So Proud..

I am so proud of my Dano.  This past weekend, she went to volunteer at a homeless shelter, cleaning and painting it.  She worked REALLY hard, and told me all about what she thought about it afterwards.  I can't say it humbled her really, but she did talk a lot about homeless people and soup kitchens and her thoughts about life in general.  They were her private thoughts so I won't share them, but I am REALLY VERY VERY proud of her, and I hope this is something that sticks with her for a long time.  XOXOXO for my Dano.

Am I where I should be??

I've been constantly asking myself lately, if this is where I am supposed to be in life.  I mean, I'm 39, and a single Mom.  I've taken care of myself since I was 16 years old.  I did the married thing for a few years, and realized it wasn't for me. (or I picked the wrong guy, or I am just a bitch, or whatever).  Anyway, since turning 39 a couple weeks ago, and taking a good look around me, I found I'm a little bit lost.  On the one hand I feel like "Oh my gosh, I'm 39 years old and what do I have to show for my life except where I am RIGHT this minute." I feel like I screwed up so many things and maybe I'm starting over for the 3rd time?  Like another "mid life crisis"...  now, on the OTHER hand... I feel like I'm old. I'm done. No one is going to want to date an old hag like me with a full time kid to boot.  I'm damaged goods.  And even tho that may be, WHY AM I OK WITH THAT!?!?  I like being alone.  No one to have to do anything for (besides Dano).  I can do what I want (which isn't a whole hell of a lot since I have Dano.. NO COMPLAINTS here btw).  And then I think, but I don't have anyone to share ME with...  And this is where I decided I'm lost.  I don't know where I should be.  Or what I should be doing.  I have a job, Dano and I are healthy, my business is doing pretty good (even tho I want to quit my day job and do my business full time)..  Whose to say where MY life should be?? Am I behind in achievements or something?  Should I try sky diving again?  Learn scuba diving?  WHAT AM I MISSING!?!?!?   Usually writing this stuff gives me a little clarity...  no such luck this time... 

Could it be?? Am I growing up!?

Something strange is goin on lately.. I'm "HAPPY".  Like for consecutive days.  I am staying AHEAD of the game for once.  haha  I smile for NO reason.  Which by the way has been buttloads of fun lately.  I was thinking, when I was growing up, I was in GATE and skipped grades blah blah.  I went to the schools that were local to where I lived.  I did get into a technology program at a high school outside my city which I subsequently BLEW it and was kicked out of the school..   Anyway, that's not my point.  Now that I am being "forced" to move which I see as a blessing in disguise, I am researching the schools local to the city I want to move to, to check it out, see what it's like, read comments from other parents etc.  Can it be that I am growing up!? I am looking to move, but I have to make sure that the schools (Jr High, and High School) that Dano will be attending are "Distinguished" schools, or rank pretty high up there.  I am actually basing, for the first time in my life, where I am going to move to strictly based on Dano.  Not any of my selfish wishes. Don't get me wrong, I do almost EVERYTHING for Dano, school projects, all the crap she wants etc..  It IS really, just LUCK that all the retail places I like, and the drive thru $tarbuck$, and the market and all that just "happen" to be walking distance, just like the schools... ;) Yay for me.  I know I'm a parent, and that I just turned 39 but THIS specific event in my life I don't feel like a 20 something like usual.  I actually feel kind of "responsible" I think.  Can't do TOO much of that, I'll start acting "old", but this is pretty cool.  I think we're going to go this weekend to the swap meet and get her the "beach cruiser" she really wants to ride to school.  It is like 1.3 miles, so she has to have a cool bike.  She wants purple.  I said sure, with a bike "bling bling" bell on it, and a basket with big purple flames, and flames on the bike frame, and some other cool stuff..  Right?  LOL

So happy I could spit..

I spend so much time trying to be optimistic for others.  Cheer everyone else up.. "It's going to be ok"  "Trust me, It will all work out"  "Tomorrow is another day" etc blah blah..  Rather than go on about more drivel, I'll get right to it.  I just learned that my landlord at the house I am currently renting for the last 2 1/2 years, decided to let the house go into foreclosure.  BUZZKILL!  Love my house.  Well, THE house.  Rather than typically freaking out and wondering "What's going to happen to me!?!?".. I went another route altogether.  It's funny.. when I realized that eventually I will have to move, I started picking the house apart.  "Those cracks in the concrete will cost a fortune to fix.  The coping is coming away from the pool wall, THAT will cost a grip of cash.  This 70's linoleum is just hideous".. you know, things like that.  haha  LOVE having a pool.  But the more I think about it, the cost of the water I had to put in the pool, the cost of electricity of running the pump every night etc...  I think I am ok with NOT having a pool.  What are friends for?!  haha  So, I changed my selfish thinking.  I need to move to a home that is ideally located close to the Jr High school and the High school so Dano can walk to school.  Saving money on the water and the electric, AND saving daycare costs... will allow me to move into a "nicer" home.  I think it's time for that.  Dano's "Dad" has made things very shitty to say the least.  Back to talking thru his lawyer.   Whatever. My point is, regardless of all this... It is a GOOD THING!  It's time for a change.  A new start.  If you follow my blog, you know I've made some changes in the past year, and this will be the icing on the cake.  I found a house last night on line, and contacted the "agent" to set up a time to see the house.  Turns out he's the homeowner, NOT the agent.  I like that a LOT.  It's almost impossible to deal with "leasing agents" or whatever, to try to get ANYTHING fixed in the house.  I'm a I'll fix it with your approval, and take it off the rent... repair and deduct kind of girl.   Anyway, I've bored you enough.  Life is throwing me a bunch of shit, but it's "OK"... I can handle it.  I always have.  Might post more later, after I see the house.  Me and Dano are gonna be just fine, and we BOTH can't stop smiling today... ;)    Happy Friday and Happy Easter. 

another year..

Another year has come and gone.  This is the last of my 30's.. Makes me a little sad.  Dano and I went to lunch yesterday (Yes, I kept her out of school.  It's good to play hooky once in a while no?) and had a really fun day together.  Amazing that, this child that I created, has such different tastes than I do!! HA!  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, which we both love, (THANK GOODNESS!) and she learned more on how to play poker with that table game thingy... I know, Mom of the year right?  haha  Anyway, after that she decided she wanted to get a DRESS for her Star award banquet this coming Friday.  Each year for state testing she's always scored almost the top of the class, last year was no exception.  She's getting another Gold Medal.  :)  I am very proud of her.  Now, back to the "taste" in clothing thing... hhmmm, where do I even start?  Things I picked out thinking, "kinda plain, simple, she's not really into dresses so these should be safe"... she turns around and picks out PROM dresses!  WTH!?!  Like with FLOWERS and lace and ruffles and "poofy" bottoms...  I. Don't. Get. It.  WHO is this kid?!  Long story short, WE decided on a black dress, thicker "lace" strap thingys which are a bit wider than the two finger width requirement, and a "shrug".  WHAT is that anyway?  Oh, Newsflash.  I don't WEAR dresses.  Or "shrugs", whatever they are.  She did look beautiful when she was trying them all on.  THAT was actually fun.  OH! WHAT 12 year old (barely) girl wears a 9 1/2 shoe!!? Good grief, I am having issues.. HAHA  Her feet are bigger than mine, her poor chest is bigger than mine EVER was at any age near 12 (I was a late bloomer, flat chested til almost 14) I can't stop smiling right now.  As frustrating as my 12 year old is, she is SUCH a blast.  I can honestly say I know I wasn't anything like her at 12.  I was more reserved, took care of my younger siblings, played "Mom" for years... so it's hard for me to figure out WHO this kid is that I am trying to raise.  Quite honestly, so far so good.  I may be right, or wrong, who knows, but she is my very best friend in the world.  I am her mother first, but man, when I don't have to be "Mom", we have such a great time together.  I am trying to cherish every minute of this, because I fear like all mothers do, that she'll hit the magical age where she will hate me.  She will stop telling me everything.  I will be the "enemy".  I can't bear that thought yet.  We've discussed that, we'll I've brought it up to her, and then she cries and tells me she will NEVER ever hate me, and that she wants to be with me forever..  I know, a 12 year old talking...  I just want life to slow down a little bit, and keep my little girl little, as long as I can....   Happy Birthday to me.  :)

This was the day before her 3rd Birthday at Disneyland 9 years ago... Just the two of us.. THAT was a great Birthday... :) 

It's all good..

I've finally given up.  Not in a bad way.  Just given up trying to control or change anything.  It seems I'm less stressed just letting things just "be".  I can't change anyone else, well besides Dano, and that is slowly becoming increasingly more difficult.  I can control me.  I can change me.  That's it.  And it's ok.  It's a good thing.  Now, the other part of that is ACCEPTING it.  I'm getting there.  REALLY slowly.  haha.  I accept that I can't change people, but it really is hard to accept that I still WANT to.  Ya know?  Dano's Dad for instance.  I can't change him and how he treats or acts with her.  I can make suggestions, but I can't "CHANGE" any of it.  I still WANT to tho.  Because I am her mother, and we are VERY close, much closer than they have been in years,  I WANT to change how he is.  Not to be mean, or ruin their relationship, but to help it.  Help him understand her, and make it easier maybe?  I mean, come on, she's 12.  And getting to "that" point that her hormones are going to make him inSANE.  He thought I was bad.  HA!  Buddy, you got another thing comin.  I can deal with her and her mood swings, even her FRIENDS (bestie, whatever they are called).  I am the "go to" Mom in answering her friends questions about "girl stuff".  It's all good.  I'm learning what I need to sugar coat, and what I don't.  I like it.  I don't talk to my own mother for reasons  besides that we just don't get along, but all my friends went to her.  Not for this stuff per se` but a lot of them called my mom "Mom".  I don't get that now, nor do I want it, but I AM "DanosMom" and have been since she started school.  I like that tho.  "DanosMom".. sounds pretty cool to me.  Anyway, today is a good day.  No negativity.  I can do my best to change Dano in positive ways, and help her to become a proper young lady... but that's about it.  And it's ok.  :)