So many changes.... Again.

I don't even know where to begin.   Everything, literally EVERYTHING is changing.  She graduated.  High School.  She's leaving for college.  In another state.  Like gone. Away from me. I'm alone again.  I'm back to when I left my house when I was 17 years old, leaving my parents home for the first time, and I'm freaking out.  WHY am I freaking out??  Sure she is, as she should be, she's going to miss her friends, not me, her friends, as it should be of course, but why I am I freaking out?  Yes, I'll miss her. It's been the two of us for the last 15 years, I think growing up together, but this time it's different.  I left home with the world waiting for me. Ready to do some damage or so I thought. Here. I. Come. I was ready.  I've spent the last 18 years pretending to raise a child, and now she's going off to college, and I'm leaving Ca to move to another state because WHY do I need to stay here, there is no one here for me, she's gone, but I'm leaving, to start my life.  My. Life.  And I'm scared. To death.  What the entire hell is wrong with me? I am a grown ass woman for fks sake! I own GUNS, I can take care of myself and yet, I am scared?  Fearful?  Yes. I am. And I think it's normal and maybe even ok.  I've been alone raising her so it has to be normal for me to feel like this, some part of that "empty nest" bullshit or whatever.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO HAPPY for her, she NEEDS this to live her life, and I am happy to finally start my life again.  I already have a house, a job lined up making more money etc.. so it's all good, but living alone.  Again.  That has me a little spooked.  I have my trusty .9mm gun to keep in my room but I think once I move, I might need to pick up a couple more to keep in other places in the house to get a little more access to, "if" the need arises..  you never know living alone, you need to "feel safe"  ;)
I'm glad to finally be able to leave Ca and get out of this tax rich hell hole once and for all, and start a new life.. meet new people (somehow) and force myself to get out and do things.  That one will be tough for me to do, but I need to find a way to do it.  I really want to take a pottery class and a cooking class.. My kid seems to think I am going to die once she's gone since she likes to feed me, and I won't be able to fend for myself.. um hello??  Ever heard of Top Ramen??   HAHA kidding, that shit is nasty.  My mom used to make the best cheese on toast in the broiler, and that was just delish..  
Anyway, I can't wait to move, 2 more weeks.. I have a pool, so I am VERY happy, that'll help with my back, and my dog.. I can't wait to take her to the shelter to meet a new friend to bring home so she has a buddy.. THAT will be a feat in itself.  She hates the world accept me and "sissy" so we'll see how that goes. 
Having my current job (that I will temporarily retire from this week) actually "let me go" along with the entire California plant is such a blessing.  We get so stagnant in our lives, and I am THE WORST with change.  I'd be so content staying right where I am and not leave or move on for years.  But the takeover has forced me to do the opposite.  I HAVE TO LEAVE, along with everyone else. It's sad, bittersweet and a challenge and cleansing to say the least and it couldn't have come at a better time with her going off to college. It's funny how you think "Oh no, NOW what am I going to do, how am I going to get by" etc.. all these thoughts..  I couldn't sit around and do that. I am ONE income.  I had to just DO something, so I literally picked a state, I made plans, but, those plans changed, I picked another state, found a house, put down my deposit, set up all the utilities to be turned on, and started the ball rolling.  Sent out my resume, and within a week, was offered a job. After a couple weeks, that job fell thru, they needed someone sooner.  So I paid to have my resume professionally redone (waste of money, turns out) only to have the original job call me back to offer me the job AGAIN and send me a contract which is now signed, and ready for me to start work.  I know that everything works out somehow, I ALWAYS tell her that, which she doesn't believe until she sees it happen.  I don't always believe it either, I usually have to see it too, to reinforce that I believe it myself.  But I do know, it happens for a reason, even if it's not a good reason.   This time, it just worked out and I couldn't be happier. Even losing my job, I couldn't be happier because it forced me to go move on to something different.  15 years at one place, with no moving up ...  it's time to move "on".  
She's staying in a dorm for the first year, and deathly afraid she won't make friends, which is just ludicrous. She's crazy. Her dorm mates will be her first mates the minute she gets there!!  I know she won't have any problems, but she won't listen to me, then says "I already have my friends here!, I don't need any more friends"..  I tried to explain that you make friends ALL THRU LIFE! Work friends, high school friends, college friends, ALL sorts of friends, but you only KEEP a handful of REAL friends that you'll carry with you for life.  Those ones are the ones you keep with you always.  HOW do you get it thru her head that she DOESN'T know better and that I KNOW EVERYTHING? (no, I really do). If ANYONE has any ideas that I can TELL her to help with this, I'm ALL ears.  Sidenote:  I've already told her *most* college freshmen are just as afraid as she is and just as worried about making friends and this big scary world etc, besides the crazy ones that are all excited to get out of the house and think they are ready for it. Any input is welcomed.
So, time for both of us to move on for our reasons, whatever they may be, to better ourselves even tho I will miss her every single minute of every single day and night until I see her again.  I hope she doesn't delete the Skype app after a week. 

"Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what that reason was"   ~Unknown

That time again..

So, twelve years ago today.. RIGHT NOW.. I was in the hospital napping I think.. waiting for my only child to enter the world.  The day was mostly uneventful besides finding out I was out of amniotic fluid, so they had to "replenish" it for me.  At about noon~ish while listening to her heart beat on the monitor, I heard a "pop/swoosh" kind of noise. Made me raise my eyebrows (because I can't do just one, which sucks.. ) and suddenly it hit me.. MY water broke!  HAHA  Again, made me think "that's weird, I thought I was out of water.. "   Anyway, yes, my water broke.  So after that, I decided to take another nap.  Trying to get in as many as I can before she shows up to turn my sleeping patterns upside down.  I slept for a few more hours, and then the anesthesiologist came in to give me an epidural.  I argued with her for a bit, because I wasn't in any pain, and didn't need it.  All she said was "Trust me.  Roll over".   Okie dokie!   Back to sleep.  I started feeling "it" about 6pm or so.  Time to get up and walk around the hospital.  Didn't seem to do a whole lot of good.  But, at about 9pm, (NYPD Blue was on mind you I LOVE Sipowitz) I was watching TV and I KNEW she was ready.  I hollered at the nurse that "somebody better hurry up and catch this thing because she was coming out in a hurry"!  Three pushes later, and there she was.  This big head, little tiny body alien thing.  Seriously, her head was GINORMOUS.  Not misshapen or anything, just BIG.  She was THE happiest baby.  I remember my dad coming in to the room and holding her, and for those that KNOW my dad, will laugh here... he said "When do the eyes open?"  Um, Dad, she's not a puppy.  smh.   Now, being pregnant, and labor, and giving birth, TOTAL piece of cake.  For reals.  It was a breeze.. no morning sickness, I only gained like 27lbs total.. Easy Peasy.  Now, AFTER all that, worse thing in my life.  I knew then, that I would never have more kids.  To put it mildly, hemorrhaging, tons of blood loss, vomiting (ON people no less), passing out repeatedly, etc...  I know the nurses hated me.  I was told it was a 'fluke' thing.  I disagree.  I wasn't supposed to ever be able to HAVE children, and I think that was part of why.  Anyway, I had jaundice for a like a week, constipated as all get out taking mass amounts of iron.  I remember the day I brought her home.. I was rocking her in the chair and watching the clock on the wall and she was bawling. No idea why.  When her dad came home, he came into her room, where I was also bawling.  He freaked out, asking what was wrong, and honestly I had NO IDEA.  She cried, so I cried.  What a life changing event.  I can't imagine for a second what my life would be like without her.  She's the best thing I've ever done, and probably ever will do.  How she turns out as a young woman will be a direct reflection on my abilities as a "Mom" in raising her.  12 years, so far so good... I'm crossing my fingers the next 12 aren't too bad.  
                          I love you Dano.  To the moon and back.