A little help..

Hey y'all.  Right quick, my Navy brat is just that.  A Brat. So that what her name is in my phone now. She is graduating from "A school" next month and her rank will be Petty Officer 3rd Class. Proud of her.  Then she starts Power School, not sure how long that is, over a year I know that.. Then Prototype School I THINK that's on a ship or a sub, again, not sure... seems I don't have clearance for that Clarence.   Anyway, I've started a new blog, since I'm workin for myself now.  I'm hoping those of you that are following this one, might be kind enough to take a look over yonder at that one.. if you are so inclined to help a sista out.  You know, call it a Christmas present?  Here's the link:  www.theaffiliatemarketingchick.com and there's some photos of some offroading after thanksgiving and stuff..  

AND I'll leave you with a nice little recipe for Christmas..  Love to All!!!

(Mind you, I peed my pants a little, I was laughing so hard)

Christmas Whiskey Cake
1 cup butter2 cups sugar6 large eggs2 teaspoons baking powder3 cups flour, sifted1/2 t. salt1 cup bourbon1 pound pecans, chopped3 cups white raisins (or use candied fruit)1 t. nutmegAND~ a very LARGE bottle of bourbon whiskey ~
First, sample the whiskey to check for quality.Assemble all of the ingredients. Check the whiskey again.To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.Repeat this step.Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a largefluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and cream until beat.Make sure the whiskey is still okay... try another cup.Turn off the mixer. Beat six leggs and add to the bowl,Then chunk in the cup of dried flut. Mix on the tuner.Throw in two quarts of flour. Gradually pour in the cow.Add 2 dried anything.If the fried druit gets struck in the beaters, pry it loose witha drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check it again for tonsistency.Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares???Check the whiskey again.Now sift the nutmeg and strain your nuts. Add one table.And the spoon. Of whiskee. Or something. Whatever you find left.Grease the oven.Turn the crake pan to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.Pour the oven into the batter. Throw the bowl out the window.Lick the batter off the floor.Bake 300 minutes at 50 degrees.Finish the blobble of whishy and flow to bed.
Merry Holidays!

Life is good... ish...

Well.. Here we go again.  She didn't go to college. She didn't have a dorm room to set up.  She didn't leave home to go to school.  I on the other hand, left the damn near most expensive state in the country, (Cali) and started over.  I am very glad I did.  She came with me for less than 2 weeks to help me get situated. Then, she went to Hawaii to spend time with her Dad before College started.  She went paddle boarding, fishing, and hiking.. She had a blast. 
I unpacked, and got ready to start a new job. Sounds about normal.  ish. 
Then she said she wanted to leave Hawaii after 2 months, and come back "home".  I thought she meant MY home.  So I got her a ticket back to Cali, she was going to get her car and head to me.  Ya, that isn't the happy ending I was looking for.  She decided she isn't going to college.  Nope, it's not "my thing" she said. Full ride.  Paid for.  And she turned it down.  She stayed in California for almost a year, living with different friends from high school.  She worked to have her own money.. she was happy.  I thought.
THEN came the news.  I want to join the Air Force.  Ok, that's fine.  She could learn something during her time there. 1/2 way thru that process, she changed her mind to join the Navy instead. She went thru about 3 months of meetings, and all kinds of stuff.  She went to boot camp (in Illinois) on the day that would have been my mom's 65th birthday.  Long story short, she scored very high on the entrance test (ASVAB) that she is now in Nuke School.  It's better than nothing, and she's happy to have made her OWN decision.  Not what Grama wanted, not what Mom or Dad wanted, HER decision.  And she couldn't be happier.  It is tough she said, schooling.. but she wants to be in the belly of a submarine for her "job."  I'm still on the fence about that. 
I however, had the job I moved for.  Then, they ran out of work.  I got another job, and had more than one boss, and I could never finish anything because the other boss gave me more work.  That didn't work out. 
At All.   So, I quit and decided to start working for myself. 
I have a few companies that I'm working on, that I should start seeing dividends beginning of 2020.  I'm happy.   I get to spend time with my dad for 6 months of the year (when it snows 6 feet at his house he comes down here).
Life is good.  ish.

"If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavor."  -Eleanor Roosevelt

So many changes.... Again.

I don't even know where to begin.   Everything, literally EVERYTHING is changing.  She graduated.  High School.  She's leaving for college.  In another state.  Like gone. Away from me. I'm alone again.  I'm back to when I left my house when I was 17 years old, leaving my parents home for the first time, and I'm freaking out.  WHY am I freaking out??  Sure she is, as she should be, she's going to miss her friends, not me, her friends, as it should be of course, but why I am I freaking out?  Yes, I'll miss her. It's been the two of us for the last 15 years, I think growing up together, but this time it's different.  I left home with the world waiting for me. Ready to do some damage or so I thought. Here. I. Come. I was ready.  I've spent the last 18 years pretending to raise a child, and now she's going off to college, and I'm leaving Ca to move to another state because WHY do I need to stay here, there is no one here for me, she's gone, but I'm leaving, to start my life.  My. Life.  And I'm scared. To death.  What the entire hell is wrong with me? I am a grown ass woman for fks sake! I own GUNS, I can take care of myself and yet, I am scared?  Fearful?  Yes. I am. And I think it's normal and maybe even ok.  I've been alone raising her so it has to be normal for me to feel like this, some part of that "empty nest" bullshit or whatever.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO HAPPY for her, she NEEDS this to live her life, and I am happy to finally start my life again.  I already have a house, a job lined up making more money etc.. so it's all good, but living alone.  Again.  That has me a little spooked.  I have my trusty .9mm gun to keep in my room but I think once I move, I might need to pick up a couple more to keep in other places in the house to get a little more access to, "if" the need arises..  you never know living alone, you need to "feel safe"  ;)
I'm glad to finally be able to leave Ca and get out of this tax rich hell hole once and for all, and start a new life.. meet new people (somehow) and force myself to get out and do things.  That one will be tough for me to do, but I need to find a way to do it.  I really want to take a pottery class and a cooking class.. My kid seems to think I am going to die once she's gone since she likes to feed me, and I won't be able to fend for myself.. um hello??  Ever heard of Top Ramen??   HAHA kidding, that shit is nasty.  My mom used to make the best cheese on toast in the broiler, and that was just delish..  
Anyway, I can't wait to move, 2 more weeks.. I have a pool, so I am VERY happy, that'll help with my back, and my dog.. I can't wait to take her to the shelter to meet a new friend to bring home so she has a buddy.. THAT will be a feat in itself.  She hates the world accept me and "sissy" so we'll see how that goes. 
Having my current job (that I will temporarily retire from this week) actually "let me go" along with the entire California plant is such a blessing.  We get so stagnant in our lives, and I am THE WORST with change.  I'd be so content staying right where I am and not leave or move on for years.  But the takeover has forced me to do the opposite.  I HAVE TO LEAVE, along with everyone else. It's sad, bittersweet and a challenge and cleansing to say the least and it couldn't have come at a better time with her going off to college. It's funny how you think "Oh no, NOW what am I going to do, how am I going to get by" etc.. all these thoughts..  I couldn't sit around and do that. I am ONE income.  I had to just DO something, so I literally picked a state, I made plans, but, those plans changed, I picked another state, found a house, put down my deposit, set up all the utilities to be turned on, and started the ball rolling.  Sent out my resume, and within a week, was offered a job. After a couple weeks, that job fell thru, they needed someone sooner.  So I paid to have my resume professionally redone (waste of money, turns out) only to have the original job call me back to offer me the job AGAIN and send me a contract which is now signed, and ready for me to start work.  I know that everything works out somehow, I ALWAYS tell her that, which she doesn't believe until she sees it happen.  I don't always believe it either, I usually have to see it too, to reinforce that I believe it myself.  But I do know, it happens for a reason, even if it's not a good reason.   This time, it just worked out and I couldn't be happier. Even losing my job, I couldn't be happier because it forced me to go move on to something different.  15 years at one place, with no moving up ...  it's time to move "on".  
She's staying in a dorm for the first year, and deathly afraid she won't make friends, which is just ludicrous. She's crazy. Her dorm mates will be her first mates the minute she gets there!!  I know she won't have any problems, but she won't listen to me, then says "I already have my friends here!, I don't need any more friends"..  I tried to explain that you make friends ALL THRU LIFE! Work friends, high school friends, college friends, ALL sorts of friends, but you only KEEP a handful of REAL friends that you'll carry with you for life.  Those ones are the ones you keep with you always.  HOW do you get it thru her head that she DOESN'T know better and that I KNOW EVERYTHING? (no, I really do). If ANYONE has any ideas that I can TELL her to help with this, I'm ALL ears.  Sidenote:  I've already told her *most* college freshmen are just as afraid as she is and just as worried about making friends and this big scary world etc, besides the crazy ones that are all excited to get out of the house and think they are ready for it. Any input is welcomed.
So, time for both of us to move on for our reasons, whatever they may be, to better ourselves even tho I will miss her every single minute of every single day and night until I see her again.  I hope she doesn't delete the Skype app after a week. 

"Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what that reason was"   ~Unknown

it's been 10 years...

It's been 10 years now. 10 long years since I started this thing. And stopped. Then started again.  And stopped again, and you get the picture.  I'm supposed to be committed to it.  And I am.  Kind of. I look back at 10 years of posts, before I mentioned anybody by name, and spoke a lot about "the kid"..  Looking back and reading all the old posts.. I had a lot of insight. I feel like I've become so jaded. It's a little sad. And depressing.  Is it because of where I work? Friends? People no longer friends?  Why is that? I think over time, it just happens to everyone eventually.  So much has changed over the past 10 years.  Shit, so much has changed in the past year, hell even in the past 6 months!  I am AMAZED, dumbfounded even at how much things constantly change. 
To name a few, I am back in touch with one of my closest friends, because I found out from one of the kids, that she might have brain cancer.  REALLY?! Cancer?  Long story short, it turns out to be a tumor that can't be removed.  We are too young for this sort of shit! Brain tumors.. no.  Not to people we know. During the process of this, in talking to my brother, things seemed "off".  Off in a way you kind of know in your gut something is wrong.  Since he is really the only person in my family I "talk to" on the regular, I did some "googling" like everyone says to do, and I found an obituary..  Of my Mother's passing. So there's that.  Granted, I didn't talk to her much but to find that on the internet, is difficult, so I found the strength to call my dad, and finally after a few days got a hold of him and found out the details of her passing (4 days shy of her 64th birthday).  Another Brain thing, aneurysm. It was rather quick and for that I am so grateful, I'd hate to have heard she suffered as she had during her life.  Anyway, I also found out my brother married, four days later,  ON my mother's Birthday, which He told me about, however, he FAILED to mention her passing..(I didn't know of her passing when he told me he had married, I found out after he told me of his marriage et al, that's where things seemed "off" and I found the obit)  Ok, so that placed a rather large wedge between us, and I immediately ceased speaking to him for a few months. Not sure why he felt that necessity, but that's on him and I'll never find out why because I'll never ask. (As of this posting today, we are speaking (read: Texting again)   He received 50/50 custody of his now 3 or 4 year old son last month, which is fantastic, and I'm very happy for him, and I also just found out that his new wife is wait for it.... Pregnant.  Between them, they'll have 5 kids. Congratulations. 
So... on my home front... let's see... I'm still working (part time right now (furlough time) it is what it is, I kinda like that day off even if it is unpaid, it's not too bad.. and studying to take on another job, because let's face it.. in this economy who's not out there trying to get a second or third job nowadays!  Especially in a ONE income household..  The kid got her first job, I am so proud of her!!  She's learning how to deal with bosses and that you can't talk back to them like you can to "mom" and that it sucks.  However, one of her bosses called her "a 1/3 of a person" the other day and I about blew a gasket. She said she was ok, and I told her "Oh Hell No you are NOT ok, that is NOT ok, and bosses are NOT to condescend you like that, and should be reprimanded!" So she did speak to another boss, and did get that taken care of, thankfully.  She is learning "office politics" and oh she does not like it but she's learning to handle it.  It's fun to listen to.  
She's a senior this year, and getting ready to apply to college.  I can't believe she's going to LEAVE me.  For reals.  LEAVE. As in and entirely different STATE.  But, she'll be closer to grandparents so she's ok with it. Uh, what am I?  Chopped liver?!  Thanks a lot!  
She's driving now.. She has a Honda Accord (Used) that she just loves.. we've had to replace some parts, and spend some of her "paychecks" that she's not too thrilled with, but I explained, "That, my dear, is LIFE".  We have things that break, we have to spend our money.  Of course I helped her to pay for it, but I won't be around forever, when she's off to college, so we are working on a budget now, to save save save!  She doesn't like having only $20 a week to "waste".. she'll learn. I just want to teach her EVERY possible thing I can before she leaves for college.  It's not like I haven't had 17 years to do it, I feel like I have to cram so much into such little time.  I've tried to be hero, all these years, I want to be HER hero, but she's got this I think? Does she? Will she? I know she'll call me every day, but she won't "need to" I think it'll be more for me, maybe equally for her, I don't know. She's stronger than she thinks.  She wrote a paper for school and said I was her Hero. But I don't know, I don't think so anymore.  I think she's becoming such a strong young woman, she just doesn't see it yet. She will, soon enough. Right? 
Anyway that is just in the last 4.5 months.  Like I said, so much has changed.  I can't even remember a year back.  So we'll just leave it at that.  Oh and I am talking to my dad more and I couldn't be happier, he is MY hero after all. 

“Maybe I’m not the hero to her I've always tried so hard to be, because right now, I feel as if she doesn't even need a hero. Why would she? She has someone so much stronger than I’ll ever be for her. She has herself.” 
― Colleen Hoover, Maybe Someday

Couple updates

Being old still sucks.  :)  just kidding.. so all that stuff I was trying to help my face stop the melting process, didn't work.. nothing did.. my face is still falling off and the only thing that is going to help that will be some "procedure" that costs me thousands.. HOWEVER I did decide on THE doctor to go to once I can afford it, Dr Simon Ourian. Ya, he's in LA, but it might be worth the drive if he can reverse the melting process... can ANYONE do that!?!?  Anyway,  I HAVE found a few products that ARE working for me.. I mean, I am a little lucky in that I'm 42 wait, am I 43 now? anyway, 40~ish, and I have very little if any wrinkles.  Awesome except my face is still melting.  ANYWAY, what I found that I LOVE is a few new things I didn't mention before.  First, Cleopatra really did have it goin on.  Like crazy what she did and even crazier, I am doing it.  I am THE biggest skeptic I know.  SO I research the shit out of everything.  I like to learn, and then of course share with others. :)  it's just my thang.  Anyway, I researched "shaving" my face.  You know all the questions, will it grow back thicker, will it be black, etc..  nope, nope and nope. it's AWESOME.  And, when I mentioned it to a few of my gals, THEY ALREADY DO IT!  I'm like, what!?! I thought I did everything first??  No, seems some have been doing it since like high school.. Ok, now that stung a little.  Anyway, I tried those little straight razor jobs like this: 

That wasn't too bad, just took quite a bit of time to work with... however, I have found the HOLY GRAIL for a woman face, to not only remove facial fuzz, but also exfoliate and get rid of the top layer of GUNK on your face!! It's AMAZING! 

                                                              

This my friends is DERMAFLASH.. and it's the bestest thing like ever.  After you charge it, you pop in the one time use blade, turn it on and clean off all the fuzz and dead skin off your face, once a week.  I LOVE this, it makes all my serums absorb better, and it allows my foundation to go on flawlessly..  Speaking of serums.. I found the one brand that works for me.  The L'oreal didn't work, so I tried Paula's Choice.  It's AFFORDABLE for us Single Mom's and just everyone that wants great skin care at a price that I don't mind spending every couple months.. There are many products in the line, but I use specifically "Resist" items in the line.. like the 10% weekly AHA to resurface the skin.. it's wonderful.  I use a nightly AHA and a daily BHA as a leave on exfoliator.  Moisturizer is wonderful, but the Hyaluronic acid is Fabulous! 

                                                   

Can't give away ALL My secrets at once, but I have a few more up my sleeve.. You should really take a look at these items (No, I am not paid for ANYTHING) these are just my honest opinions after trying so many things out there, and basically tossing them, or giving them away.. THESE work for my 40~ish skin and I LOVE them for it.   

ONE MORE THING.. I don't care for any of Kylie's lip paints, they don't last, and they BLEED.. I do like Kat Von D but the stain REALLY works..  I FINALLY found my all time favorite so far, and that is from Jeffree Star, and it's called ANDROGNY.. 

                                      

"Just have fun. Smile. And keep putting on lipstick"

This 'n that...

Being old sucks. Well, ageing sucks. It appears (to me) that my face is falling off of my skeleton and it's depressing.  I of course didn't have a very good teacher, so I didn't know to use sunscreen at a young age, or to stay OUT of the sun.. so of course I would slather on the baby oil and bake like a turkey out in the sun as a teenager. That did me NO favors.  Age spots, wrinkles and such.. no bueno.  So in my mid 30's I started using moisturizer and closer to 40 I started with SPF.  I just gotta say Thank GOD my daughter has me to now warn her of all the things I didn't know then. 
But back to me.. I didn't do much with my face, but over the past year, as I began to do more... I started noticing that gravity my friend, works!! And it too sucks. Boobies start sagging... then your face.. So I started a list of all the things I've tried that didn't work for me.  And what has.  I LOVE argan oil. Especially Josie Maran Argan Oil Light.  Absorbs in quickly and it is really hydrating. That coupled with Milk of the same line, just fabulous. But it isn't enough. I did so much research on expensive, as well as cheap alternatives for facial serums and creams.  I read about Jennifer Flavin's (Sly Stallone's wife who I GUARANTEE uses botox, fillers and probably an eye lift) line of Serious Skin Care Eyetality Total Eye Transformation and the reviews were just amazing!  People saying their eyelashes and eyebrows were growing out of control! (Ok, so my over plucked over the years eyebrows are a WHOLE nother story.. for maybe never.) So of course, let's try that!!  My first question is this:  How LONG do you try a product before you decide it doesn't do anything?  Personally I want to see IMMEDIATE effects of something.  Instant gratification is what I want. For everything.  I did not get this here. I used it for about 2 weeks, and nothing. Sure it moisturized, but I still had puffy under eyes every morning. So no, that didn't work. 
Did some more research and read that L'Oreal Revitalift items were supposed to be FABULOUS for a less expensive alternative. Look, I'm trying to lift up my "jowels" where my cheeks are trying to beat my chin in sagging.  So the FACE revitalift did nothing.  However, that said, the Double lifting eye cream.. THAT did something.  I have hooded eyes. So in the last 20 years, I've not seen my eyelids. Not sure I even have them at this point, as I think with age, they just disappear.  Well, this stuff actually LIFTED my eyelids! a smidge.  Not enough. I need something of an EYE LIFT but in a jar/serum, not a knife.  Speaking of eye lift.. I read about a product out on the market.. NuFace. I've SEEN it work and it DOES WORK~  But, at a cost.. One that I can't afford sadly.  Single Mom and all that, but I am saving up for it.  It's one of those things, use it 5 minutes a night and keep on it, and they'll stay UP.. and my "Jowels" will stay up too, and it's INSTANT GRATIFICATION! Something I live for.  That is my next "big purchase" (my first being my clarisonic face brush that I LOVE)  Ok, back to the serums et al.  Started a new system by Peter Thomas Roth. It has some kind of peel, and then some laser free eye and face "gels" that are made with Dragon's blood... so far, I love it.. All of the pieces.  It is WONDERFUL and my face feels so soft, and NO PUFFY under eyes.. it's IMMEDIATE!  I will give this system a month or maybe more to see if it can undo gravity's EVIL wrongdoings to my face...  Stay tuned.. 

OH, FYI:  I LOVE using Kat Von D Exorcism matte lip stain.  I think it's about a $20 dollar bill.   Found a deal on the new "Kylie" lip kit in "kourt".  SAME DAMN COLOR as exorcism and Kat Von D's is WAY cheaper and stays on longer...  In case you were wondering. 

"Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty." Coco Chanel (1983-1971)

It's been awhile...

Ok, so it's been a year.  Maybe over a year. A lot that has happened, but today I just wanted to show y'all a project I recently completed.  I'm doing more of what makes ME happy, and I'm loving it.  I've been redoing furniture.  I've done a few so far, and this one just made me happy.  I found her at GoodWill and gave her a face lift.  I've been wanting to buy some Annie Sloan chalk paints, but they are pretty expensive, so I've been using American Decor and their waxes.  On this project, I used American Decor Everlast chalk paint, and I was able to buy 4oz samples of Annie Sloan clear and dark waxes so I used those to finish the piece.  I also sanded down the top and re stained it in Kona and completed it with Polycrylic on the top.  I love it.  I can't decide if I can find somewhere to put her, or if I'm just going to sell her.  I need to purchase a compressor and some nail guns, so who knows.   

Anyway, I'll be back later with an "update" post, but until then, here she is!

Before: 

And after: 

 What do YOU think?

2014... So Far..

Well, we moved..  So far so.. ok, not so good.  The move itself was fine.  It was kind of nice to move from such a HUGE house to something more manageable.  IF she'd only help MANAGE it.  :\  It's soo small, anything out of place and it looks like a cluttered mess.  I'm ready to rip her hair out (what's left of it) and sit on her, and honestly I don't even know what to do anymore.  She won't listen.  She pretends to, and says "Ok, Mom, got it".. blah blah blah.  Whatever.  Anyway, seems I wasn't all that smart moving DOWNSTAIRS.  After living in the house, (2 stories) and my knees getting worse, I figured downstairs is perfect.  Until the lelefants moved in above me.  WHO DOES LAUNDRY AT 4AM!?!?!  Or HAND washes dishes at 1am?!  Someone up there is really into some kind of twerkin, zumba, hip hop, stomponthedamnfloor dancin shit, and it SUCKS.  I have tuned much of it out (having kids makes that easier) but she constantly complains about them.  And my poor Mojo, if they drop something up there, Mo instantly jumps up and looks around like some stealth FBI dog or something.  She's gonna die of a heart attack.  She's done SOO good with being potty trained, she holds everything until we get home and then we take her out and she's good.  Sometimes tho she'll wake me up at 2am to go out, but it's cool because she's not shit in the house or anything for 2 weeks so far! It is SOOO hard not having ALL my dogs, I won't go into it, because it still hurts too damn much...  So, I'm looking into spending the extra $300 or so that I wanted to SAVE every month, and moving to the 2 br 2 car garage.  Bottom floor is the garage and washer / dryer.  Middle is kitchen, dining, living room, her room, bathroom and walk in closet, and MY room is the top (QUIET) with the loft and my bathroom and bigger walk in closet.  I say I am HOPING to do this.  I've been there 2 weeks, and it's just too small, and the lelefants will drive me mad.  I talked to the leasing office and now just waiting to hear what the mucky mucks say about it.  Cross your fingers!!
Tomorrow is back to court.  Yay.. (laced heavily with sarcasm). 
We went last month, where I turned in pages and pages of everything going on etc... and he showed up with no lawyer.  Seems he got dropped. Quelle Horreur.   NOT!  It was bound to happen.  Anyway, seeing as he had no lawyer he played stupid and said he didn't know HOW to turn in the requested papers that he needed (with over a month to FIND HELP, WHATEVER LOSER).  So the "sub" judge that day decided that we needed to go back to mediation and that the kid needed to as well, and let's all meet back "tomorrow".  I put in my papers for her to see him every other Saturday 8 am - 8 pm.  That's it.  Since she HASN'T seen him since last year, she's on HONOR ROLL.  She's not stressed about him, she concentrates on her homework and DOES IT etc...  I see no need for week day visits just so he can yell at her... again.  Now, after she went to her mediation and told me what she said to the lady, I don't THINK he'll actually get any because even when he sent the sheriff to my house, to make her go see him, the sheriff said "We can't make her go, you have a good night" and left.  So... we'll see what they say.   
Found out a good friend of mine is going to be divorcing.  He left her, no reason why nothing.  Just "I'm done".  I personally can understand that, because that was me when I left.  I was DONE.  Seems he's lied and there is someone else, after repeatedly denying it.   Long story short, caught him.  And what's worse, it's a friend of Hers.  :'(  So, spending time with her, doing what I can to be supportive.  And I have court tomorrow for my own crap.  Easter is next weekend, and we were invited to go the Havafew for it.  (Not taking the boat out tho).  We decided to go (yesterday) and today I thought about it, they will be gone, so bug and I can be home this weekend and NOT have to do anything for anyone.  We can go to the community breakfast with the Easter Bunny and just do "our thing" and talk and get back to some kind of "normal", together.  Whatever that is.

Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else's anchor

2014.. The year of "Sacrifice"

2013 was quite the year.  A LOT of changes, tears, heartache, happiness, you know a "Typical" year.  Donor hasn't been much help with the kid.  She is AMAZING.  In the past month or so, she and I have laid out her game plan for High School (she starts later this year), and the majority of high school (10 - 12th grades) that she will also be taking college courses so that she can graduate High School with her diploma, as well as her AA in something chemistry related she says.  She hasn't seen "him" in a couple months.  Not even Christmas.  Stopped seeing her during the week back in august of last year, and only a handful of weekends here and there, some of which he took her to friends, and didn't actually "see her".  He's not the point of this anyway. Saw my brother for the first time in years, only to have him USE ME yet again, and I fell for it.  I'm an idiot.  I gave up a LOT of my time, and energy and me in general last year.  Taking a look at my life and finances, there is no way for the kid to go to college.  Well, without taking out loans etc, and I can't buy us a home.  The point is, I have to save a LOT of money to get her to college.  I had no help growing up from MY parents really, so I will make sure I do whatever I can to get her where she wants to go professionally.. I don't know if my parents didn't do much to help because they had 3 kids or what.. but MINE (kid) has a bank account and is learning how to manage her money etc and she's just as excited as I am for what is to come.  
Here comes the year of sacrifice...  With my job and where we live, I can't afford to save squat.  So we are moving.  For anyone that really knows me, this means usually I move wherever I can take my entire family.  I can't just move anymore because I feel like it.  Or like my dad used to say because my apartment got dirty..  I have to move logically.. Can the kid get to school?  Do I know someone that she can hang out with before the long ride to school?  Is there a bus?  All these things have to be taken into consideration.  Long story short, she and I made the decision last night, that we are giving up our beloved dogs.  I'm shedding so many tears writing this just thinking of NOT having them in our lives. And it KILLS ME.  I'm not only a parent to her, but to them as well.  Sadly, I had to make the decision that living in a tiny 2 br apartment just us, is what we have to do, to save up money to put down for a house, and to pay for her schooling.  I've not told anyone around me really, except my bff so that the kid can hang out with her in the morning before school, but that's it.  One the one hand I can literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces, not having my dogs to greet me every day, and wake me up at 2 am to go outside to pee.  I've had them since they were babies..  BUT I KNOW they will find a good home.  I already imagine where they will live.  Will they think I just up and left them? THAT is THE worst feeling I have right now.  That is killing me.     I need to take a break for a minute.. the tears won't stop.
Anyway, will they understand that I have to do what I have to do for her and our little family?  I looked at other places that TAKE pets.. they are both over 50lbs.. bottom line, I have tried to figure out a way, and I don't have a choice.  Once you feel your heart actually break, it is REALLY hard to stop the tears from falling. 
We are selling all of our things, paying off all debt (a whopping 3 grand without my car)... and save every single penny, increase my credit score, and buy a home for us.  We are soooo excited for it, and understand we do have to sacrifice everything this year, so that next year can be perfect and awesome.  I know there are other people worse off than me and others that have everything in the world.. I have what I have, and soon, won't be much, but I have my kid.. and that is my entire life. 

What's new..

I HATE being uninspired.  My last entry was a few months back... And the end result of THAT day was damn near the same as any other day in court..  Pieces of data were missing, someone needs to find it..  blah blah..  Back again next month. Fast forward a few months.  Feb 15th.  I won't go into the annoying shitty details, but now rather than going to his house sat 8am she goes Friday after school.  She's very angry.  The counselor flat out LIED in her report and put words into my mouth that were never said.  Long story short, I'm kind of GLAD she goes Friday - Sunday night now.  These last few months have been... beyond rough.  Arguments escalated between she and I as well as he and I.  And she turned 13 this month to boot.  AND that whole "became a woman" thing hit.  She's an emotional hormonal wreck.  I have just been ignoring everything.  I stopped my smoothies, and my diet went to shit.  I have gained like 10 lbs in the last few months.  My jeans don't fit.  What did I do? How did I get here?   Doesn't really matter anymore.  I have already started changing things.  :)  One is I got my new Vitamix 750 Pro.  OH BOY DO I LOVE IT.  I'm back on my smoothies and have already dropped a few pounds because of it.  A friend of mine has some health issues, so I told him he should be drinking green smoothies..  I made the following recipe and brought him some.  He was REALLY surprised how yummy it was...  It's nice to help others.. balances out shitty days at home.  :) 

6 or so leaves of Kale
a handful of Italian Parsely
a handful of regular Parsely
6 leaves Dandelion Root
a peeled knuckle size chunk of ginger
a few shakes of cinnamon
2 tsp raw organic honey
some ground up rolled oats (like flour consistency)
10oz green tea
1/2 fresh pineapple WITH the core
1 green apple
1 banana
1 orange (WITH the white pith skin part)
1 bag organic frozen raspberries
2 tsp flax meal
2 tsp maca powder
1/2 lemon juice

Blend it all in a big blender, it yields about 64 ounces of yummy smoothies...  I usually put 1/2 in 32oz mason jars and drink one each day.  1/2 for Breakfast and 1/2 for lunch or snack.  GOOD stuff...  Note:  I never measure smoothies.. just toss stuff into the blender... if it doesn't taste good after blending, just add more sweet stuff  :)
Tonight I am going to mix it up and use a grapefruit and add some cucumber.. 
Have a great day er'body~

EndGame..

This is it.  Tomorrow is the trial.  Many of you know the situation that Dano "The Kid" and I have been on our own for a while now.  Since June 2011 to be exact.  Her "Dad" finally went over the edge so to speak and long story short, was charged by the state for domestic violence after Dano had to call 911 on him and have him arrested.  This is not the first occurrence.  This was the 5th I believe.  There was another police report for a different time it happened, that time he tried to run me over AND slashed a tire.  Quite honestly, I know what it feels like to not be able to "let go" of someone (NOT HIM in my case).  Anyway the court took away his custody and adjusted his visitation to only day visits.  No overnights for the last year and a half.  She had ONE recently, as a trial.  Her bed hadn't been slept in, in well over a year, she said there were spider webs etc.  He "brushed off" the bed, and made her sleep there.  I have thought of a MULTITUDE of ways to handle myself at the trial tomorrow.  He has a lawyer.  An idiot one at that.  I am kind of hoping that he comes in, guns a blazing with a bunch of finger pointing and she did/said this/that blah blah.  I am not backing down nor conceding however, I am not going that route.  I have 100 pages of texts back/forth with him, stating A LOT.  He's threatened her.  He's bailed out on her for HIS COURT ORDERED weekends with her, to go to the river 2 times and to Las Vegas JUST THIS PAST WEEKEND!!  I am not going in with this date he did this, and so on and so forth.  I am going just speak from my heart, and lay it all on the line.  After 1 1/2 years, and ZERO resolutions, compromise (except on my end, I compromised way more than I should have) we can not agree to anything. So now the judge will decide what happens.  Not only that, but the judge for the last 1 1/2 years, was worthless, and tomorrow is the LAST court date with A NEW JUDGE.  WTH!?   Dano has told the court two times already, told HIM and the counselor that she does NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM.  She also wrote a letter to the court and sealed it in an envelope for me to give to the judge that states HER words.  I don't know what else I can do.  I don't have money to fork out for a lawyer.  They couldn't say or express my feelings as a mother anyway.  I'm scared.  I'm scared for Dano that she just might have to live with him part time again.   She cries every time she comes home.   He calls her a liar, belittles her... She finally told him yesterday "I can't take this anymore.. I don't want to be with you..."   As a parent, as hard as it may be, but if your child does not want to see you... WHY WOULD YOU FORCE THEM to continue to do that!??!  It would be the hardest thing for me to let her go, but I would do it.  For her.  I wouldn't force her to want to see me.   Granted, I personally, would need to be committed shortly thereafter, but  that's just me.  He's doing just fine with his new girlfriend and her daughter... I wish he would just move on.     Anyway, this is it.  Please pray for me, whatever few of you that read this.. I've given up any semblance of a life, to do whatever I can for Dano.  I don't go out, haven't seen a bar to "party" for years.. I don't go to the river.. (Man, I'd LOVE to get a way!)  I can't afford to do that stuff trying to feed and clothe a growing 12 year old..   Add to that some other personal issues, that have just compounded everything, I don't "deserve" a break per se, but a little Happiness for a while, would be nice.  

LIES... and kids.

LIES.  I hate them.  Despise them.  Probably because I was so good at it long LONG ago, then it all blew up in my face.  Live and learn.  Now, I just will not lie. Period.  If you don't like what I have to say, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.  I don't have to REMEMBER what I said, or to whom, because what I say is the truth regardless who hears it.  If you want to know something and expect HONESTY, then by all means, ask me.  I am not all THAT stupid and I realize kids lie.  But when you are MY kid, and You KNOW that I can't stand lies, WHY ON EARTH would you keep trying to do it.  WHITE LIES ARE STILL LIES.  Ok, yes, I am sure I've told a few white lies, perchance to spare someones feelings or something.  Dano can't seem to get the truth out no matter what because "Either way, I'm gonna be in trouble".  See.. No.  Not true.  If I ask you to do something, and you don't "get around to doing it", not a real biggie.. sure I might make some kind of grunting noise or whatever, but it is what it is..  Now, when you talk to me on the phone, and tell me flat out "Yup I did it", and then I come home and I know you blatantly LIED to me.. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN!?!?  Now, you are grounded.. No bike, scooter, skateboard.  No Tv, no tablet, no phone, no computer.  Nothing.  Nada.  No you can't play with your friends.   You get to sit in your room AGAIN either going thru all your clothes, socks whatever to see what doesn't fit, etc.. and think about your behaviour.  Seriously.  This is ridiculous   She has to be bored at this point sitting in her room staring at the walls.   I don't even know WHAT to do anymore.  Like, I went so far as to pretty much threaten her, that when I go to trial in 2 weeks, I'll just tell the court to go back to 50/50 custody and she can stay with him again... of course she flipped out, and said no (well cried "no) etc.. so, I'm at my wits end.   12 years old sucks.  No, I don't remember this age.. Hell I don't remember much of ANYTHING really growing up.  I see pictures, and have zero recollection of being there.  Anyway... HELP!

No change in 5 years..

It's interesting reading back on this blog.  It's been around for 5 years now.  I think it's probably the longest I have been "committed" to something other than my kid or my dogs.  LOL   Anyway, I came across this post, I think it was my 2nd post on this blog.  It's weird when you stop and think about how much life changes over the years, but when you REALLY think about it, does anything really change?  This is years ago... but still fits me today.. to the T.

Happy Friday y'all.. 

Monday, July 9, 2007

Sleep..

Trying to fall asleep at night is a pretty difficult feat for me.. once asleep, it's ok.. but it's the process of shutting down my brain in order to be relaxed enough to fall asleep that is so difficult. So last night, I was trying to slow down my thoughts and of course I started thinking again.. Trying to picture just black darkness, but somehow thoughts and images seem to creep back in, polluting my head to where it is spinning yet again. It seems days are filled with immediate thoughts and actions, where night time is where my head decides it's time to start thinking of the most mundane things that apparently I was too busy to think about during the day.
I can't imagine this is insomnia, and I can't take anything at night time for fear I will be completely worthless in the morning, or I won't wake up enough if something were wrong with my daughter. 
So I continue to lay here, with thoughts dancing in my head, and worries and frets about the coming days' activities.. Sweet Dreams or nightmares? 

How do you know who it is that you are meant for? How do you know what is supposed to happen in your life? How do you know when everything falls into place? How do you know why things happen "for a reason"? How do you know where all of this will happen? You don't get to know. It just is. So now I will try to go back to sleep and stop worrying about all of this.. because it just is.

Surreal. Convoluted. Empty
A plethora of emotions
haunting at the same time..

A sea of smoke
fills the room
and burns my eyes..

Daring tears to fall
my eyes close
until sleep finally takes over.....

Le Jardin..

Wanted to update on my garden.  It's a jungle.   In the tangled mess of the watermelon, pumpkin and cantaloupe... there are 3 watermelons still growing.. After opening that last one, I figured I'll wait a few more weeks to try this other HUGE one..   There is ONE (1) SINGLE pumpkin.  FFS, ONE!!? Anyway, I did find two hidden cantaloupes TRYING to grow.. not sure if they will make it or not.  I ripped out the squash plants.. they get ugly after awhile. HAHA  Planted some cucumbers.  I love cucumbers.  How does one spell kewks is how it sounds to me, short for cucumbers?? cucs? hhmmmm 
Anyway, those will start producing in a couple weeks.  The Zucchini plants are doing great.. I picked the first fruit/veggie last night and probably too late, because it was HUGE.. it was a good foot long.. :(  we'll see..  
The tomatillos are starting to grow. I had no idea HOW they grew, but as you can see below, they produce the "skin" pod thingy first, which is hollow, and then the tomatillo grows "into" that.  Kinda cool.  :)   My Grape Vine!! It looks like it's flexing muscles!!  I LOVE how it grew!! haha  hhmmm OH! going to plant some PURPLE tomatillo!!  How fun would that be to have purple salsa!? 
Still waiting on some "real" corn to show up to try, not too much longer.  You can see a watermelon behind the red chili bush/tree thingy...  There are a couple jalapenos FINALLY growing on the stupid plant that kept trying to commit suicide on me...  Anyhoo... here are some pics for you to laugh at.  
(｡◕‿◕｡)


BEHOLD LE JARDIN JUNGLE!  

Empty tomatillo shells

Some green Roma Tomatoes

A singular watermelon

The ONLY pumpkin out of the whole damn mess!

FINALLY a tiny bunch of broccoli is showing up..  ggrrrr

This looks like a STRONG vine.. you know, flexing.. meh. whatever.

Oh the sneaky watermelon I found growing behind the peppers.. 

Jalapenos I saved from suicide..  there are like 5 growing.. :D

Cucumbers!!!  Can't wait! 

This is THE MESS.  I can't wait to rip it all out.  NO MORE MELONS of any type.

Y'all are liars...

You know, I had seriously really wanted to believe you guys that I am doing things re: Dano "Right".  SHE just had to prove y'all wrong I guess.  I swear.  I am madder than a wet hen right now.  I am really trying to do everything the best that I can alone.  I CAN'T DO IT.  She's supposed to get ALL of her homework done when she is at "his" house.  Seems he can't be bothered with checking her homework to make SURE SHE DOES IT.  She's 12 FFS!! Of course she's gonna try to get out of it.  She did it last night.  I told her "Get ALL OF YOUR WORK DONE" when she got out of my car.  When I picked her up "Did you finish ALL OF YOUR WORK?"  "Yup"  Wrong.  I even got her an AGENDA to put in there ALL of her assignments.  Now, it is HIS job to be a parent and check to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to.  WHY WOULD I EXPECT THAT?!?!  He doesn't even "know" her anymore.  I shit you not.  Doesn't ask about school, friends, BOYS, NOTHING.  So, why expect he would check on her school work.  And therein lies my problem.  I screwed up because I didn't do it either.   I left it to him to do HIS JOB.  
So, this morning, she calls me (She calls me at LEAST 8 times every morning...) and she's crying.  At first I think it's because I went to wake her up to get up and shower, and she pitched THE biggest fit... so I just left.  Thought she was apologizing for that.  Nope.  She didn't do her homework.  OH MY GOSH Can you believe it!?  GASP!  Quelle Horreur!  I was pretty much beside myself.  BUT, in the larger scheme of things.. it is MY FAULT.  
I hate that, I hate admitting that, and saying it in my head.   But, it is.  So... Now, I am back to spending MY afternoons doing 7th grade pre algebra and talking about Atilla the Hun (Which I told Dano was very similar to my mother) and whatever other crap I don't care to remember about middle school.   That's not fair.  I am adult damn it.  I don't WANT to do school work, but to make sure that SHE succeeds, and does far better than I did in life, I guess I'll just drink my beers sitting on the floor in the office, listening to whatever is on the agenda starting today.   Yuk. 

Am I doin' it right??

It finally came to a head last night.  As far as I am concerned little white lies are the same as any other lie.  I don't care what anyone says, it is HARD to be a single full time parent.  Period.  I have to be Mom and in some cases Dad too.  It's frustrating, and quite honestly not fun.  So yesterday, I asked Dano to put the dishes in the dishwasher away and put the dirty dishes in, feed the dogs and get herself ready for school.  NOTHING happened, besides getting to school.  I asked her if the stuff was done at that time, and the response was "Almost".  I know what ALMOST means.  Not even close, haven't touched it, what was I supposed to do again?   I let it go.  We got home yesterday, and I saw the dishes, and we were putting away a few groceries.  Dano was going on and on about the back to school dance that is tonight.  Long story short, told Dano 2 more times to get the dishes done.  Didn't happen until about 7:30 last night, after I finally YELLED at her to get off her butt and do it NOW.  I lost it.  I told her she was a liar (technically she is) and that she KNOWS everything I've had to go thru with Donor and court for the last year, OVER a year, and this is how she is treating me.  I have to tell her 5,6 or 7 times to do something that should take ONE time go make her get up and DO IT.  I'm tired.  I can't be the good guy (Mom) AND the bad guy at the same time.  It's impossible.  Last night I turned into "Dad".. and very similar to her actual one.  She cried, a LOT.  Hysterically even.  After all I said to her, I didn't even FEEL BAD about it!  I knew I was right and I was just FED UP to here with all the bullshit.  She's 12 FFS!!!  Anyway, she kept saying I'm sorry.. I said for what? You aren't SORRY, you are upset you got caught LYING to me...  she said No, I'm sorry for disappointing you.   Ok WOW.  That's the worst feeling for ME personally, disappointing someone.  I hate feeling that I let someone down.  For whatever reason, it just crushes me.  Apparently that rubbed off on her.. Thank GOD.  I am not one to hold grudges WITH HER only.  Everyone else, no problem.  I can't do that to Dano.  She stopped crying and we talked more.  I apologized for yelling at her, but I said I wasn't sorry for calling her out.  She told me to not be sorry that it was her fault, and she was wrong, and she has to make things right with me.   And the dance.. I asked WHY I should let her go... (she was soo excited to go) and she told me "You shouldn't.  I don't deserve to go"..  I said you can tell all your friends how mad at me you are that I'm not going to let you go.  She was shocked but she said, "No, I'll tell them I lied to you and I can't go".   We'll see how that goes.   It is really hard to raise a kid, by yourself.  Literally, no family, no grandparents to help, no aunts or uncles to do anything... it's just "US"..  I really hope I am "doin it right"...  

Times change..

I am not even sure where to begin today.  Yesterday I buried my dear Friend Laurie.  She was 41 years young.  She was my big buddy in High School.  We shared a few classes together with the same teacher, Mr. Hufferd aka "Huff".  He was there at the services.  After it was over, the girls (Tiffany, Brittany & Shannon) and I took Huff to lunch. We had a lovely time.  I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Huff who will be turning 80 about the same time I will be turning 40 next year.  I was really disappointed by the lack of "friends" from HS to show up for the services.  I know everyone is different and they all "have lives" to live etc.. but I can't wrap my head around, what is SOOO important in your great life, that you couldn't take a few hours out of your day to say good bye to a friend.  Granted, there have been 1 maybe 2 funerals I did not attend because I would have been a broken down blubbering mess and ruined everything.  But I just can't see that what 30-40 people would have done the same at one funeral?  Anyway, that has been weighing heavily on my mind today.  I have no family, so to spend time with Huff listening to stories gave me a sense of "family" again and that was very comforting to me.  I miss Laurie.  She was at my house last for a gathering of friends before I moved.  Those happen now and again, but it won't be the same without her.  I think I'll have to do another one anyway, around Christmas time, and host friends that ARE still around.. My brain is having a hard time adjusting and many thoughts flying around.  Dano saw Lauries picture on the funeral card, and exclaimed "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IT WAS HER!?"  I didn't think Dano remembered her, she only saw her a handful of times, and it wasn't like Dano was really interested or so I thought.  She was upset at me for not letting her go with me, but I had to be Mom and made her attend school.  It's just how it is.  I miss Laurie's smile, and laughter, and her ability to make you smile even if you are in a crying fit.  Her sarcasm taught me so well, and that will be missed terribly.  I am really not sure where to go with this, I think I just needed to write it down so I didn't keep dwelling..  I can't wait to meet up with her again some day.  

One of Laurie's Favorite sayings... :)