Wednesday, May 30, 2018

So many changes.... Again.

I don't even know where to begin.   Everything, literally EVERYTHING is changing.  She graduated.  High School.  She's leaving for college.  In another state.  Like gone. Away from me. I'm alone again.  I'm back to when I left my house when I was 17 years old, leaving my parents home for the first time, and I'm freaking out.  WHY am I freaking out??  Sure she is, as she should be, she's going to miss her friends, not me, her friends, as it should be of course, but why I am I freaking out?  Yes, I'll miss her. It's been the two of us for the last 15 years, I think growing up together, but this time it's different.  I left home with the world waiting for me. Ready to do some damage or so I thought. Here. I. Come. I was ready.  I've spent the last 18 years pretending to raise a child, and now she's going off to college, and I'm leaving Ca to move to another state because WHY do I need to stay here, there is no one here for me, she's gone, but I'm leaving, to start my life.  My. Life.  And I'm scared. To death.  What the entire hell is wrong with me? I am a grown ass woman for fks sake! I own GUNS, I can take care of myself and yet, I am scared?  Fearful?  Yes. I am. And I think it's normal and maybe even ok.  I've been alone raising her so it has to be normal for me to feel like this, some part of that "empty nest" bullshit or whatever.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO HAPPY for her, she NEEDS this to live her life, and I am happy to finally start my life again.  I already have a house, a job lined up making more money etc.. so it's all good, but living alone.  Again.  That has me a little spooked.  I have my trusty .9mm gun to keep in my room but I think once I move, I might need to pick up a couple more to keep in other places in the house to get a little more access to, "if" the need arises..  you never know living alone, you need to "feel safe"  ;)
I'm glad to finally be able to leave Ca and get out of this tax rich hell hole once and for all, and start a new life.. meet new people (somehow) and force myself to get out and do things.  That one will be tough for me to do, but I need to find a way to do it.  I really want to take a pottery class and a cooking class.. My kid seems to think I am going to die once she's gone since she likes to feed me, and I won't be able to fend for myself.. um hello??  Ever heard of Top Ramen??   HAHA kidding, that shit is nasty.  My mom used to make the best cheese on toast in the broiler, and that was just delish..  
Anyway, I can't wait to move, 2 more weeks.. I have a pool, so I am VERY happy, that'll help with my back, and my dog.. I can't wait to take her to the shelter to meet a new friend to bring home so she has a buddy.. THAT will be a feat in itself.  She hates the world accept me and "sissy" so we'll see how that goes. 
Having my current job (that I will temporarily retire from this week) actually "let me go" along with the entire California plant is such a blessing.  We get so stagnant in our lives, and I am THE WORST with change.  I'd be so content staying right where I am and not leave or move on for years.  But the takeover has forced me to do the opposite.  I HAVE TO LEAVE, along with everyone else. It's sad, bittersweet and a challenge and cleansing to say the least and it couldn't have come at a better time with her going off to college. It's funny how you think "Oh no, NOW what am I going to do, how am I going to get by" etc.. all these thoughts..  I couldn't sit around and do that. I am ONE income.  I had to just DO something, so I literally picked a state, I made plans, but, those plans changed, I picked another state, found a house, put down my deposit, set up all the utilities to be turned on, and started the ball rolling.  Sent out my resume, and within a week, was offered a job. After a couple weeks, that job fell thru, they needed someone sooner.  So I paid to have my resume professionally redone (waste of money, turns out) only to have the original job call me back to offer me the job AGAIN and send me a contract which is now signed, and ready for me to start work.  I know that everything works out somehow, I ALWAYS tell her that, which she doesn't believe until she sees it happen.  I don't always believe it either, I usually have to see it too, to reinforce that I believe it myself.  But I do know, it happens for a reason, even if it's not a good reason.   This time, it just worked out and I couldn't be happier. Even losing my job, I couldn't be happier because it forced me to go move on to something different.  15 years at one place, with no moving up ...  it's time to move "on".  
She's staying in a dorm for the first year, and deathly afraid she won't make friends, which is just ludicrous. She's crazy. Her dorm mates will be her first mates the minute she gets there!!  I know she won't have any problems, but she won't listen to me, then says "I already have my friends here!, I don't need any more friends"..  I tried to explain that you make friends ALL THRU LIFE! Work friends, high school friends, college friends, ALL sorts of friends, but you only KEEP a handful of REAL friends that you'll carry with you for life.  Those ones are the ones you keep with you always.  HOW do you get it thru her head that she DOESN'T know better and that I KNOW EVERYTHING? (no, I really do). If ANYONE has any ideas that I can TELL her to help with this, I'm ALL ears.  Sidenote:  I've already told her *most* college freshmen are just as afraid as she is and just as worried about making friends and this big scary world etc, besides the crazy ones that are all excited to get out of the house and think they are ready for it. Any input is welcomed.
So, time for both of us to move on for our reasons, whatever they may be, to better ourselves even tho I will miss her every single minute of every single day and night until I see her again.  I hope she doesn't delete the Skype app after a week. 

"Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what that reason was"   ~Unknown

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

it's been 10 years...

It's been 10 years now. 10 long years since I started this thing. And stopped. Then started again.  And stopped again, and you get the picture.  I'm supposed to be committed to it.  And I am.  Kind of. I look back at 10 years of posts, before I mentioned anybody by name, and spoke a lot about "the kid"..  Looking back and reading all the old posts.. I had a lot of insight. I feel like I've become so jaded. It's a little sad. And depressing.  Is it because of where I work? Friends? People no longer friends?  Why is that? I think over time, it just happens to everyone eventually.  So much has changed over the past 10 years.  Shit, so much has changed in the past year, hell even in the past 6 months!  I am AMAZED, dumbfounded even at how much things constantly change. 
To name a few, I am back in touch with one of my closest friends, because I found out from one of the kids, that she might have brain cancer.  REALLY?! Cancer?  Long story short, it turns out to be a tumor that can't be removed.  We are too young for this sort of shit! Brain tumors.. no.  Not to people we know. During the process of this, in talking to my brother, things seemed "off".  Off in a way you kind of know in your gut something is wrong.  Since he is really the only person in my family I "talk to" on the regular, I did some "googling" like everyone says to do, and I found an obituary..  Of my Mother's passing. So there's that.  Granted, I didn't talk to her much but to find that on the internet, is difficult, so I found the strength to call my dad, and finally after a few days got a hold of him and found out the details of her passing (4 days shy of her 64th birthday).  Another Brain thing, aneurysm. It was rather quick and for that I am so grateful, I'd hate to have heard she suffered as she had during her life.  Anyway, I also found out my brother married, four days later,  ON my mother's Birthday, which He told me about, however, he FAILED to mention her passing..(I didn't know of her passing when he told me he had married, I found out after he told me of his marriage et al, that's where things seemed "off" and I found the obit)  Ok, so that placed a rather large wedge between us, and I immediately ceased speaking to him for a few months. Not sure why he felt that necessity, but that's on him and I'll never find out why because I'll never ask. (As of this posting today, we are speaking (read: Texting again)   He received 50/50 custody of his now 3 or 4 year old son last month, which is fantastic, and I'm very happy for him, and I also just found out that his new wife is wait for it.... Pregnant.  Between them, they'll have 5 kids. Congratulations. 
So... on my home front... let's see... I'm still working (part time right now (furlough time) it is what it is, I kinda like that day off even if it is unpaid, it's not too bad.. and studying to take on another job, because let's face it.. in this economy who's not out there trying to get a second or third job nowadays!  Especially in a ONE income household..  The kid got her first job, I am so proud of her!!  She's learning how to deal with bosses and that you can't talk back to them like you can to "mom" and that it sucks.  However, one of her bosses called her "a 1/3 of a person" the other day and I about blew a gasket. She said she was ok, and I told her "Oh Hell No you are NOT ok, that is NOT ok, and bosses are NOT to condescend you like that, and should be reprimanded!" So she did speak to another boss, and did get that taken care of, thankfully.  She is learning "office politics" and oh she does not like it but she's learning to handle it.  It's fun to listen to.  
She's a senior this year, and getting ready to apply to college.  I can't believe she's going to LEAVE me.  For reals.  LEAVE. As in and entirely different STATE.  But, she'll be closer to grandparents so she's ok with it. Uh, what am I?  Chopped liver?!  Thanks a lot!  
She's driving now.. She has a Honda Accord (Used) that she just loves.. we've had to replace some parts, and spend some of her "paychecks" that she's not too thrilled with, but I explained, "That, my dear, is LIFE".  We have things that break, we have to spend our money.  Of course I helped her to pay for it, but I won't be around forever, when she's off to college, so we are working on a budget now, to save save save!  She doesn't like having only $20 a week to "waste".. she'll learn. I just want to teach her EVERY possible thing I can before she leaves for college.  It's not like I haven't had 17 years to do it, I feel like I have to cram so much into such little time.  I've tried to be hero, all these years, I want to be HER hero, but she's got this I think? Does she? Will she? I know she'll call me every day, but she won't "need to" I think it'll be more for me, maybe equally for her, I don't know. She's stronger than she thinks.  She wrote a paper for school and said I was her Hero. But I don't know, I don't think so anymore.  I think she's becoming such a strong young woman, she just doesn't see it yet. She will, soon enough. Right? 
Anyway that is just in the last 4.5 months.  Like I said, so much has changed.  I can't even remember a year back.  So we'll just leave it at that.  Oh and I am talking to my dad more and I couldn't be happier, he is MY hero after all. 

“Maybe I’m not the hero to her I've always tried so hard to be, because right now, I feel as if she doesn't even need a hero. Why would she? She has someone so much stronger than I’ll ever be for her. She has herself.” 
― Colleen HooverMaybe Someday

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Couple updates

Being old still sucks.  :)  just kidding.. so all that stuff I was trying to help my face stop the melting process, didn't work.. nothing did.. my face is still falling off and the only thing that is going to help that will be some "procedure" that costs me thousands.. HOWEVER I did decide on THE doctor to go to once I can afford it, Dr Simon Ourian. Ya, he's in LA, but it might be worth the drive if he can reverse the melting process... can ANYONE do that!?!?  Anyway,  I HAVE found a few products that ARE working for me.. I mean, I am a little lucky in that I'm 42 wait, am I 43 now? anyway, 40~ish, and I have very little if any wrinkles.  Awesome except my face is still melting.  ANYWAY, what I found that I LOVE is a few new things I didn't mention before.  First, Cleopatra really did have it goin on.  Like crazy what she did and even crazier, I am doing it.  I am THE biggest skeptic I know.  SO I research the shit out of everything.  I like to learn, and then of course share with others. :)  it's just my thang.  Anyway, I researched "shaving" my face.  You know all the questions, will it grow back thicker, will it be black, etc..  nope, nope and nope. it's AWESOME.  And, when I mentioned it to a few of my gals, THEY ALREADY DO IT!  I'm like, what!?! I thought I did everything first??  No, seems some have been doing it since like high school.. Ok, now that stung a little.  Anyway, I tried those little straight razor jobs like this: 
That wasn't too bad, just took quite a bit of time to work with... however, I have found the HOLY GRAIL for a woman face, to not only remove facial fuzz, but also exfoliate and get rid of the top layer of GUNK on your face!! It's AMAZING! 

This my friends is DERMAFLASH.. and it's the bestest thing like ever.  After you charge it, you pop in the one time use blade, turn it on and clean off all the fuzz and dead skin off your face, once a week.  I LOVE this, it makes all my serums absorb better, and it allows my foundation to go on flawlessly..  Speaking of serums.. I found the one brand that works for me.  The L'oreal didn't work, so I tried Paula's Choice.  It's AFFORDABLE for us Single Mom's and just everyone that wants great skin care at a price that I don't mind spending every couple months.. There are many products in the line, but I use specifically "Resist" items in the line.. like the 10% weekly AHA to resurface the skin.. it's wonderful.  I use a nightly AHA and a daily BHA as a leave on exfoliator.  Moisturizer is wonderful, but the Hyaluronic acid is Fabulous! 

Can't give away ALL My secrets at once, but I have a few more up my sleeve.. You should really take a look at these items (No, I am not paid for ANYTHING) these are just my honest opinions after trying so many things out there, and basically tossing them, or giving them away.. THESE work for my 40~ish skin and I LOVE them for it.   

ONE MORE THING.. I don't care for any of Kylie's lip paints, they don't last, and they BLEED.. I do like Kat Von D but the stain REALLY works..  I FINALLY found my all time favorite so far, and that is from Jeffree Star, and it's called ANDROGNY.. 

"Just have fun. Smile. And keep putting on lipstick"

Thursday, May 12, 2016

This 'n that...

Being old sucks. Well, ageing sucks. It appears (to me) that my face is falling off of my skeleton and it's depressing.  I of course didn't have a very good teacher, so I didn't know to use sunscreen at a young age, or to stay OUT of the sun.. so of course I would slather on the baby oil and bake like a turkey out in the sun as a teenager. That did me NO favors.  Age spots, wrinkles and such.. no bueno.  So in my mid 30's I started using moisturizer and closer to 40 I started with SPF.  I just gotta say Thank GOD my daughter has me to now warn her of all the things I didn't know then. 
But back to me.. I didn't do much with my face, but over the past year, as I began to do more... I started noticing that gravity my friend, works!! And it too sucks. Boobies start sagging... then your face.. So I started a list of all the things I've tried that didn't work for me.  And what has.  I LOVE argan oil. Especially Josie Maran Argan Oil Light.  Absorbs in quickly and it is really hydrating. That coupled with Milk of the same line, just fabulous. But it isn't enough. I did so much research on expensive, as well as cheap alternatives for facial serums and creams.  I read about Jennifer Flavin's (Sly Stallone's wife who I GUARANTEE uses botox, fillers and probably an eye lift) line of Serious Skin Care Eyetality Total Eye Transformation and the reviews were just amazing!  People saying their eyelashes and eyebrows were growing out of control! (Ok, so my over plucked over the years eyebrows are a WHOLE nother story.. for maybe never.) So of course, let's try that!!  My first question is this:  How LONG do you try a product before you decide it doesn't do anything?  Personally I want to see IMMEDIATE effects of something.  Instant gratification is what I want. For everything.  I did not get this here. I used it for about 2 weeks, and nothing. Sure it moisturized, but I still had puffy under eyes every morning. So no, that didn't work. 
Did some more research and read that L'Oreal Revitalift items were supposed to be FABULOUS for a less expensive alternative. Look, I'm trying to lift up my "jowels" where my cheeks are trying to beat my chin in sagging.  So the FACE revitalift did nothing.  However, that said, the Double lifting eye cream.. THAT did something.  I have hooded eyes. So in the last 20 years, I've not seen my eyelids. Not sure I even have them at this point, as I think with age, they just disappear.  Well, this stuff actually LIFTED my eyelids! a smidge.  Not enough. I need something of an EYE LIFT but in a jar/serum, not a knife.  Speaking of eye lift.. I read about a product out on the market.. NuFace. I've SEEN it work and it DOES WORK~  But, at a cost.. One that I can't afford sadly.  Single Mom and all that, but I am saving up for it.  It's one of those things, use it 5 minutes a night and keep on it, and they'll stay UP.. and my "Jowels" will stay up too, and it's INSTANT GRATIFICATION! Something I live for.  That is my next "big purchase" (my first being my clarisonic face brush that I LOVE)  Ok, back to the serums et al.  Started a new system by Peter Thomas Roth. It has some kind of peel, and then some laser free eye and face "gels" that are made with Dragon's blood... so far, I love it.. All of the pieces.  It is WONDERFUL and my face feels so soft, and NO PUFFY under eyes.. it's IMMEDIATE!  I will give this system a month or maybe more to see if it can undo gravity's EVIL wrongdoings to my face...  Stay tuned.. 

OH, FYI:  I LOVE using Kat Von D Exorcism matte lip stain.  I think it's about a $20 dollar bill.   Found a deal on the new "Kylie" lip kit in "kourt".  SAME DAMN COLOR as exorcism and Kat Von D's is WAY cheaper and stays on longer...  In case you were wondering. 

"Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty." Coco Chanel (1983-1971)

Monday, June 22, 2015

It's been awhile...

Ok, so it's been a year.  Maybe over a year. A lot that has happened, but today I just wanted to show y'all a project I recently completed.  I'm doing more of what makes ME happy, and I'm loving it.  I've been redoing furniture.  I've done a few so far, and this one just made me happy.  I found her at GoodWill and gave her a face lift.  I've been wanting to buy some Annie Sloan chalk paints, but they are pretty expensive, so I've been using American Decor and their waxes.  On this project, I used American Decor Everlast chalk paint, and I was able to buy 4oz samples of Annie Sloan clear and dark waxes so I used those to finish the piece.  I also sanded down the top and re stained it in Kona and completed it with Polycrylic on the top.  I love it.  I can't decide if I can find somewhere to put her, or if I'm just going to sell her.  I need to purchase a compressor and some nail guns, so who knows.   
Anyway, I'll be back later with an "update" post, but until then, here she is!


And after: 

 What do YOU think?

Monday, April 14, 2014

2014... So Far..

Well, we moved..  So far so.. ok, not so good.  The move itself was fine.  It was kind of nice to move from such a HUGE house to something more manageable.  IF she'd only help MANAGE it.  :\  It's soo small, anything out of place and it looks like a cluttered mess.  I'm ready to rip her hair out (what's left of it) and sit on her, and honestly I don't even know what to do anymore.  She won't listen.  She pretends to, and says "Ok, Mom, got it".. blah blah blah.  Whatever.  Anyway, seems I wasn't all that smart moving DOWNSTAIRS.  After living in the house, (2 stories) and my knees getting worse, I figured downstairs is perfect.  Until the lelefants moved in above me.  WHO DOES LAUNDRY AT 4AM!?!?!  Or HAND washes dishes at 1am?!  Someone up there is really into some kind of twerkin, zumba, hip hop, stomponthedamnfloor dancin shit, and it SUCKS.  I have tuned much of it out (having kids makes that easier) but she constantly complains about them.  And my poor Mojo, if they drop something up there, Mo instantly jumps up and looks around like some stealth FBI dog or something.  She's gonna die of a heart attack.  She's done SOO good with being potty trained, she holds everything until we get home and then we take her out and she's good.  Sometimes tho she'll wake me up at 2am to go out, but it's cool because she's not shit in the house or anything for 2 weeks so far! It is SOOO hard not having ALL my dogs, I won't go into it, because it still hurts too damn much...  So, I'm looking into spending the extra $300 or so that I wanted to SAVE every month, and moving to the 2 br 2 car garage.  Bottom floor is the garage and washer / dryer.  Middle is kitchen, dining, living room, her room, bathroom and walk in closet, and MY room is the top (QUIET) with the loft and my bathroom and bigger walk in closet.  I say I am HOPING to do this.  I've been there 2 weeks, and it's just too small, and the lelefants will drive me mad.  I talked to the leasing office and now just waiting to hear what the mucky mucks say about it.  Cross your fingers!!
Tomorrow is back to court.  Yay.. (laced heavily with sarcasm). 
We went last month, where I turned in pages and pages of everything going on etc... and he showed up with no lawyer.  Seems he got dropped. Quelle Horreur.   NOT!  It was bound to happen.  Anyway, seeing as he had no lawyer he played stupid and said he didn't know HOW to turn in the requested papers that he needed (with over a month to FIND HELP, WHATEVER LOSER).  So the "sub" judge that day decided that we needed to go back to mediation and that the kid needed to as well, and let's all meet back "tomorrow".  I put in my papers for her to see him every other Saturday 8 am - 8 pm.  That's it.  Since she HASN'T seen him since last year, she's on HONOR ROLL.  She's not stressed about him, she concentrates on her homework and DOES IT etc...  I see no need for week day visits just so he can yell at her... again.  Now, after she went to her mediation and told me what she said to the lady, I don't THINK he'll actually get any because even when he sent the sheriff to my house, to make her go see him, the sheriff said "We can't make her go, you have a good night" and left.  So... we'll see what they say.   
Found out a good friend of mine is going to be divorcing.  He left her, no reason why nothing.  Just "I'm done".  I personally can understand that, because that was me when I left.  I was DONE.  Seems he's lied and there is someone else, after repeatedly denying it.   Long story short, caught him.  And what's worse, it's a friend of Hers.  :'(  So, spending time with her, doing what I can to be supportive.  And I have court tomorrow for my own crap.  Easter is next weekend, and we were invited to go the Havafew for it.  (Not taking the boat out tho).  We decided to go (yesterday) and today I thought about it, they will be gone, so bug and I can be home this weekend and NOT have to do anything for anyone.  We can go to the community breakfast with the Easter Bunny and just do "our thing" and talk and get back to some kind of "normal", together.  Whatever that is.

Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else's anchor