liars...

You know, I had seriously really wanted to believe you guys that I am doing things re: Dano "Right".  SHE just had to prove y'all wrong I guess.  I swear.  I am madder than a wet hen right now.  I am really trying to do everything the best that I can alone.  I CAN'T DO IT.  She's supposed to get ALL of her homework done when she is at "his" house.  Seems he can't be bothered with checking her homework to make SURE SHE DOES IT.  She's 12 FFS!! Of course she's gonna try to get out of it.  She did it last night.  I told her "Get ALL OF YOUR WORK DONE" when she got out of my car.  When I picked her up "Did you finish ALL OF YOUR WORK?"  "Yup"  Wrong.  I even got her an AGENDA to put in there ALL of her assignments.  Now, it is HIS job to be a parent and check to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to.  WHY WOULD I EXPECT THAT?!?!  He doesn't even "know" her anymore.  I shit you not.  Doesn't ask about school, friends, BOYS, NOTHING.  So, why expect he would check on her school work.  And therein lies my problem.  I screwed up because I didn't do it either.   I left it to him to do HIS JOB.  
So, this morning, she calls me (She calls me at LEAST 8 times every morning...) and she's crying.  At first I think it's because I went to wake her up to get up and shower, and she pitched THE biggest fit... so I just left.  Thought she was apologizing for that.  Nope.  She didn't do her homework.  OH MY GOSH Can you believe it!?  GASP!  Quelle Horreur!  I was pretty much beside myself.  BUT, in the larger scheme of things.. it is MY FAULT.  
I hate that, I hate admitting that, and saying it in my head.   But, it is.  So... Now, I am back to spending MY afternoons doing 7th grade pre algebra and talking about Atilla the Hun (Which I told Dano was very similar to my mother) and whatever other crap I don't care to remember about middle school.   That's not fair.  I am adult damn it.  I don't WANT to do school work, but to make sure that SHE succeeds, and does far better than I did in life, I guess I'll just drink my beers sitting on the floor in the office, listening to whatever is on the agenda starting today.   Yuk. 

Am I doin' it right??

It finally came to a head last night.  As far as I am concerned little white lies are the same as any other lie.  I don't care what anyone says, it is HARD to be a single full time parent.  Period.  I have to be Mom and in some cases Dad too.  It's frustrating, and quite honestly not fun.  So yesterday, I asked Dano to put the dishes in the dishwasher away and put the dirty dishes in, feed the dogs and get herself ready for school.  NOTHING happened, besides getting to school.  I asked her if the stuff was done at that time, and the response was "Almost".  I know what ALMOST means.  Not even close, haven't touched it, what was I supposed to do again?   I let it go.  We got home yesterday, and I saw the dishes, and we were putting away a few groceries.  Dano was going on and on about the back to school dance that is tonight.  Long story short, told Dano 2 more times to get the dishes done.  Didn't happen until about 7:30 last night, after I finally YELLED at her to get off her butt and do it NOW.  I lost it.  I told her she was a liar (technically she is) and that she KNOWS everything I've had to go thru with Donor and court for the last year, OVER a year, and this is how she is treating me.  I have to tell her 5,6 or 7 times to do something that should take ONE time go make her get up and DO IT.  I'm tired.  I can't be the good guy (Mom) AND the bad guy at the same time.  It's impossible.  Last night I turned into "Dad".. and very similar to her actual one.  She cried, a LOT.  Hysterically even.  After all I said to her, I didn't even FEEL BAD about it!  I knew I was right and I was just FED UP to here with all the bullshit.  She's 12 FFS!!!  Anyway, she kept saying I'm sorry.. I said for what? You aren't SORRY, you are upset you got caught LYING to me...  she said No, I'm sorry for disappointing you.   Ok WOW.  That's the worst feeling for ME personally, disappointing someone.  I hate feeling that I let someone down.  For whatever reason, it just crushes me.  Apparently that rubbed off on her.. Thank GOD.  I am not one to hold grudges WITH HER only.  Everyone else, no problem.  I can't do that to Dano.  She stopped crying and we talked more.  I apologized for yelling at her, but I said I wasn't sorry for calling her out.  She told me to not be sorry that it was her fault, and she was wrong, and she has to make things right with me.   And the dance.. I asked WHY I should let her go... (she was soo excited to go) and she told me "You shouldn't.  I don't deserve to go"..  I said you can tell all your friends how mad at me you are that I'm not going to let you go.  She was shocked but she said, "No, I'll tell them I lied to you and I can't go".   We'll see how that goes.   It is really hard to raise a kid, by yourself.  Literally, no family, no grandparents to help, no aunts or uncles to do anything... it's just "US"..  I really hope I am "doin it right"...  

Times change..

I am not even sure where to begin today.  Yesterday I buried my dear Friend Laurie.  She was 41 years young.  She was my big buddy in High School.  We shared a few classes together with the same teacher, Mr. Hufferd aka "Huff".  He was there at the services.  After it was over, the girls (Tiffany, Brittany & Shannon) and I took Huff to lunch. We had a lovely time.  I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Huff who will be turning 80 about the same time I will be turning 40 next year.  I was really disappointed by the lack of "friends" from HS to show up for the services.  I know everyone is different and they all "have lives" to live etc.. but I can't wrap my head around, what is SOOO important in your great life, that you couldn't take a few hours out of your day to say good bye to a friend.  Granted, there have been 1 maybe 2 funerals I did not attend because I would have been a broken down blubbering mess and ruined everything.  But I just can't see that what 30-40 people would have done the same at one funeral?  Anyway, that has been weighing heavily on my mind today.  I have no family, so to spend time with Huff listening to stories gave me a sense of "family" again and that was very comforting to me.  I miss Laurie.  She was at my house last for a gathering of friends before I moved.  Those happen now and again, but it won't be the same without her.  I think I'll have to do another one anyway, around Christmas time, and host friends that ARE still around.. My brain is having a hard time adjusting and many thoughts flying around.  Dano saw Lauries picture on the funeral card, and exclaimed "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IT WAS HER!?"  I didn't think Dano remembered her, she only saw her a handful of times, and it wasn't like Dano was really interested or so I thought.  She was upset at me for not letting her go with me, but I had to be Mom and made her attend school.  It's just how it is.  I miss Laurie's smile, and laughter, and her ability to make you smile even if you are in a crying fit.  Her sarcasm taught me so well, and that will be missed terribly.  I am really not sure where to go with this, I think I just needed to write it down so I didn't keep dwelling..  I can't wait to meet up with her again some day.  

One of Laurie's Favorite sayings... :)