So many changes.... Again.

I don't even know where to begin.   Everything, literally EVERYTHING is changing.  She graduated.  High School.  She's leaving for college.  In another state.  Like gone. Away from me. I'm alone again.  I'm back to when I left my house when I was 17 years old, leaving my parents home for the first time, and I'm freaking out.  WHY am I freaking out??  Sure she is, as she should be, she's going to miss her friends, not me, her friends, as it should be of course, but why I am I freaking out?  Yes, I'll miss her. It's been the two of us for the last 15 years, I think growing up together, but this time it's different.  I left home with the world waiting for me. Ready to do some damage or so I thought. Here. I. Come. I was ready.  I've spent the last 18 years pretending to raise a child, and now she's going off to college, and I'm leaving Ca to move to another state because WHY do I need to stay here, there is no one here for me, she's gone, but I'm leaving, to start my life.  My. Life.  And I'm scared. To death.  What the entire hell is wrong with me? I am a grown ass woman for fks sake! I own GUNS, I can take care of myself and yet, I am scared?  Fearful?  Yes. I am. And I think it's normal and maybe even ok.  I've been alone raising her so it has to be normal for me to feel like this, some part of that "empty nest" bullshit or whatever.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO HAPPY for her, she NEEDS this to live her life, and I am happy to finally start my life again.  I already have a house, a job lined up making more money etc.. so it's all good, but living alone.  Again.  That has me a little spooked.  I have my trusty .9mm gun to keep in my room but I think once I move, I might need to pick up a couple more to keep in other places in the house to get a little more access to, "if" the need arises..  you never know living alone, you need to "feel safe"  ;)
I'm glad to finally be able to leave Ca and get out of this tax rich hell hole once and for all, and start a new life.. meet new people (somehow) and force myself to get out and do things.  That one will be tough for me to do, but I need to find a way to do it.  I really want to take a pottery class and a cooking class.. My kid seems to think I am going to die once she's gone since she likes to feed me, and I won't be able to fend for myself.. um hello??  Ever heard of Top Ramen??   HAHA kidding, that shit is nasty.  My mom used to make the best cheese on toast in the broiler, and that was just delish..  
Anyway, I can't wait to move, 2 more weeks.. I have a pool, so I am VERY happy, that'll help with my back, and my dog.. I can't wait to take her to the shelter to meet a new friend to bring home so she has a buddy.. THAT will be a feat in itself.  She hates the world accept me and "sissy" so we'll see how that goes. 
Having my current job (that I will temporarily retire from this week) actually "let me go" along with the entire California plant is such a blessing.  We get so stagnant in our lives, and I am THE WORST with change.  I'd be so content staying right where I am and not leave or move on for years.  But the takeover has forced me to do the opposite.  I HAVE TO LEAVE, along with everyone else. It's sad, bittersweet and a challenge and cleansing to say the least and it couldn't have come at a better time with her going off to college. It's funny how you think "Oh no, NOW what am I going to do, how am I going to get by" etc.. all these thoughts..  I couldn't sit around and do that. I am ONE income.  I had to just DO something, so I literally picked a state, I made plans, but, those plans changed, I picked another state, found a house, put down my deposit, set up all the utilities to be turned on, and started the ball rolling.  Sent out my resume, and within a week, was offered a job. After a couple weeks, that job fell thru, they needed someone sooner.  So I paid to have my resume professionally redone (waste of money, turns out) only to have the original job call me back to offer me the job AGAIN and send me a contract which is now signed, and ready for me to start work.  I know that everything works out somehow, I ALWAYS tell her that, which she doesn't believe until she sees it happen.  I don't always believe it either, I usually have to see it too, to reinforce that I believe it myself.  But I do know, it happens for a reason, even if it's not a good reason.   This time, it just worked out and I couldn't be happier. Even losing my job, I couldn't be happier because it forced me to go move on to something different.  15 years at one place, with no moving up ...  it's time to move "on".  
She's staying in a dorm for the first year, and deathly afraid she won't make friends, which is just ludicrous. She's crazy. Her dorm mates will be her first mates the minute she gets there!!  I know she won't have any problems, but she won't listen to me, then says "I already have my friends here!, I don't need any more friends"..  I tried to explain that you make friends ALL THRU LIFE! Work friends, high school friends, college friends, ALL sorts of friends, but you only KEEP a handful of REAL friends that you'll carry with you for life.  Those ones are the ones you keep with you always.  HOW do you get it thru her head that she DOESN'T know better and that I KNOW EVERYTHING? (no, I really do). If ANYONE has any ideas that I can TELL her to help with this, I'm ALL ears.  Sidenote:  I've already told her *most* college freshmen are just as afraid as she is and just as worried about making friends and this big scary world etc, besides the crazy ones that are all excited to get out of the house and think they are ready for it. Any input is welcomed.
So, time for both of us to move on for our reasons, whatever they may be, to better ourselves even tho I will miss her every single minute of every single day and night until I see her again.  I hope she doesn't delete the Skype app after a week. 

"Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what that reason was"   ~Unknown

2014... So Far..

Well, we moved..  So far so.. ok, not so good.  The move itself was fine.  It was kind of nice to move from such a HUGE house to something more manageable.  IF she'd only help MANAGE it.  :\  It's soo small, anything out of place and it looks like a cluttered mess.  I'm ready to rip her hair out (what's left of it) and sit on her, and honestly I don't even know what to do anymore.  She won't listen.  She pretends to, and says "Ok, Mom, got it".. blah blah blah.  Whatever.  Anyway, seems I wasn't all that smart moving DOWNSTAIRS.  After living in the house, (2 stories) and my knees getting worse, I figured downstairs is perfect.  Until the lelefants moved in above me.  WHO DOES LAUNDRY AT 4AM!?!?!  Or HAND washes dishes at 1am?!  Someone up there is really into some kind of twerkin, zumba, hip hop, stomponthedamnfloor dancin shit, and it SUCKS.  I have tuned much of it out (having kids makes that easier) but she constantly complains about them.  And my poor Mojo, if they drop something up there, Mo instantly jumps up and looks around like some stealth FBI dog or something.  She's gonna die of a heart attack.  She's done SOO good with being potty trained, she holds everything until we get home and then we take her out and she's good.  Sometimes tho she'll wake me up at 2am to go out, but it's cool because she's not shit in the house or anything for 2 weeks so far! It is SOOO hard not having ALL my dogs, I won't go into it, because it still hurts too damn much...  So, I'm looking into spending the extra $300 or so that I wanted to SAVE every month, and moving to the 2 br 2 car garage.  Bottom floor is the garage and washer / dryer.  Middle is kitchen, dining, living room, her room, bathroom and walk in closet, and MY room is the top (QUIET) with the loft and my bathroom and bigger walk in closet.  I say I am HOPING to do this.  I've been there 2 weeks, and it's just too small, and the lelefants will drive me mad.  I talked to the leasing office and now just waiting to hear what the mucky mucks say about it.  Cross your fingers!!
Tomorrow is back to court.  Yay.. (laced heavily with sarcasm). 
We went last month, where I turned in pages and pages of everything going on etc... and he showed up with no lawyer.  Seems he got dropped. Quelle Horreur.   NOT!  It was bound to happen.  Anyway, seeing as he had no lawyer he played stupid and said he didn't know HOW to turn in the requested papers that he needed (with over a month to FIND HELP, WHATEVER LOSER).  So the "sub" judge that day decided that we needed to go back to mediation and that the kid needed to as well, and let's all meet back "tomorrow".  I put in my papers for her to see him every other Saturday 8 am - 8 pm.  That's it.  Since she HASN'T seen him since last year, she's on HONOR ROLL.  She's not stressed about him, she concentrates on her homework and DOES IT etc...  I see no need for week day visits just so he can yell at her... again.  Now, after she went to her mediation and told me what she said to the lady, I don't THINK he'll actually get any because even when he sent the sheriff to my house, to make her go see him, the sheriff said "We can't make her go, you have a good night" and left.  So... we'll see what they say.   
Found out a good friend of mine is going to be divorcing.  He left her, no reason why nothing.  Just "I'm done".  I personally can understand that, because that was me when I left.  I was DONE.  Seems he's lied and there is someone else, after repeatedly denying it.   Long story short, caught him.  And what's worse, it's a friend of Hers.  :'(  So, spending time with her, doing what I can to be supportive.  And I have court tomorrow for my own crap.  Easter is next weekend, and we were invited to go the Havafew for it.  (Not taking the boat out tho).  We decided to go (yesterday) and today I thought about it, they will be gone, so bug and I can be home this weekend and NOT have to do anything for anyone.  We can go to the community breakfast with the Easter Bunny and just do "our thing" and talk and get back to some kind of "normal", together.  Whatever that is.

Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else's anchor

All moved in... Sorta..

So Dano and I are finally moved in for the most part..  I still have some boxes of shit in the garage, I really need to go thru and just donate to clean up some space.  I LOVE the new house.  A lot. :)  It's too big, but I don't care. Dano is OVER THE MOON.  She has a new BFF next door, named Kira (pronounced like Keira as in Knightly) and they are inseparable. She got two puppies (well, 9 months old or so)  Black mouth Cur is the breed... ADORABLE!! Love them.  Well, I love all dogs... (bigger than a terrier tho, I can't stand yippy dogs... )  They are howling at night because they are new to the house.. Well, let me back up a second.. Lilah, my BABY great dane / pit mix is a SCAREDY CAT!  4th of July, she FLIPPED out during fireworks.. she'd never seen them so they scared the shit outta her :(  Well, last night (a week after the holiday) I tried taking Lilah out front again.  NOPE. Dragged my ass back to the front door.. Poor thing, I'll keep trying.  The kids lit off LOUD ass fireworks last night.. FREAKED my baby out, AGAIN.  She ran FLED into the house, THROUGH the screen door, upstairs to MY room, into my closet.  I HATE that she is so afraid... long story short, I worked with her a while, and got her back outside.  Then the two puppies next door started howling.  It sounded soo funny to me, but poor Lilah, has her head cocked to the side, and her ears back (looks like she's in a wind tunnel)... and starts howling at them.  I gave up and took her with me to take a bath and relax... I bathed, she laid in the closet watching me.  
Hhhmmm that got a little off topic!  LOL  Back to Dano.. so she decided last night, she wants to stay home and hang out with the kids today.  I'm all for that, but her dad doesn't think she's old enough to be home alone.  Well, technically it's not home alone.. it's hanging out with friends in the neighborhood... and their Moms are home.  (I'm jealous... I want to be home too!)  As y'all know, Dano tells me everything... So last night she tells me, Mom, the girls want to try to sneak into the movies tomorrow.  Ok, have fun.  I don't have a problem with her doing that, but explained what happens when they get caught, and that it won't turn out well, and that she should try to talk to the girls today before attempting this, to try to sway them.  I don't know if it'll work but she said she'd call me.   What I wouldn't give to be her age again, and have close friends... (I didn't have any, long boring story... ) 
I hope she has fun, learns from her mistakes, and ALWAYS ALWAYS feels that she can tell me anything.. That is my biggest fear, that she will stop... and that I won't know her anymore.. She's growing up sooo fast.  Anyway... Happy Monday :) 

Today...

is the day.  Moving day ~ ish.  haha  I've been packing for 2 weeks, and shit canning a bunch of stuff.  Did the yard sale thing, which reminded me WHY I don't do yard sales... helped my friends move (quid pro quo, he's helping me tonight since I have NO ONE ELSE TO HELP ME).. got a concussion, cleaned, and still not ready to go!  HAHAHAHA
Back to the concussion.. so we got all kinds of shit moved in at their new apartment, and the last thing I was doing was separating the entertainment center more to accommodate their big ass television.  Didn't know the "top piece" wasn't attached and it came crashing down on my head.  Oh, and the force of that smashed the OTHER side of my head on the other part of the unit.  Woo... that was fun.  So I got the proverbial headache, and couldn't sleep that night.. Next day I was a useless wreck.  I shit you not, I was on the couch, and could NOT be bothered to watch NASCAR, OR drink beer.  Ya something was wrong.  Vomiting ensued, pressure in my head, couldn't sleep... So long story short, took myself to the ER Monday, AFTER I went to the bank to get 3 more cashiers checks to give to the Realtor in order to get the keys to the new house.  I give them to her, and she says "Oh, the homeowner is at the house, he has the keys and garage door opener, you need to go there now."  Great, just what I need.. pull over by the cows and vomit on my way to meet him.  Good Times!
Got my stuff, quick introductions, and "hey, this.. this and this is broken, need it fixed asap"..  and I'm off to the ER.  After x-rays and a CT scan, there was no bleed, just a bit of swelling. Dr said to "REST, the remainder of the week"  I told him I had to work, and pack and move etc... He said "Fine, wear a helmet then."  UGH.  So I took Tuesday off too.  Dano and I made quite a few trips to the new house, unloading kitchen stuff, and a TON of clothes.  Last night, I finished up the kitchen for the most part, and cleaned the stove, oven, microwave, counter tops and back splash crap.  
This brings me to, today.  Moving day.  Not even CLOSE to ready.  haha
I pulled the couch apart yesterday to vacuum it.  ERMAHGERD my dogs shed WAAAAY worse than me.  I bought a "Sticky buddy"... piece of shit. Don't waste your money.  Now I gotta but a couple of those lint rollers at the Dollar tree.. 
There are people currently at the new place shampooing carpets and stretching them. (Nice big ass lump down the middle.. ugly)  Sooooo My buddy Eric is bringing a 16' trailer so we can get all the big stuff (Washer/Dryer/Fridge/couches/beds/desks/tables yadda yadda) to the new house just to leave it in the GARAGE.  hhmmm  Then after work, tomorrow, go back to the old house to get the rest of the trivial shit, and CLEAN some more.  Oh, and paint.  Since Lilah liked ONE damn spot to lay, she dirtied ONE spot on the wall.  One of the 7 (SEVEN) colors of the interior of the house, and the ONLY touch up can of paint that was DRIED to a solid.  Valspar is OVERPRICED and charged me like $17 for a damn QUART of damn paint.  (deep breath)  So tonight I guess I'm sleeping in the garage of the new house.  Or at the old house, with NOTHING goin on, and sleeping on the floor.  Decisions Decisions. 

Update:  I forgot I got new Lavender "Bath salts" for my new tub... guess I'm staying at the new place tonight... ;) 

Changes.. Again..

Life is constantly changing.. we all know that.  Mine seem to seriously ebb and flow way more often than it should.  It's like some things I know I can count on to be the same every day, and others seriously throw me for a loop. Anyway, Me and Dano are moving June 30th.  Just easier, and I will have the comfort of knowing she won't have to change schools etc.. Was planning on having a yard sale this weekend. THAT got canned because Dano has an audition for a photoshoot for a new boutique in LA. CROSSING MY FINGERS and praying to everything that she gets it.  First paying gig at 12 years old!  LOL  Shitty thing is that the shoot, if she gets it, IS THE WEEKEND WE MOVE!!  It's 6-8 hours per day sat and sun.  I can't be in two places at the same time.. :(  Not sure how I am going to pull this one off.  I LOVE LOVE LOOOOOOOVE the new house.  It's beautiful!  A bathub FOR ME! Not a jacuzzi one, but still, it's MINE.  Candles, music and a nice glass of... who am I kidding.. a nice can of beer!  Little things people.. little things. ;)  I have a HUGE walk in closet that I could have a party in.  I shit you not.  And the LOFT.. Wow. You could put a wall up between them and have to huge bedrooms!  
Dano graduates from 6th grade this Thursday.  Wow. Weird how some things seem like yesterday, and others.... not so much.  I can't believe it.  She's already as tall as me, and her sleds (feet) are bigger than mine.  She's on track to be 5'10".  WOW.  I'm short compared to that.  BUT, I will still kick her little butt, I don't care how tall she gets.  I think I posted a while back that my 50" Mitsubishi took a shit.  It turned itself off, and won't turn back on.  It "clicks" like it wants to, but nothin.  I am fairly certain it's the power supply.  Got a guy comin today to fix it.  Dano's 42" tv in her room took a shit.  THIS ISN'T GOOD.. I'm moving and everything is dying on me!  Getting rid of her TV because it'll cost me like $400 to fix that one.. not worth it, I'll just get another one.  Wait. No.  The big ass mitsubishi will go in the LOFT where all her gaming stuff is.. she don't need a tv in her room.  There.  Problem solved.  Too bad all my other decisions/problems aren't that easy. 

Could it be?? Am I growing up!?

Something strange is goin on lately.. I'm "HAPPY".  Like for consecutive days.  I am staying AHEAD of the game for once.  haha  I smile for NO reason.  Which by the way has been buttloads of fun lately.  I was thinking, when I was growing up, I was in GATE and skipped grades blah blah.  I went to the schools that were local to where I lived.  I did get into a technology program at a high school outside my city which I subsequently BLEW it and was kicked out of the school..   Anyway, that's not my point.  Now that I am being "forced" to move which I see as a blessing in disguise, I am researching the schools local to the city I want to move to, to check it out, see what it's like, read comments from other parents etc.  Can it be that I am growing up!? I am looking to move, but I have to make sure that the schools (Jr High, and High School) that Dano will be attending are "Distinguished" schools, or rank pretty high up there.  I am actually basing, for the first time in my life, where I am going to move to strictly based on Dano.  Not any of my selfish wishes. Don't get me wrong, I do almost EVERYTHING for Dano, school projects, all the crap she wants etc..  It IS really, just LUCK that all the retail places I like, and the drive thru $tarbuck$, and the market and all that just "happen" to be walking distance, just like the schools... ;) Yay for me.  I know I'm a parent, and that I just turned 39 but THIS specific event in my life I don't feel like a 20 something like usual.  I actually feel kind of "responsible" I think.  Can't do TOO much of that, I'll start acting "old", but this is pretty cool.  I think we're going to go this weekend to the swap meet and get her the "beach cruiser" she really wants to ride to school.  It is like 1.3 miles, so she has to have a cool bike.  She wants purple.  I said sure, with a bike "bling bling" bell on it, and a basket with big purple flames, and flames on the bike frame, and some other cool stuff..  Right?  LOL

So happy I could spit..

I spend so much time trying to be optimistic for others.  Cheer everyone else up.. "It's going to be ok"  "Trust me, It will all work out"  "Tomorrow is another day" etc blah blah..  Rather than go on about more drivel, I'll get right to it.  I just learned that my landlord at the house I am currently renting for the last 2 1/2 years, decided to let the house go into foreclosure.  BUZZKILL!  Love my house.  Well, THE house.  Rather than typically freaking out and wondering "What's going to happen to me!?!?".. I went another route altogether.  It's funny.. when I realized that eventually I will have to move, I started picking the house apart.  "Those cracks in the concrete will cost a fortune to fix.  The coping is coming away from the pool wall, THAT will cost a grip of cash.  This 70's linoleum is just hideous".. you know, things like that.  haha  LOVE having a pool.  But the more I think about it, the cost of the water I had to put in the pool, the cost of electricity of running the pump every night etc...  I think I am ok with NOT having a pool.  What are friends for?!  haha  So, I changed my selfish thinking.  I need to move to a home that is ideally located close to the Jr High school and the High school so Dano can walk to school.  Saving money on the water and the electric, AND saving daycare costs... will allow me to move into a "nicer" home.  I think it's time for that.  Dano's "Dad" has made things very shitty to say the least.  Back to talking thru his lawyer.   Whatever. My point is, regardless of all this... It is a GOOD THING!  It's time for a change.  A new start.  If you follow my blog, you know I've made some changes in the past year, and this will be the icing on the cake.  I found a house last night on line, and contacted the "agent" to set up a time to see the house.  Turns out he's the homeowner, NOT the agent.  I like that a LOT.  It's almost impossible to deal with "leasing agents" or whatever, to try to get ANYTHING fixed in the house.  I'm a I'll fix it with your approval, and take it off the rent... repair and deduct kind of girl.   Anyway, I've bored you enough.  Life is throwing me a bunch of shit, but it's "OK"... I can handle it.  I always have.  Might post more later, after I see the house.  Me and Dano are gonna be just fine, and we BOTH can't stop smiling today... ;)    Happy Friday and Happy Easter.