EndGame..

This is it.  Tomorrow is the trial.  Many of you know the situation that Dano "The Kid" and I have been on our own for a while now.  Since June 2011 to be exact.  Her "Dad" finally went over the edge so to speak and long story short, was charged by the state for domestic violence after Dano had to call 911 on him and have him arrested.  This is not the first occurrence.  This was the 5th I believe.  There was another police report for a different time it happened, that time he tried to run me over AND slashed a tire.  Quite honestly, I know what it feels like to not be able to "let go" of someone (NOT HIM in my case).  Anyway the court took away his custody and adjusted his visitation to only day visits.  No overnights for the last year and a half.  She had ONE recently, as a trial.  Her bed hadn't been slept in, in well over a year, she said there were spider webs etc.  He "brushed off" the bed, and made her sleep there.  I have thought of a MULTITUDE of ways to handle myself at the trial tomorrow.  He has a lawyer.  An idiot one at that.  I am kind of hoping that he comes in, guns a blazing with a bunch of finger pointing and she did/said this/that blah blah.  I am not backing down nor conceding however, I am not going that route.  I have 100 pages of texts back/forth with him, stating A LOT.  He's threatened her.  He's bailed out on her for HIS COURT ORDERED weekends with her, to go to the river 2 times and to Las Vegas JUST THIS PAST WEEKEND!!  I am not going in with this date he did this, and so on and so forth.  I am going just speak from my heart, and lay it all on the line.  After 1 1/2 years, and ZERO resolutions, compromise (except on my end, I compromised way more than I should have) we can not agree to anything. So now the judge will decide what happens.  Not only that, but the judge for the last 1 1/2 years, was worthless, and tomorrow is the LAST court date with A NEW JUDGE.  WTH!?   Dano has told the court two times already, told HIM and the counselor that she does NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM.  She also wrote a letter to the court and sealed it in an envelope for me to give to the judge that states HER words.  I don't know what else I can do.  I don't have money to fork out for a lawyer.  They couldn't say or express my feelings as a mother anyway.  I'm scared.  I'm scared for Dano that she just might have to live with him part time again.   She cries every time she comes home.   He calls her a liar, belittles her... She finally told him yesterday "I can't take this anymore.. I don't want to be with you..."   As a parent, as hard as it may be, but if your child does not want to see you... WHY WOULD YOU FORCE THEM to continue to do that!??!  It would be the hardest thing for me to let her go, but I would do it.  For her.  I wouldn't force her to want to see me.   Granted, I personally, would need to be committed shortly thereafter, but  that's just me.  He's doing just fine with his new girlfriend and her daughter... I wish he would just move on.     Anyway, this is it.  Please pray for me, whatever few of you that read this.. I've given up any semblance of a life, to do whatever I can for Dano.  I don't go out, haven't seen a bar to "party" for years.. I don't go to the river.. (Man, I'd LOVE to get a way!)  I can't afford to do that stuff trying to feed and clothe a growing 12 year old..   Add to that some other personal issues, that have just compounded everything, I don't "deserve" a break per se, but a little Happiness for a while, would be nice.  

LIES... and kids.

LIES.  I hate them.  Despise them.  Probably because I was so good at it long LONG ago, then it all blew up in my face.  Live and learn.  Now, I just will not lie. Period.  If you don't like what I have to say, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.  I don't have to REMEMBER what I said, or to whom, because what I say is the truth regardless who hears it.  If you want to know something and expect HONESTY, then by all means, ask me.  I am not all THAT stupid and I realize kids lie.  But when you are MY kid, and You KNOW that I can't stand lies, WHY ON EARTH would you keep trying to do it.  WHITE LIES ARE STILL LIES.  Ok, yes, I am sure I've told a few white lies, perchance to spare someones feelings or something.  Dano can't seem to get the truth out no matter what because "Either way, I'm gonna be in trouble".  See.. No.  Not true.  If I ask you to do something, and you don't "get around to doing it", not a real biggie.. sure I might make some kind of grunting noise or whatever, but it is what it is..  Now, when you talk to me on the phone, and tell me flat out "Yup I did it", and then I come home and I know you blatantly LIED to me.. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN!?!?  Now, you are grounded.. No bike, scooter, skateboard.  No Tv, no tablet, no phone, no computer.  Nothing.  Nada.  No you can't play with your friends.   You get to sit in your room AGAIN either going thru all your clothes, socks whatever to see what doesn't fit, etc.. and think about your behaviour.  Seriously.  This is ridiculous   She has to be bored at this point sitting in her room staring at the walls.   I don't even know WHAT to do anymore.  Like, I went so far as to pretty much threaten her, that when I go to trial in 2 weeks, I'll just tell the court to go back to 50/50 custody and she can stay with him again... of course she flipped out, and said no (well cried "no) etc.. so, I'm at my wits end.   12 years old sucks.  No, I don't remember this age.. Hell I don't remember much of ANYTHING really growing up.  I see pictures, and have zero recollection of being there.  Anyway... HELP!

No change in 5 years..

It's interesting reading back on this blog.  It's been around for 5 years now.  I think it's probably the longest I have been "committed" to something other than my kid or my dogs.  LOL   Anyway, I came across this post, I think it was my 2nd post on this blog.  It's weird when you stop and think about how much life changes over the years, but when you REALLY think about it, does anything really change?  This is years ago... but still fits me today.. to the T.

Happy Friday y'all.. 

Monday, July 9, 2007

Sleep..

Trying to fall asleep at night is a pretty difficult feat for me.. once asleep, it's ok.. but it's the process of shutting down my brain in order to be relaxed enough to fall asleep that is so difficult. So last night, I was trying to slow down my thoughts and of course I started thinking again.. Trying to picture just black darkness, but somehow thoughts and images seem to creep back in, polluting my head to where it is spinning yet again. It seems days are filled with immediate thoughts and actions, where night time is where my head decides it's time to start thinking of the most mundane things that apparently I was too busy to think about during the day.
I can't imagine this is insomnia, and I can't take anything at night time for fear I will be completely worthless in the morning, or I won't wake up enough if something were wrong with my daughter. 
So I continue to lay here, with thoughts dancing in my head, and worries and frets about the coming days' activities.. Sweet Dreams or nightmares? 

How do you know who it is that you are meant for? How do you know what is supposed to happen in your life? How do you know when everything falls into place? How do you know why things happen "for a reason"? How do you know where all of this will happen? You don't get to know. It just is. So now I will try to go back to sleep and stop worrying about all of this.. because it just is.

Surreal. Convoluted. Empty
A plethora of emotions
haunting at the same time..

A sea of smoke
fills the room
and burns my eyes..

Daring tears to fall
my eyes close
until sleep finally takes over.....

Le Jardin..

Wanted to update on my garden.  It's a jungle.   In the tangled mess of the watermelon, pumpkin and cantaloupe... there are 3 watermelons still growing.. After opening that last one, I figured I'll wait a few more weeks to try this other HUGE one..   There is ONE (1) SINGLE pumpkin.  FFS, ONE!!? Anyway, I did find two hidden cantaloupes TRYING to grow.. not sure if they will make it or not.  I ripped out the squash plants.. they get ugly after awhile. HAHA  Planted some cucumbers.  I love cucumbers.  How does one spell kewks is how it sounds to me, short for cucumbers?? cucs? hhmmmm 
Anyway, those will start producing in a couple weeks.  The Zucchini plants are doing great.. I picked the first fruit/veggie last night and probably too late, because it was HUGE.. it was a good foot long.. :(  we'll see..  
The tomatillos are starting to grow. I had no idea HOW they grew, but as you can see below, they produce the "skin" pod thingy first, which is hollow, and then the tomatillo grows "into" that.  Kinda cool.  :)   My Grape Vine!! It looks like it's flexing muscles!!  I LOVE how it grew!! haha  hhmmm OH! going to plant some PURPLE tomatillo!!  How fun would that be to have purple salsa!? 
Still waiting on some "real" corn to show up to try, not too much longer.  You can see a watermelon behind the red chili bush/tree thingy...  There are a couple jalapenos FINALLY growing on the stupid plant that kept trying to commit suicide on me...  Anyhoo... here are some pics for you to laugh at.  
(｡◕‿◕｡)


BEHOLD LE JARDIN JUNGLE!  

Empty tomatillo shells

Some green Roma Tomatoes

A singular watermelon

The ONLY pumpkin out of the whole damn mess!

FINALLY a tiny bunch of broccoli is showing up..  ggrrrr

This looks like a STRONG vine.. you know, flexing.. meh. whatever.

Oh the sneaky watermelon I found growing behind the peppers.. 

Jalapenos I saved from suicide..  there are like 5 growing.. :D

Cucumbers!!!  Can't wait! 

This is THE MESS.  I can't wait to rip it all out.  NO MORE MELONS of any type.

Y'all are liars...

You know, I had seriously really wanted to believe you guys that I am doing things re: Dano "Right".  SHE just had to prove y'all wrong I guess.  I swear.  I am madder than a wet hen right now.  I am really trying to do everything the best that I can alone.  I CAN'T DO IT.  She's supposed to get ALL of her homework done when she is at "his" house.  Seems he can't be bothered with checking her homework to make SURE SHE DOES IT.  She's 12 FFS!! Of course she's gonna try to get out of it.  She did it last night.  I told her "Get ALL OF YOUR WORK DONE" when she got out of my car.  When I picked her up "Did you finish ALL OF YOUR WORK?"  "Yup"  Wrong.  I even got her an AGENDA to put in there ALL of her assignments.  Now, it is HIS job to be a parent and check to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to.  WHY WOULD I EXPECT THAT?!?!  He doesn't even "know" her anymore.  I shit you not.  Doesn't ask about school, friends, BOYS, NOTHING.  So, why expect he would check on her school work.  And therein lies my problem.  I screwed up because I didn't do it either.   I left it to him to do HIS JOB.  
So, this morning, she calls me (She calls me at LEAST 8 times every morning...) and she's crying.  At first I think it's because I went to wake her up to get up and shower, and she pitched THE biggest fit... so I just left.  Thought she was apologizing for that.  Nope.  She didn't do her homework.  OH MY GOSH Can you believe it!?  GASP!  Quelle Horreur!  I was pretty much beside myself.  BUT, in the larger scheme of things.. it is MY FAULT.  
I hate that, I hate admitting that, and saying it in my head.   But, it is.  So... Now, I am back to spending MY afternoons doing 7th grade pre algebra and talking about Atilla the Hun (Which I told Dano was very similar to my mother) and whatever other crap I don't care to remember about middle school.   That's not fair.  I am adult damn it.  I don't WANT to do school work, but to make sure that SHE succeeds, and does far better than I did in life, I guess I'll just drink my beers sitting on the floor in the office, listening to whatever is on the agenda starting today.   Yuk. 

Am I doin' it right??

It finally came to a head last night.  As far as I am concerned little white lies are the same as any other lie.  I don't care what anyone says, it is HARD to be a single full time parent.  Period.  I have to be Mom and in some cases Dad too.  It's frustrating, and quite honestly not fun.  So yesterday, I asked Dano to put the dishes in the dishwasher away and put the dirty dishes in, feed the dogs and get herself ready for school.  NOTHING happened, besides getting to school.  I asked her if the stuff was done at that time, and the response was "Almost".  I know what ALMOST means.  Not even close, haven't touched it, what was I supposed to do again?   I let it go.  We got home yesterday, and I saw the dishes, and we were putting away a few groceries.  Dano was going on and on about the back to school dance that is tonight.  Long story short, told Dano 2 more times to get the dishes done.  Didn't happen until about 7:30 last night, after I finally YELLED at her to get off her butt and do it NOW.  I lost it.  I told her she was a liar (technically she is) and that she KNOWS everything I've had to go thru with Donor and court for the last year, OVER a year, and this is how she is treating me.  I have to tell her 5,6 or 7 times to do something that should take ONE time go make her get up and DO IT.  I'm tired.  I can't be the good guy (Mom) AND the bad guy at the same time.  It's impossible.  Last night I turned into "Dad".. and very similar to her actual one.  She cried, a LOT.  Hysterically even.  After all I said to her, I didn't even FEEL BAD about it!  I knew I was right and I was just FED UP to here with all the bullshit.  She's 12 FFS!!!  Anyway, she kept saying I'm sorry.. I said for what? You aren't SORRY, you are upset you got caught LYING to me...  she said No, I'm sorry for disappointing you.   Ok WOW.  That's the worst feeling for ME personally, disappointing someone.  I hate feeling that I let someone down.  For whatever reason, it just crushes me.  Apparently that rubbed off on her.. Thank GOD.  I am not one to hold grudges WITH HER only.  Everyone else, no problem.  I can't do that to Dano.  She stopped crying and we talked more.  I apologized for yelling at her, but I said I wasn't sorry for calling her out.  She told me to not be sorry that it was her fault, and she was wrong, and she has to make things right with me.   And the dance.. I asked WHY I should let her go... (she was soo excited to go) and she told me "You shouldn't.  I don't deserve to go"..  I said you can tell all your friends how mad at me you are that I'm not going to let you go.  She was shocked but she said, "No, I'll tell them I lied to you and I can't go".   We'll see how that goes.   It is really hard to raise a kid, by yourself.  Literally, no family, no grandparents to help, no aunts or uncles to do anything... it's just "US"..  I really hope I am "doin it right"...  

Times change..

I am not even sure where to begin today.  Yesterday I buried my dear Friend Laurie.  She was 41 years young.  She was my big buddy in High School.  We shared a few classes together with the same teacher, Mr. Hufferd aka "Huff".  He was there at the services.  After it was over, the girls (Tiffany, Brittany & Shannon) and I took Huff to lunch. We had a lovely time.  I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Huff who will be turning 80 about the same time I will be turning 40 next year.  I was really disappointed by the lack of "friends" from HS to show up for the services.  I know everyone is different and they all "have lives" to live etc.. but I can't wrap my head around, what is SOOO important in your great life, that you couldn't take a few hours out of your day to say good bye to a friend.  Granted, there have been 1 maybe 2 funerals I did not attend because I would have been a broken down blubbering mess and ruined everything.  But I just can't see that what 30-40 people would have done the same at one funeral?  Anyway, that has been weighing heavily on my mind today.  I have no family, so to spend time with Huff listening to stories gave me a sense of "family" again and that was very comforting to me.  I miss Laurie.  She was at my house last for a gathering of friends before I moved.  Those happen now and again, but it won't be the same without her.  I think I'll have to do another one anyway, around Christmas time, and host friends that ARE still around.. My brain is having a hard time adjusting and many thoughts flying around.  Dano saw Lauries picture on the funeral card, and exclaimed "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IT WAS HER!?"  I didn't think Dano remembered her, she only saw her a handful of times, and it wasn't like Dano was really interested or so I thought.  She was upset at me for not letting her go with me, but I had to be Mom and made her attend school.  It's just how it is.  I miss Laurie's smile, and laughter, and her ability to make you smile even if you are in a crying fit.  Her sarcasm taught me so well, and that will be missed terribly.  I am really not sure where to go with this, I think I just needed to write it down so I didn't keep dwelling..  I can't wait to meet up with her again some day.  

One of Laurie's Favorite sayings... :) 

My out of CONTROL garden..

I was kinda laughing last night, taking pictures of my garden... I've taken about 12 squash off there already and theres still a ton more... the corn is really starting to thrive, as are the peas.. FINALLY!  I literally just planted the zucchini on saturday and the pic below show how big they are after just 4 days!!  They were SEEDS!  The tomatos are doing well, so is the broccoli.  Dano's "gourds" (I still have no idea why she wanted these) are doing well also.  Now. I am fairly certain that I planted the watermelon, cantaloupe and the um.. oh pumpkin WAAAY too close together, as they have created their own intermingled bed of leaves.  It's been 16 days since the last post of pics of the garden.  It is out of control now.  For reals.  In the huge mess of the melons/pumpkin, I found last night ONE single watermelon growing on a limb that has grown OUT of the garden onto the concrete.  ONE. That's it.  In the whole jungle, one.  WTH!?!?!  Oh, and also, the pumpkin.  I really didn't think it would live.  The roots are in the ground and look pretty homely.  The vines have grown to the far left, and there, on that ONE vine, is ONE pumpkin.  Again, ONE.  Shit better start producing stat!  Now, when I get home today, seeing as the weather has dropped a whopping 10 degrees in the last day or so (THANK GOODNESS) I will get into the garden and check out the cantaloupe.  Haven't seen squat from that sucker, but a TON of pretty yellow flowers.  My grape vine LIVED!  I am soooo happy about that.  Haven't planted it in the ground yet, wasn't sure what it was going to do, so I need to do that pretty quick...  Anyway, without further ado... *Le Garden*

Just stuff..

So Dano was supposed to go with the donor to "the river" this past weekend. Long story short, she decided she did not want to go, rather get the rest of her "school stuff" together and relax before school starts this Wednesday.  Many of you know, they don't really get along.  Not surprising, I mean, I DIVORCED him for a reasons..  He was VERY upset with her, and threatened to tell her "friends" (his friends kids that he states she has already pushed away) to NOT invite her anywhere because she didn't go with him.   VERY adult of him no?  He also told her he is "SELLING HER STUFF".. no more bedroom for her to have.  She hasn't stayed over night for over a year, but this makes me think he has no plans to change that now.  :(  Had to rush around Friday and left work early to take her to the Dr to get a TB test so she CAN start school this week.. (Crazy day).. so He has to run her by the dr today before 5pm to get the result and papers to give to school.  WHAT a mess.. talk about pissy.. "Why do I have to do this on MY day!?  Why can't YOU do it!!?"  Um, hi, you are her DAD, it's part of YOUR job as a parent!  Ugh..  Back to my point.  
She stayed home with me.  (I was happy haha)  We spent saturday relaxing, for reals, and smoked porky pigs butt again.. OH MY GOSH DELICIOUS!!  Dano had the brilliant idea to use some of the roasted salsa I made last weekend on her bbq pulled pork samiches... WOW.. amazing flavors..  Then I took one of mine, and added .... Dill relish.  HOLY BAT CRAP it was amazing too! LOL  (I get the little dinner rolls and make small samiches with that... more fun and messy!)  Kira (next door neighbor BFF) and Dano and now the gal that JUST moved into the culdesac as well, Lauren were all running amock Saturday night..  You KNOW you are old when you HAVE to stay up late on a weekend night just to not worry about your kids... ;)  LOL  They had a great time..  VERY relaxing for her.  
Sunday am, we went to Wallyworld to get groceries.. and school supplies.. OH MY GAWD was that a hoot!  There was a poor dad there ALONE shopping based off of his 4th grade daughters hand writing... I could stop here.. but, no.. Dano walked with him helping him shop while I got her stuff..  School (7th grade) did not provide ANY type of list for supplies, so I just googled 7th grade supplies, and went off that.. Hopefully we are close. ;)   The guy was very grateful to Dano, and kinda hung with us in the supplies area still shopping, and I believe listening to Dano and myself..  I will embarrass her ANY chance I get, and she knows it..  She wanted something, and I grabbed the ELMO pencil box and Spiderman notebook and said if you use these, and NOT HIDE them, then you can have that.. they guy was cracking up.. He said to her, "You have a very cool Mom, be proud of her"..  um, ok.. thank you. HAHA   Then I was explaining to Dano about "Back in my day, things were different".. Dano tried to argue with me, and a teenage girl (closer to 20) said to Dano "Never question your Mom, she is ALWAYS right no matter what you think.. TRUST ME".  HA!  See!?!? Random strangers know I am right!  hahhahhahahaha  That cracked me up..  
So we go to leave, and the gal at the door checking receipts is looking at mine, and I glanced at her name tag.....   ~DANO~ is what it said!  I showed Dano, and the two were chatting as I went to load the car.. her name is Danielle too, and has ALWAYS gone by Dano..  Now, MY Dano has decided, "I am going to just stay Dano, Mom.. not Dani, and NOT Danielle.. It'll be cool, and different"..   that's my girl. 
After we got home from there, did some more gardening, and then I took all three girls to 'the river'.  Figured I'd look it up, it's just the Santa Ana River that flows down from Big Bear..  it's not deep right now, but man, when it floods..  The girls had more fun than anything I've seen in a long time..  we saw a FOX crossing the river.. really pretty animal.  Not afraid or anything, just played in the water and left.  The girls caught "guppies" and in their attempt to put them into water bottles to bring back to MY house (because their folks would flush them), they jumped OUT of their hands into their bathingsuit tops etc..  LOTS of screaming.. and laughing on my part.. haha  They had Mud throwing fights, wrestling matches, and chased each other up / down the river.   That spot is my new heaven.  The breeze is beautiful, it's like 15 degrees cooler than home (which is 5 minutes away) and just peaceful.   Asshole people left dirty diapers and trash, so I told the girls we are bringing a big trashbag next trip to clean it up since it's like "our spot" now..  They are happy to do it.   Oh, and the "next trip" is Wednesday.. after the first day of school.. They figure they will be so stressed they need to "unwind" for a couple hours..  Guess we'll be going back very soon.  THIS, is MY river... :) 

After the river, we had a nerf gun war... Of course I lost.. ;)  Anyway, we had a FABULOUS relaxing weekend.. She's less stressed out about school, she's ready to go for that..  Now if she would just relax seeing "him" today.  I feel bad for her... Why are people the way they are... 

My dogs... and my garden..

I've been inspired to share a post about my dogs and my garden.. by my friend Nikki Crome..  She has her dogs on a diet to feed them the same healthy foods she likes to eat..  As much as I love my dogs, I never thought about this..  I mean, I've fed them stuff from my garden, but always more as a treat I think.  Included in this post are pictures from my garden.  Started it the second week of July and it's growing beautifully..  Inside my little haven are, Roma Tomatoes, Tomatillos, (a TON) of Broccoli, Watermelon, Cantaloupe, Pumpkin (won't be ready for Halloween tho I don't think  BOO!) Jalapeno, Serrano chile's and habanero as well.  Then there is some Gourds (Dano REALLY wanted to grow them, no idea why) and squash, which are already sprouting about 20 of them!  Then there is a BUNCH of corn, and lastly peas.  (Seems like so much more when I look at it haha)  OH! Forgot the Avocado tree, and my grape vine.. :) The corn.. that didn't take off too well.  The ones that were already growing, only one really "took".  Planted a bunch of seeds, and holy crap within 5 days, they are all sprouting, and now they are a few inches tall already!  I still want to plant Blackberry vines but those won't produce anything for a couple years.  It's relaxing to be out there during the summertime, but damn it's HOT.. Gotta wait til the shade kicks in to get in there..  I think I will head back to the farmer's market and get some more veggies, and eggs, and slowly wean my furry kids off "dog food" and see how that works..  Raw meat with bones... THAT I will continue to research today as well.  I knew about the cooked bones, they can't have, but raw makes a bunch more sense!!  Anyway, thank you +Nikki Crome  here are some pics of my garden. :) 
Peace! 

All moved in... Sorta..

So Dano and I are finally moved in for the most part..  I still have some boxes of shit in the garage, I really need to go thru and just donate to clean up some space.  I LOVE the new house.  A lot. :)  It's too big, but I don't care. Dano is OVER THE MOON.  She has a new BFF next door, named Kira (pronounced like Keira as in Knightly) and they are inseparable. She got two puppies (well, 9 months old or so)  Black mouth Cur is the breed... ADORABLE!! Love them.  Well, I love all dogs... (bigger than a terrier tho, I can't stand yippy dogs... )  They are howling at night because they are new to the house.. Well, let me back up a second.. Lilah, my BABY great dane / pit mix is a SCAREDY CAT!  4th of July, she FLIPPED out during fireworks.. she'd never seen them so they scared the shit outta her :(  Well, last night (a week after the holiday) I tried taking Lilah out front again.  NOPE. Dragged my ass back to the front door.. Poor thing, I'll keep trying.  The kids lit off LOUD ass fireworks last night.. FREAKED my baby out, AGAIN.  She ran FLED into the house, THROUGH the screen door, upstairs to MY room, into my closet.  I HATE that she is so afraid... long story short, I worked with her a while, and got her back outside.  Then the two puppies next door started howling.  It sounded soo funny to me, but poor Lilah, has her head cocked to the side, and her ears back (looks like she's in a wind tunnel)... and starts howling at them.  I gave up and took her with me to take a bath and relax... I bathed, she laid in the closet watching me.  
Hhhmmm that got a little off topic!  LOL  Back to Dano.. so she decided last night, she wants to stay home and hang out with the kids today.  I'm all for that, but her dad doesn't think she's old enough to be home alone.  Well, technically it's not home alone.. it's hanging out with friends in the neighborhood... and their Moms are home.  (I'm jealous... I want to be home too!)  As y'all know, Dano tells me everything... So last night she tells me, Mom, the girls want to try to sneak into the movies tomorrow.  Ok, have fun.  I don't have a problem with her doing that, but explained what happens when they get caught, and that it won't turn out well, and that she should try to talk to the girls today before attempting this, to try to sway them.  I don't know if it'll work but she said she'd call me.   What I wouldn't give to be her age again, and have close friends... (I didn't have any, long boring story... ) 
I hope she has fun, learns from her mistakes, and ALWAYS ALWAYS feels that she can tell me anything.. That is my biggest fear, that she will stop... and that I won't know her anymore.. She's growing up sooo fast.  Anyway... Happy Monday :) 

Today...

is the day.  Moving day ~ ish.  haha  I've been packing for 2 weeks, and shit canning a bunch of stuff.  Did the yard sale thing, which reminded me WHY I don't do yard sales... helped my friends move (quid pro quo, he's helping me tonight since I have NO ONE ELSE TO HELP ME).. got a concussion, cleaned, and still not ready to go!  HAHAHAHA
Back to the concussion.. so we got all kinds of shit moved in at their new apartment, and the last thing I was doing was separating the entertainment center more to accommodate their big ass television.  Didn't know the "top piece" wasn't attached and it came crashing down on my head.  Oh, and the force of that smashed the OTHER side of my head on the other part of the unit.  Woo... that was fun.  So I got the proverbial headache, and couldn't sleep that night.. Next day I was a useless wreck.  I shit you not, I was on the couch, and could NOT be bothered to watch NASCAR, OR drink beer.  Ya something was wrong.  Vomiting ensued, pressure in my head, couldn't sleep... So long story short, took myself to the ER Monday, AFTER I went to the bank to get 3 more cashiers checks to give to the Realtor in order to get the keys to the new house.  I give them to her, and she says "Oh, the homeowner is at the house, he has the keys and garage door opener, you need to go there now."  Great, just what I need.. pull over by the cows and vomit on my way to meet him.  Good Times!
Got my stuff, quick introductions, and "hey, this.. this and this is broken, need it fixed asap"..  and I'm off to the ER.  After x-rays and a CT scan, there was no bleed, just a bit of swelling. Dr said to "REST, the remainder of the week"  I told him I had to work, and pack and move etc... He said "Fine, wear a helmet then."  UGH.  So I took Tuesday off too.  Dano and I made quite a few trips to the new house, unloading kitchen stuff, and a TON of clothes.  Last night, I finished up the kitchen for the most part, and cleaned the stove, oven, microwave, counter tops and back splash crap.  
This brings me to, today.  Moving day.  Not even CLOSE to ready.  haha
I pulled the couch apart yesterday to vacuum it.  ERMAHGERD my dogs shed WAAAAY worse than me.  I bought a "Sticky buddy"... piece of shit. Don't waste your money.  Now I gotta but a couple of those lint rollers at the Dollar tree.. 
There are people currently at the new place shampooing carpets and stretching them. (Nice big ass lump down the middle.. ugly)  Sooooo My buddy Eric is bringing a 16' trailer so we can get all the big stuff (Washer/Dryer/Fridge/couches/beds/desks/tables yadda yadda) to the new house just to leave it in the GARAGE.  hhmmm  Then after work, tomorrow, go back to the old house to get the rest of the trivial shit, and CLEAN some more.  Oh, and paint.  Since Lilah liked ONE damn spot to lay, she dirtied ONE spot on the wall.  One of the 7 (SEVEN) colors of the interior of the house, and the ONLY touch up can of paint that was DRIED to a solid.  Valspar is OVERPRICED and charged me like $17 for a damn QUART of damn paint.  (deep breath)  So tonight I guess I'm sleeping in the garage of the new house.  Or at the old house, with NOTHING goin on, and sleeping on the floor.  Decisions Decisions. 

Update:  I forgot I got new Lavender "Bath salts" for my new tub... guess I'm staying at the new place tonight... ;) 

Changes.. Again..

Life is constantly changing.. we all know that.  Mine seem to seriously ebb and flow way more often than it should.  It's like some things I know I can count on to be the same every day, and others seriously throw me for a loop. Anyway, Me and Dano are moving June 30th.  Just easier, and I will have the comfort of knowing she won't have to change schools etc.. Was planning on having a yard sale this weekend. THAT got canned because Dano has an audition for a photoshoot for a new boutique in LA. CROSSING MY FINGERS and praying to everything that she gets it.  First paying gig at 12 years old!  LOL  Shitty thing is that the shoot, if she gets it, IS THE WEEKEND WE MOVE!!  It's 6-8 hours per day sat and sun.  I can't be in two places at the same time.. :(  Not sure how I am going to pull this one off.  I LOVE LOVE LOOOOOOOVE the new house.  It's beautiful!  A bathub FOR ME! Not a jacuzzi one, but still, it's MINE.  Candles, music and a nice glass of... who am I kidding.. a nice can of beer!  Little things people.. little things. ;)  I have a HUGE walk in closet that I could have a party in.  I shit you not.  And the LOFT.. Wow. You could put a wall up between them and have to huge bedrooms!  
Dano graduates from 6th grade this Thursday.  Wow. Weird how some things seem like yesterday, and others.... not so much.  I can't believe it.  She's already as tall as me, and her sleds (feet) are bigger than mine.  She's on track to be 5'10".  WOW.  I'm short compared to that.  BUT, I will still kick her little butt, I don't care how tall she gets.  I think I posted a while back that my 50" Mitsubishi took a shit.  It turned itself off, and won't turn back on.  It "clicks" like it wants to, but nothin.  I am fairly certain it's the power supply.  Got a guy comin today to fix it.  Dano's 42" tv in her room took a shit.  THIS ISN'T GOOD.. I'm moving and everything is dying on me!  Getting rid of her TV because it'll cost me like $400 to fix that one.. not worth it, I'll just get another one.  Wait. No.  The big ass mitsubishi will go in the LOFT where all her gaming stuff is.. she don't need a tv in her room.  There.  Problem solved.  Too bad all my other decisions/problems aren't that easy. 

People are assholes..

Plain and simple.  I am NOT a mean person. I can hold a grudge. I can cut you off without a second thought if I feel you are not a positive person to have in my life.  I don't hurt people on purpose. Some ASSHOLE got a hold of my ATM debit card and information.  Now, I'm PISSED.
Now, my card is still in my possession.  It's such a shitting feeling knowing that someone STOLE from me and my family.  Money I earned making a decent living.  GGGRRRRR What I think happened is that I read about asshole people putting these reader things on the swiper thingy at say a gas station pump.  When you put your card in, they are able to gather all the information from your card, and can then RE MAKE another card.  I see this shit on CSI and Criminal Minds etc, but NEVER did I think I would fall prey to that shit.  Yes, I use the outside gas pump thingy.  And I usually only go to 2 different gas stations.  A couple days ago I went to a Chevron over on Grand.  I never go there.  I am deducing that, that is where it happened.  Ironically a Sheriffs car was behind me and we chatted up about crime etc..  THAT sucks looking back now. :(  I guess after talking to the bank, they do it to those stand alone ATMs inside quik marts and the like.  I "rarely" use one of those, but now I will NEVER use that again.  I will take the extra time to go INSIDE to a filling station and pay inside.  No more of this "Pay at the pump" shit, because eventually you'll pay out your nose, like I just did.  NOW, I have to wait days for a new card, call the people that do "automatic" payments to change all that, just a nuisance.  I am blessed and very lucky that they didn't drain my account.  I was just telling Dano the importance of having a savings account for "emergencies".  This morning she said to me "I understand now why you always want to hoard money in the savings account"..  hoard.. shut it kid.  LOL  It is a valuable lesson in more ways than one.  Makes sense they went to Michael's and spent almost $300... but WHO ON EARTH spends almost $80 at Taqueria El Rey!?!?!? PIGGY!  Anyway, I was cranky last night, but happy that it could have been much worse.  I will be much more careful about HOW I use my card, my money etc.  I'm glad I put it on speaker so Dano could listen to it all.  She was very worried that we were "in trouble" with no money etc.. she learned from this as well.  People watch how/where you spend your money.. Some jackhole asshat is standing by waiting to take from you, what they refuse to work for.  A decent living, paycheck and peace of mind that they are making a positive difference in the world.  Shithead.  This was how I looked last night dealing with the bank etc...   Happy damn Thursday.. 

Things happen...

For a reason. :)  So y'all know I REALLY wanted to move to that house in Eastvale..  They chose to rent to someone else.  I was seriously bummed when I found out.  But I am learning more and more that things REALLY DO happen for a reason.  I don't have to KNOW the reason, or even like it, but they happen.  Turns out, I don't have to move... yet.  Looks like the landlord got the financial mess cleaned up and therefore I get another summer with my pool.  I should say my dogs pool.  Its NOT heated but the dogs will go swimming ANY chance they get... so will Dano actually.  HAHA  It's another "good day"... it's kinda nice having more of these days than shitty ones.  I hate shitty days.  Tonight I decided to start back doing pilates, and trying to work out again.  I hit a plateau on my weight loss, and I noticed that my butt is trying to touch the ground... Gravity sucks.  (Don't ask... that bird just made me smile!!  LOL)

So Proud..

I am so proud of my Dano.  This past weekend, she went to volunteer at a homeless shelter, cleaning and painting it.  She worked REALLY hard, and told me all about what she thought about it afterwards.  I can't say it humbled her really, but she did talk a lot about homeless people and soup kitchens and her thoughts about life in general.  They were her private thoughts so I won't share them, but I am REALLY VERY VERY proud of her, and I hope this is something that sticks with her for a long time.  XOXOXO for my Dano.

Am I where I should be??

I've been constantly asking myself lately, if this is where I am supposed to be in life.  I mean, I'm 39, and a single Mom.  I've taken care of myself since I was 16 years old.  I did the married thing for a few years, and realized it wasn't for me. (or I picked the wrong guy, or I am just a bitch, or whatever).  Anyway, since turning 39 a couple weeks ago, and taking a good look around me, I found I'm a little bit lost.  On the one hand I feel like "Oh my gosh, I'm 39 years old and what do I have to show for my life except where I am RIGHT this minute." I feel like I screwed up so many things and maybe I'm starting over for the 3rd time?  Like another "mid life crisis"...  now, on the OTHER hand... I feel like I'm old. I'm done. No one is going to want to date an old hag like me with a full time kid to boot.  I'm damaged goods.  And even tho that may be, WHY AM I OK WITH THAT!?!?  I like being alone.  No one to have to do anything for (besides Dano).  I can do what I want (which isn't a whole hell of a lot since I have Dano.. NO COMPLAINTS here btw).  And then I think, but I don't have anyone to share ME with...  And this is where I decided I'm lost.  I don't know where I should be.  Or what I should be doing.  I have a job, Dano and I are healthy, my business is doing pretty good (even tho I want to quit my day job and do my business full time)..  Whose to say where MY life should be?? Am I behind in achievements or something?  Should I try sky diving again?  Learn scuba diving?  WHAT AM I MISSING!?!?!?   Usually writing this stuff gives me a little clarity...  no such luck this time... 

Could it be?? Am I growing up!?

Something strange is goin on lately.. I'm "HAPPY".  Like for consecutive days.  I am staying AHEAD of the game for once.  haha  I smile for NO reason.  Which by the way has been buttloads of fun lately.  I was thinking, when I was growing up, I was in GATE and skipped grades blah blah.  I went to the schools that were local to where I lived.  I did get into a technology program at a high school outside my city which I subsequently BLEW it and was kicked out of the school..   Anyway, that's not my point.  Now that I am being "forced" to move which I see as a blessing in disguise, I am researching the schools local to the city I want to move to, to check it out, see what it's like, read comments from other parents etc.  Can it be that I am growing up!? I am looking to move, but I have to make sure that the schools (Jr High, and High School) that Dano will be attending are "Distinguished" schools, or rank pretty high up there.  I am actually basing, for the first time in my life, where I am going to move to strictly based on Dano.  Not any of my selfish wishes. Don't get me wrong, I do almost EVERYTHING for Dano, school projects, all the crap she wants etc..  It IS really, just LUCK that all the retail places I like, and the drive thru $tarbuck$, and the market and all that just "happen" to be walking distance, just like the schools... ;) Yay for me.  I know I'm a parent, and that I just turned 39 but THIS specific event in my life I don't feel like a 20 something like usual.  I actually feel kind of "responsible" I think.  Can't do TOO much of that, I'll start acting "old", but this is pretty cool.  I think we're going to go this weekend to the swap meet and get her the "beach cruiser" she really wants to ride to school.  It is like 1.3 miles, so she has to have a cool bike.  She wants purple.  I said sure, with a bike "bling bling" bell on it, and a basket with big purple flames, and flames on the bike frame, and some other cool stuff..  Right?  LOL

So happy I could spit..

I spend so much time trying to be optimistic for others.  Cheer everyone else up.. "It's going to be ok"  "Trust me, It will all work out"  "Tomorrow is another day" etc blah blah..  Rather than go on about more drivel, I'll get right to it.  I just learned that my landlord at the house I am currently renting for the last 2 1/2 years, decided to let the house go into foreclosure.  BUZZKILL!  Love my house.  Well, THE house.  Rather than typically freaking out and wondering "What's going to happen to me!?!?".. I went another route altogether.  It's funny.. when I realized that eventually I will have to move, I started picking the house apart.  "Those cracks in the concrete will cost a fortune to fix.  The coping is coming away from the pool wall, THAT will cost a grip of cash.  This 70's linoleum is just hideous".. you know, things like that.  haha  LOVE having a pool.  But the more I think about it, the cost of the water I had to put in the pool, the cost of electricity of running the pump every night etc...  I think I am ok with NOT having a pool.  What are friends for?!  haha  So, I changed my selfish thinking.  I need to move to a home that is ideally located close to the Jr High school and the High school so Dano can walk to school.  Saving money on the water and the electric, AND saving daycare costs... will allow me to move into a "nicer" home.  I think it's time for that.  Dano's "Dad" has made things very shitty to say the least.  Back to talking thru his lawyer.   Whatever. My point is, regardless of all this... It is a GOOD THING!  It's time for a change.  A new start.  If you follow my blog, you know I've made some changes in the past year, and this will be the icing on the cake.  I found a house last night on line, and contacted the "agent" to set up a time to see the house.  Turns out he's the homeowner, NOT the agent.  I like that a LOT.  It's almost impossible to deal with "leasing agents" or whatever, to try to get ANYTHING fixed in the house.  I'm a I'll fix it with your approval, and take it off the rent... repair and deduct kind of girl.   Anyway, I've bored you enough.  Life is throwing me a bunch of shit, but it's "OK"... I can handle it.  I always have.  Might post more later, after I see the house.  Me and Dano are gonna be just fine, and we BOTH can't stop smiling today... ;)    Happy Friday and Happy Easter. 

another year..

Another year has come and gone.  This is the last of my 30's.. Makes me a little sad.  Dano and I went to lunch yesterday (Yes, I kept her out of school.  It's good to play hooky once in a while no?) and had a really fun day together.  Amazing that, this child that I created, has such different tastes than I do!! HA!  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, which we both love, (THANK GOODNESS!) and she learned more on how to play poker with that table game thingy... I know, Mom of the year right?  haha  Anyway, after that she decided she wanted to get a DRESS for her Star award banquet this coming Friday.  Each year for state testing she's always scored almost the top of the class, last year was no exception.  She's getting another Gold Medal.  :)  I am very proud of her.  Now, back to the "taste" in clothing thing... hhmmm, where do I even start?  Things I picked out thinking, "kinda plain, simple, she's not really into dresses so these should be safe"... she turns around and picks out PROM dresses!  WTH!?!  Like with FLOWERS and lace and ruffles and "poofy" bottoms...  I. Don't. Get. It.  WHO is this kid?!  Long story short, WE decided on a black dress, thicker "lace" strap thingys which are a bit wider than the two finger width requirement, and a "shrug".  WHAT is that anyway?  Oh, Newsflash.  I don't WEAR dresses.  Or "shrugs", whatever they are.  She did look beautiful when she was trying them all on.  THAT was actually fun.  OH! WHAT 12 year old (barely) girl wears a 9 1/2 shoe!!? Good grief, I am having issues.. HAHA  Her feet are bigger than mine, her poor chest is bigger than mine EVER was at any age near 12 (I was a late bloomer, flat chested til almost 14) I can't stop smiling right now.  As frustrating as my 12 year old is, she is SUCH a blast.  I can honestly say I know I wasn't anything like her at 12.  I was more reserved, took care of my younger siblings, played "Mom" for years... so it's hard for me to figure out WHO this kid is that I am trying to raise.  Quite honestly, so far so good.  I may be right, or wrong, who knows, but she is my very best friend in the world.  I am her mother first, but man, when I don't have to be "Mom", we have such a great time together.  I am trying to cherish every minute of this, because I fear like all mothers do, that she'll hit the magical age where she will hate me.  She will stop telling me everything.  I will be the "enemy".  I can't bear that thought yet.  We've discussed that, we'll I've brought it up to her, and then she cries and tells me she will NEVER ever hate me, and that she wants to be with me forever..  I know, a 12 year old talking...  I just want life to slow down a little bit, and keep my little girl little, as long as I can....   Happy Birthday to me.  :)

This was the day before her 3rd Birthday at Disneyland 9 years ago... Just the two of us.. THAT was a great Birthday... :) 

It's all good..

I've finally given up.  Not in a bad way.  Just given up trying to control or change anything.  It seems I'm less stressed just letting things just "be".  I can't change anyone else, well besides Dano, and that is slowly becoming increasingly more difficult.  I can control me.  I can change me.  That's it.  And it's ok.  It's a good thing.  Now, the other part of that is ACCEPTING it.  I'm getting there.  REALLY slowly.  haha.  I accept that I can't change people, but it really is hard to accept that I still WANT to.  Ya know?  Dano's Dad for instance.  I can't change him and how he treats or acts with her.  I can make suggestions, but I can't "CHANGE" any of it.  I still WANT to tho.  Because I am her mother, and we are VERY close, much closer than they have been in years,  I WANT to change how he is.  Not to be mean, or ruin their relationship, but to help it.  Help him understand her, and make it easier maybe?  I mean, come on, she's 12.  And getting to "that" point that her hormones are going to make him inSANE.  He thought I was bad.  HA!  Buddy, you got another thing comin.  I can deal with her and her mood swings, even her FRIENDS (bestie, whatever they are called).  I am the "go to" Mom in answering her friends questions about "girl stuff".  It's all good.  I'm learning what I need to sugar coat, and what I don't.  I like it.  I don't talk to my own mother for reasons  besides that we just don't get along, but all my friends went to her.  Not for this stuff per se` but a lot of them called my mom "Mom".  I don't get that now, nor do I want it, but I AM "DanosMom" and have been since she started school.  I like that tho.  "DanosMom".. sounds pretty cool to me.  Anyway, today is a good day.  No negativity.  I can do my best to change Dano in positive ways, and help her to become a proper young lady... but that's about it.  And it's ok.  :)