Life is good... ish...

Well.. Here we go again.  She didn't go to college. She didn't have a dorm room to set up.  She didn't leave home to go to school.  I on the other hand, left the damn near most expensive state in the country, (Cali) and started over.  I am very glad I did.  She came with me for less than 2 weeks to help me get situated. Then, she went to Hawaii to spend time with her Dad before College started.  She went paddle boarding, fishing, and hiking.. She had a blast. 
I unpacked, and got ready to start a new job. Sounds about normal.  ish. 
Then she said she wanted to leave Hawaii after 2 months, and come back "home".  I thought she meant MY home.  So I got her a ticket back to Cali, she was going to get her car and head to me.  Ya, that isn't the happy ending I was looking for.  She decided she isn't going to college.  Nope, it's not "my thing" she said. Full ride.  Paid for.  And she turned it down.  She stayed in California for almost a year, living with different friends from high school.  She worked to have her own money.. she was happy.  I thought.
THEN came the news.  I want to join the Air Force.  Ok, that's fine.  She could learn something during her time there. 1/2 way thru that process, she changed her mind to join the Navy instead. She went thru about 3 months of meetings, and all kinds of stuff.  She went to boot camp (in Illinois) on the day that would have been my mom's 65th birthday.  Long story short, she scored very high on the entrance test (ASVAB) that she is now in Nuke School.  It's better than nothing, and she's happy to have made her OWN decision.  Not what Grama wanted, not what Mom or Dad wanted, HER decision.  And she couldn't be happier.  It is tough she said, schooling.. but she wants to be in the belly of a submarine for her "job."  I'm still on the fence about that. 
I however, had the job I moved for.  Then, they ran out of work.  I got another job, and had more than one boss, and I could never finish anything because the other boss gave me more work.  That didn't work out. 
At All.   So, I quit and decided to start working for myself. 
I have a few companies that I'm working on, that I should start seeing dividends beginning of 2020.  I'm happy.   I get to spend time with my dad for 6 months of the year (when it snows 6 feet at his house he comes down here).
Life is good.  ish.

"If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavor."  -Eleanor Roosevelt

So many changes.... Again.

I don't even know where to begin.   Everything, literally EVERYTHING is changing.  She graduated.  High School.  She's leaving for college.  In another state.  Like gone. Away from me. I'm alone again.  I'm back to when I left my house when I was 17 years old, leaving my parents home for the first time, and I'm freaking out.  WHY am I freaking out??  Sure she is, as she should be, she's going to miss her friends, not me, her friends, as it should be of course, but why I am I freaking out?  Yes, I'll miss her. It's been the two of us for the last 15 years, I think growing up together, but this time it's different.  I left home with the world waiting for me. Ready to do some damage or so I thought. Here. I. Come. I was ready.  I've spent the last 18 years pretending to raise a child, and now she's going off to college, and I'm leaving Ca to move to another state because WHY do I need to stay here, there is no one here for me, she's gone, but I'm leaving, to start my life.  My. Life.  And I'm scared. To death.  What the entire hell is wrong with me? I am a grown ass woman for fks sake! I own GUNS, I can take care of myself and yet, I am scared?  Fearful?  Yes. I am. And I think it's normal and maybe even ok.  I've been alone raising her so it has to be normal for me to feel like this, some part of that "empty nest" bullshit or whatever.  Don't get me wrong, I am SO HAPPY for her, she NEEDS this to live her life, and I am happy to finally start my life again.  I already have a house, a job lined up making more money etc.. so it's all good, but living alone.  Again.  That has me a little spooked.  I have my trusty .9mm gun to keep in my room but I think once I move, I might need to pick up a couple more to keep in other places in the house to get a little more access to, "if" the need arises..  you never know living alone, you need to "feel safe"  ;)
I'm glad to finally be able to leave Ca and get out of this tax rich hell hole once and for all, and start a new life.. meet new people (somehow) and force myself to get out and do things.  That one will be tough for me to do, but I need to find a way to do it.  I really want to take a pottery class and a cooking class.. My kid seems to think I am going to die once she's gone since she likes to feed me, and I won't be able to fend for myself.. um hello??  Ever heard of Top Ramen??   HAHA kidding, that shit is nasty.  My mom used to make the best cheese on toast in the broiler, and that was just delish..  
Anyway, I can't wait to move, 2 more weeks.. I have a pool, so I am VERY happy, that'll help with my back, and my dog.. I can't wait to take her to the shelter to meet a new friend to bring home so she has a buddy.. THAT will be a feat in itself.  She hates the world accept me and "sissy" so we'll see how that goes. 
Having my current job (that I will temporarily retire from this week) actually "let me go" along with the entire California plant is such a blessing.  We get so stagnant in our lives, and I am THE WORST with change.  I'd be so content staying right where I am and not leave or move on for years.  But the takeover has forced me to do the opposite.  I HAVE TO LEAVE, along with everyone else. It's sad, bittersweet and a challenge and cleansing to say the least and it couldn't have come at a better time with her going off to college. It's funny how you think "Oh no, NOW what am I going to do, how am I going to get by" etc.. all these thoughts..  I couldn't sit around and do that. I am ONE income.  I had to just DO something, so I literally picked a state, I made plans, but, those plans changed, I picked another state, found a house, put down my deposit, set up all the utilities to be turned on, and started the ball rolling.  Sent out my resume, and within a week, was offered a job. After a couple weeks, that job fell thru, they needed someone sooner.  So I paid to have my resume professionally redone (waste of money, turns out) only to have the original job call me back to offer me the job AGAIN and send me a contract which is now signed, and ready for me to start work.  I know that everything works out somehow, I ALWAYS tell her that, which she doesn't believe until she sees it happen.  I don't always believe it either, I usually have to see it too, to reinforce that I believe it myself.  But I do know, it happens for a reason, even if it's not a good reason.   This time, it just worked out and I couldn't be happier. Even losing my job, I couldn't be happier because it forced me to go move on to something different.  15 years at one place, with no moving up ...  it's time to move "on".  
She's staying in a dorm for the first year, and deathly afraid she won't make friends, which is just ludicrous. She's crazy. Her dorm mates will be her first mates the minute she gets there!!  I know she won't have any problems, but she won't listen to me, then says "I already have my friends here!, I don't need any more friends"..  I tried to explain that you make friends ALL THRU LIFE! Work friends, high school friends, college friends, ALL sorts of friends, but you only KEEP a handful of REAL friends that you'll carry with you for life.  Those ones are the ones you keep with you always.  HOW do you get it thru her head that she DOESN'T know better and that I KNOW EVERYTHING? (no, I really do). If ANYONE has any ideas that I can TELL her to help with this, I'm ALL ears.  Sidenote:  I've already told her *most* college freshmen are just as afraid as she is and just as worried about making friends and this big scary world etc, besides the crazy ones that are all excited to get out of the house and think they are ready for it. Any input is welcomed.
So, time for both of us to move on for our reasons, whatever they may be, to better ourselves even tho I will miss her every single minute of every single day and night until I see her again.  I hope she doesn't delete the Skype app after a week. 

"Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wish I knew what that reason was"   ~Unknown

it's been 10 years...

It's been 10 years now. 10 long years since I started this thing. And stopped. Then started again.  And stopped again, and you get the picture.  I'm supposed to be committed to it.  And I am.  Kind of. I look back at 10 years of posts, before I mentioned anybody by name, and spoke a lot about "the kid"..  Looking back and reading all the old posts.. I had a lot of insight. I feel like I've become so jaded. It's a little sad. And depressing.  Is it because of where I work? Friends? People no longer friends?  Why is that? I think over time, it just happens to everyone eventually.  So much has changed over the past 10 years.  Shit, so much has changed in the past year, hell even in the past 6 months!  I am AMAZED, dumbfounded even at how much things constantly change. 
To name a few, I am back in touch with one of my closest friends, because I found out from one of the kids, that she might have brain cancer.  REALLY?! Cancer?  Long story short, it turns out to be a tumor that can't be removed.  We are too young for this sort of shit! Brain tumors.. no.  Not to people we know. During the process of this, in talking to my brother, things seemed "off".  Off in a way you kind of know in your gut something is wrong.  Since he is really the only person in my family I "talk to" on the regular, I did some "googling" like everyone says to do, and I found an obituary..  Of my Mother's passing. So there's that.  Granted, I didn't talk to her much but to find that on the internet, is difficult, so I found the strength to call my dad, and finally after a few days got a hold of him and found out the details of her passing (4 days shy of her 64th birthday).  Another Brain thing, aneurysm. It was rather quick and for that I am so grateful, I'd hate to have heard she suffered as she had during her life.  Anyway, I also found out my brother married, four days later,  ON my mother's Birthday, which He told me about, however, he FAILED to mention her passing..(I didn't know of her passing when he told me he had married, I found out after he told me of his marriage et al, that's where things seemed "off" and I found the obit)  Ok, so that placed a rather large wedge between us, and I immediately ceased speaking to him for a few months. Not sure why he felt that necessity, but that's on him and I'll never find out why because I'll never ask. (As of this posting today, we are speaking (read: Texting again)   He received 50/50 custody of his now 3 or 4 year old son last month, which is fantastic, and I'm very happy for him, and I also just found out that his new wife is wait for it.... Pregnant.  Between them, they'll have 5 kids. Congratulations. 
So... on my home front... let's see... I'm still working (part time right now (furlough time) it is what it is, I kinda like that day off even if it is unpaid, it's not too bad.. and studying to take on another job, because let's face it.. in this economy who's not out there trying to get a second or third job nowadays!  Especially in a ONE income household..  The kid got her first job, I am so proud of her!!  She's learning how to deal with bosses and that you can't talk back to them like you can to "mom" and that it sucks.  However, one of her bosses called her "a 1/3 of a person" the other day and I about blew a gasket. She said she was ok, and I told her "Oh Hell No you are NOT ok, that is NOT ok, and bosses are NOT to condescend you like that, and should be reprimanded!" So she did speak to another boss, and did get that taken care of, thankfully.  She is learning "office politics" and oh she does not like it but she's learning to handle it.  It's fun to listen to.  
She's a senior this year, and getting ready to apply to college.  I can't believe she's going to LEAVE me.  For reals.  LEAVE. As in and entirely different STATE.  But, she'll be closer to grandparents so she's ok with it. Uh, what am I?  Chopped liver?!  Thanks a lot!  
She's driving now.. She has a Honda Accord (Used) that she just loves.. we've had to replace some parts, and spend some of her "paychecks" that she's not too thrilled with, but I explained, "That, my dear, is LIFE".  We have things that break, we have to spend our money.  Of course I helped her to pay for it, but I won't be around forever, when she's off to college, so we are working on a budget now, to save save save!  She doesn't like having only $20 a week to "waste".. she'll learn. I just want to teach her EVERY possible thing I can before she leaves for college.  It's not like I haven't had 17 years to do it, I feel like I have to cram so much into such little time.  I've tried to be hero, all these years, I want to be HER hero, but she's got this I think? Does she? Will she? I know she'll call me every day, but she won't "need to" I think it'll be more for me, maybe equally for her, I don't know. She's stronger than she thinks.  She wrote a paper for school and said I was her Hero. But I don't know, I don't think so anymore.  I think she's becoming such a strong young woman, she just doesn't see it yet. She will, soon enough. Right? 
Anyway that is just in the last 4.5 months.  Like I said, so much has changed.  I can't even remember a year back.  So we'll just leave it at that.  Oh and I am talking to my dad more and I couldn't be happier, he is MY hero after all. 

“Maybe I’m not the hero to her I've always tried so hard to be, because right now, I feel as if she doesn't even need a hero. Why would she? She has someone so much stronger than I’ll ever be for her. She has herself.” 
― Colleen Hoover, Maybe Someday

All moved in... Sorta..

So Dano and I are finally moved in for the most part..  I still have some boxes of shit in the garage, I really need to go thru and just donate to clean up some space.  I LOVE the new house.  A lot. :)  It's too big, but I don't care. Dano is OVER THE MOON.  She has a new BFF next door, named Kira (pronounced like Keira as in Knightly) and they are inseparable. She got two puppies (well, 9 months old or so)  Black mouth Cur is the breed... ADORABLE!! Love them.  Well, I love all dogs... (bigger than a terrier tho, I can't stand yippy dogs... )  They are howling at night because they are new to the house.. Well, let me back up a second.. Lilah, my BABY great dane / pit mix is a SCAREDY CAT!  4th of July, she FLIPPED out during fireworks.. she'd never seen them so they scared the shit outta her :(  Well, last night (a week after the holiday) I tried taking Lilah out front again.  NOPE. Dragged my ass back to the front door.. Poor thing, I'll keep trying.  The kids lit off LOUD ass fireworks last night.. FREAKED my baby out, AGAIN.  She ran FLED into the house, THROUGH the screen door, upstairs to MY room, into my closet.  I HATE that she is so afraid... long story short, I worked with her a while, and got her back outside.  Then the two puppies next door started howling.  It sounded soo funny to me, but poor Lilah, has her head cocked to the side, and her ears back (looks like she's in a wind tunnel)... and starts howling at them.  I gave up and took her with me to take a bath and relax... I bathed, she laid in the closet watching me.  
Hhhmmm that got a little off topic!  LOL  Back to Dano.. so she decided last night, she wants to stay home and hang out with the kids today.  I'm all for that, but her dad doesn't think she's old enough to be home alone.  Well, technically it's not home alone.. it's hanging out with friends in the neighborhood... and their Moms are home.  (I'm jealous... I want to be home too!)  As y'all know, Dano tells me everything... So last night she tells me, Mom, the girls want to try to sneak into the movies tomorrow.  Ok, have fun.  I don't have a problem with her doing that, but explained what happens when they get caught, and that it won't turn out well, and that she should try to talk to the girls today before attempting this, to try to sway them.  I don't know if it'll work but she said she'd call me.   What I wouldn't give to be her age again, and have close friends... (I didn't have any, long boring story... ) 
I hope she has fun, learns from her mistakes, and ALWAYS ALWAYS feels that she can tell me anything.. That is my biggest fear, that she will stop... and that I won't know her anymore.. She's growing up sooo fast.  Anyway... Happy Monday :) 

another year..

Another year has come and gone.  This is the last of my 30's.. Makes me a little sad.  Dano and I went to lunch yesterday (Yes, I kept her out of school.  It's good to play hooky once in a while no?) and had a really fun day together.  Amazing that, this child that I created, has such different tastes than I do!! HA!  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, which we both love, (THANK GOODNESS!) and she learned more on how to play poker with that table game thingy... I know, Mom of the year right?  haha  Anyway, after that she decided she wanted to get a DRESS for her Star award banquet this coming Friday.  Each year for state testing she's always scored almost the top of the class, last year was no exception.  She's getting another Gold Medal.  :)  I am very proud of her.  Now, back to the "taste" in clothing thing... hhmmm, where do I even start?  Things I picked out thinking, "kinda plain, simple, she's not really into dresses so these should be safe"... she turns around and picks out PROM dresses!  WTH!?!  Like with FLOWERS and lace and ruffles and "poofy" bottoms...  I. Don't. Get. It.  WHO is this kid?!  Long story short, WE decided on a black dress, thicker "lace" strap thingys which are a bit wider than the two finger width requirement, and a "shrug".  WHAT is that anyway?  Oh, Newsflash.  I don't WEAR dresses.  Or "shrugs", whatever they are.  She did look beautiful when she was trying them all on.  THAT was actually fun.  OH! WHAT 12 year old (barely) girl wears a 9 1/2 shoe!!? Good grief, I am having issues.. HAHA  Her feet are bigger than mine, her poor chest is bigger than mine EVER was at any age near 12 (I was a late bloomer, flat chested til almost 14) I can't stop smiling right now.  As frustrating as my 12 year old is, she is SUCH a blast.  I can honestly say I know I wasn't anything like her at 12.  I was more reserved, took care of my younger siblings, played "Mom" for years... so it's hard for me to figure out WHO this kid is that I am trying to raise.  Quite honestly, so far so good.  I may be right, or wrong, who knows, but she is my very best friend in the world.  I am her mother first, but man, when I don't have to be "Mom", we have such a great time together.  I am trying to cherish every minute of this, because I fear like all mothers do, that she'll hit the magical age where she will hate me.  She will stop telling me everything.  I will be the "enemy".  I can't bear that thought yet.  We've discussed that, we'll I've brought it up to her, and then she cries and tells me she will NEVER ever hate me, and that she wants to be with me forever..  I know, a 12 year old talking...  I just want life to slow down a little bit, and keep my little girl little, as long as I can....   Happy Birthday to me.  :)

This was the day before her 3rd Birthday at Disneyland 9 years ago... Just the two of us.. THAT was a great Birthday... :) 

Is it just me..

I dunno if it's a "chick thing", or what, but seriously, for NO REASON I am in "one of those moods".. I know I've been here before, but this time, I don't know if I'm depressed, or upset or blah or what.  I'm tired of being thrown under the bus (work related), repeatedly no less, I'm tired of making people a priority when no one does that for me (everyone in general)..  No I don't do it to get something in return but Christ... I exist too.  I need "help" sometimes too.  I want friends too..  For reals, this is NOT a pity party.. just venting to get it off my chest I think so maybe I'll feel better..  Dano is making me I~N~S~A~N~E lately.  Her constant "I forgot my homework at school" bullshit is making me go gray like 100x faster than usual.  And, I'm SURE I'm losing my hair too now.  I told her last night, (not very prettily I might add) that I'm done, and at court next month I'm giving the other parental figure joint custody back.  I told her I can't do it anymore. I go out of my way for her, do everything I can for her, and no matter WHAT I say, it means NOTHING to her.  Ya ya she's almost 12 and is "at that age" where she doesn't give two shits about what I say blah blah yadda yadda.  I don't care.  I am the MOM and if you don't want to listen to me, and you think it's bad here.. good, GO STAY WITH HIM.. you will PRAY to whoever to get you out of that.. AGAIN.  So, after I let her have it, (on the drive home when I picked her up from "his" house), she immediately walked into the house, went straight to the shower, then got her pj's on, made both our lunches (samwiches) for today, got all her school work ready (backpack loaded up) and laid out her school clothes.  All without me saying a word.  Well, besides all the "words" I'd used on the way home.  Maybe it did "click"... we'll see.  I'll have a better idea if she conveniently forgets her homework again today...  


side note:  I think I use """"" (quotes) too much.. reminds me of Joey on Friends mis using "air quotes".. LMAO!


Ok, so yes.. I'm having a hard day..  Am I a horrible mom for telling her what I did about custody? I mean, really, how much am I do put up with?? I can ground her, but that really does nothing because she'd rather be spending her time doing things with me (Weird child, I know)... suggestions?? THOUGHTS?