Life is good... ish...

Well.. Here we go again.  She didn't go to college. She didn't have a dorm room to set up.  She didn't leave home to go to school.  I on the other hand, left the damn near most expensive state in the country, (Cali) and started over.  I am very glad I did.  She came with me for less than 2 weeks to help me get situated. Then, she went to Hawaii to spend time with her Dad before College started.  She went paddle boarding, fishing, and hiking.. She had a blast. 
I unpacked, and got ready to start a new job. Sounds about normal.  ish. 
Then she said she wanted to leave Hawaii after 2 months, and come back "home".  I thought she meant MY home.  So I got her a ticket back to Cali, she was going to get her car and head to me.  Ya, that isn't the happy ending I was looking for.  She decided she isn't going to college.  Nope, it's not "my thing" she said. Full ride.  Paid for.  And she turned it down.  She stayed in California for almost a year, living with different friends from high school.  She worked to have her own money.. she was happy.  I thought.
THEN came the news.  I want to join the Air Force.  Ok, that's fine.  She could learn something during her time there. 1/2 way thru that process, she changed her mind to join the Navy instead. She went thru about 3 months of meetings, and all kinds of stuff.  She went to boot camp (in Illinois) on the day that would have been my mom's 65th birthday.  Long story short, she scored very high on the entrance test (ASVAB) that she is now in Nuke School.  It's better than nothing, and she's happy to have made her OWN decision.  Not what Grama wanted, not what Mom or Dad wanted, HER decision.  And she couldn't be happier.  It is tough she said, schooling.. but she wants to be in the belly of a submarine for her "job."  I'm still on the fence about that. 
I however, had the job I moved for.  Then, they ran out of work.  I got another job, and had more than one boss, and I could never finish anything because the other boss gave me more work.  That didn't work out. 
At All.   So, I quit and decided to start working for myself. 
I have a few companies that I'm working on, that I should start seeing dividends beginning of 2020.  I'm happy.   I get to spend time with my dad for 6 months of the year (when it snows 6 feet at his house he comes down here).
Life is good.  ish.

"If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavor."  -Eleanor Roosevelt

it's been 10 years...

It's been 10 years now. 10 long years since I started this thing. And stopped. Then started again.  And stopped again, and you get the picture.  I'm supposed to be committed to it.  And I am.  Kind of. I look back at 10 years of posts, before I mentioned anybody by name, and spoke a lot about "the kid"..  Looking back and reading all the old posts.. I had a lot of insight. I feel like I've become so jaded. It's a little sad. And depressing.  Is it because of where I work? Friends? People no longer friends?  Why is that? I think over time, it just happens to everyone eventually.  So much has changed over the past 10 years.  Shit, so much has changed in the past year, hell even in the past 6 months!  I am AMAZED, dumbfounded even at how much things constantly change. 
To name a few, I am back in touch with one of my closest friends, because I found out from one of the kids, that she might have brain cancer.  REALLY?! Cancer?  Long story short, it turns out to be a tumor that can't be removed.  We are too young for this sort of shit! Brain tumors.. no.  Not to people we know. During the process of this, in talking to my brother, things seemed "off".  Off in a way you kind of know in your gut something is wrong.  Since he is really the only person in my family I "talk to" on the regular, I did some "googling" like everyone says to do, and I found an obituary..  Of my Mother's passing. So there's that.  Granted, I didn't talk to her much but to find that on the internet, is difficult, so I found the strength to call my dad, and finally after a few days got a hold of him and found out the details of her passing (4 days shy of her 64th birthday).  Another Brain thing, aneurysm. It was rather quick and for that I am so grateful, I'd hate to have heard she suffered as she had during her life.  Anyway, I also found out my brother married, four days later,  ON my mother's Birthday, which He told me about, however, he FAILED to mention her passing..(I didn't know of her passing when he told me he had married, I found out after he told me of his marriage et al, that's where things seemed "off" and I found the obit)  Ok, so that placed a rather large wedge between us, and I immediately ceased speaking to him for a few months. Not sure why he felt that necessity, but that's on him and I'll never find out why because I'll never ask. (As of this posting today, we are speaking (read: Texting again)   He received 50/50 custody of his now 3 or 4 year old son last month, which is fantastic, and I'm very happy for him, and I also just found out that his new wife is wait for it.... Pregnant.  Between them, they'll have 5 kids. Congratulations. 
So... on my home front... let's see... I'm still working (part time right now (furlough time) it is what it is, I kinda like that day off even if it is unpaid, it's not too bad.. and studying to take on another job, because let's face it.. in this economy who's not out there trying to get a second or third job nowadays!  Especially in a ONE income household..  The kid got her first job, I am so proud of her!!  She's learning how to deal with bosses and that you can't talk back to them like you can to "mom" and that it sucks.  However, one of her bosses called her "a 1/3 of a person" the other day and I about blew a gasket. She said she was ok, and I told her "Oh Hell No you are NOT ok, that is NOT ok, and bosses are NOT to condescend you like that, and should be reprimanded!" So she did speak to another boss, and did get that taken care of, thankfully.  She is learning "office politics" and oh she does not like it but she's learning to handle it.  It's fun to listen to.  
She's a senior this year, and getting ready to apply to college.  I can't believe she's going to LEAVE me.  For reals.  LEAVE. As in and entirely different STATE.  But, she'll be closer to grandparents so she's ok with it. Uh, what am I?  Chopped liver?!  Thanks a lot!  
She's driving now.. She has a Honda Accord (Used) that she just loves.. we've had to replace some parts, and spend some of her "paychecks" that she's not too thrilled with, but I explained, "That, my dear, is LIFE".  We have things that break, we have to spend our money.  Of course I helped her to pay for it, but I won't be around forever, when she's off to college, so we are working on a budget now, to save save save!  She doesn't like having only $20 a week to "waste".. she'll learn. I just want to teach her EVERY possible thing I can before she leaves for college.  It's not like I haven't had 17 years to do it, I feel like I have to cram so much into such little time.  I've tried to be hero, all these years, I want to be HER hero, but she's got this I think? Does she? Will she? I know she'll call me every day, but she won't "need to" I think it'll be more for me, maybe equally for her, I don't know. She's stronger than she thinks.  She wrote a paper for school and said I was her Hero. But I don't know, I don't think so anymore.  I think she's becoming such a strong young woman, she just doesn't see it yet. She will, soon enough. Right? 
Anyway that is just in the last 4.5 months.  Like I said, so much has changed.  I can't even remember a year back.  So we'll just leave it at that.  Oh and I am talking to my dad more and I couldn't be happier, he is MY hero after all. 

“Maybe I’m not the hero to her I've always tried so hard to be, because right now, I feel as if she doesn't even need a hero. Why would she? She has someone so much stronger than I’ll ever be for her. She has herself.” 
― Colleen Hoover, Maybe Someday

2014... So Far..

Well, we moved..  So far so.. ok, not so good.  The move itself was fine.  It was kind of nice to move from such a HUGE house to something more manageable.  IF she'd only help MANAGE it.  :\  It's soo small, anything out of place and it looks like a cluttered mess.  I'm ready to rip her hair out (what's left of it) and sit on her, and honestly I don't even know what to do anymore.  She won't listen.  She pretends to, and says "Ok, Mom, got it".. blah blah blah.  Whatever.  Anyway, seems I wasn't all that smart moving DOWNSTAIRS.  After living in the house, (2 stories) and my knees getting worse, I figured downstairs is perfect.  Until the lelefants moved in above me.  WHO DOES LAUNDRY AT 4AM!?!?!  Or HAND washes dishes at 1am?!  Someone up there is really into some kind of twerkin, zumba, hip hop, stomponthedamnfloor dancin shit, and it SUCKS.  I have tuned much of it out (having kids makes that easier) but she constantly complains about them.  And my poor Mojo, if they drop something up there, Mo instantly jumps up and looks around like some stealth FBI dog or something.  She's gonna die of a heart attack.  She's done SOO good with being potty trained, she holds everything until we get home and then we take her out and she's good.  Sometimes tho she'll wake me up at 2am to go out, but it's cool because she's not shit in the house or anything for 2 weeks so far! It is SOOO hard not having ALL my dogs, I won't go into it, because it still hurts too damn much...  So, I'm looking into spending the extra $300 or so that I wanted to SAVE every month, and moving to the 2 br 2 car garage.  Bottom floor is the garage and washer / dryer.  Middle is kitchen, dining, living room, her room, bathroom and walk in closet, and MY room is the top (QUIET) with the loft and my bathroom and bigger walk in closet.  I say I am HOPING to do this.  I've been there 2 weeks, and it's just too small, and the lelefants will drive me mad.  I talked to the leasing office and now just waiting to hear what the mucky mucks say about it.  Cross your fingers!!
Tomorrow is back to court.  Yay.. (laced heavily with sarcasm). 
We went last month, where I turned in pages and pages of everything going on etc... and he showed up with no lawyer.  Seems he got dropped. Quelle Horreur.   NOT!  It was bound to happen.  Anyway, seeing as he had no lawyer he played stupid and said he didn't know HOW to turn in the requested papers that he needed (with over a month to FIND HELP, WHATEVER LOSER).  So the "sub" judge that day decided that we needed to go back to mediation and that the kid needed to as well, and let's all meet back "tomorrow".  I put in my papers for her to see him every other Saturday 8 am - 8 pm.  That's it.  Since she HASN'T seen him since last year, she's on HONOR ROLL.  She's not stressed about him, she concentrates on her homework and DOES IT etc...  I see no need for week day visits just so he can yell at her... again.  Now, after she went to her mediation and told me what she said to the lady, I don't THINK he'll actually get any because even when he sent the sheriff to my house, to make her go see him, the sheriff said "We can't make her go, you have a good night" and left.  So... we'll see what they say.   
Found out a good friend of mine is going to be divorcing.  He left her, no reason why nothing.  Just "I'm done".  I personally can understand that, because that was me when I left.  I was DONE.  Seems he's lied and there is someone else, after repeatedly denying it.   Long story short, caught him.  And what's worse, it's a friend of Hers.  :'(  So, spending time with her, doing what I can to be supportive.  And I have court tomorrow for my own crap.  Easter is next weekend, and we were invited to go the Havafew for it.  (Not taking the boat out tho).  We decided to go (yesterday) and today I thought about it, they will be gone, so bug and I can be home this weekend and NOT have to do anything for anyone.  We can go to the community breakfast with the Easter Bunny and just do "our thing" and talk and get back to some kind of "normal", together.  Whatever that is.

Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else's anchor

2014.. The year of "Sacrifice"

2013 was quite the year.  A LOT of changes, tears, heartache, happiness, you know a "Typical" year.  Donor hasn't been much help with the kid.  She is AMAZING.  In the past month or so, she and I have laid out her game plan for High School (she starts later this year), and the majority of high school (10 - 12th grades) that she will also be taking college courses so that she can graduate High School with her diploma, as well as her AA in something chemistry related she says.  She hasn't seen "him" in a couple months.  Not even Christmas.  Stopped seeing her during the week back in august of last year, and only a handful of weekends here and there, some of which he took her to friends, and didn't actually "see her".  He's not the point of this anyway. Saw my brother for the first time in years, only to have him USE ME yet again, and I fell for it.  I'm an idiot.  I gave up a LOT of my time, and energy and me in general last year.  Taking a look at my life and finances, there is no way for the kid to go to college.  Well, without taking out loans etc, and I can't buy us a home.  The point is, I have to save a LOT of money to get her to college.  I had no help growing up from MY parents really, so I will make sure I do whatever I can to get her where she wants to go professionally.. I don't know if my parents didn't do much to help because they had 3 kids or what.. but MINE (kid) has a bank account and is learning how to manage her money etc and she's just as excited as I am for what is to come.  
Here comes the year of sacrifice...  With my job and where we live, I can't afford to save squat.  So we are moving.  For anyone that really knows me, this means usually I move wherever I can take my entire family.  I can't just move anymore because I feel like it.  Or like my dad used to say because my apartment got dirty..  I have to move logically.. Can the kid get to school?  Do I know someone that she can hang out with before the long ride to school?  Is there a bus?  All these things have to be taken into consideration.  Long story short, she and I made the decision last night, that we are giving up our beloved dogs.  I'm shedding so many tears writing this just thinking of NOT having them in our lives. And it KILLS ME.  I'm not only a parent to her, but to them as well.  Sadly, I had to make the decision that living in a tiny 2 br apartment just us, is what we have to do, to save up money to put down for a house, and to pay for her schooling.  I've not told anyone around me really, except my bff so that the kid can hang out with her in the morning before school, but that's it.  One the one hand I can literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces, not having my dogs to greet me every day, and wake me up at 2 am to go outside to pee.  I've had them since they were babies..  BUT I KNOW they will find a good home.  I already imagine where they will live.  Will they think I just up and left them? THAT is THE worst feeling I have right now.  That is killing me.     I need to take a break for a minute.. the tears won't stop.
Anyway, will they understand that I have to do what I have to do for her and our little family?  I looked at other places that TAKE pets.. they are both over 50lbs.. bottom line, I have tried to figure out a way, and I don't have a choice.  Once you feel your heart actually break, it is REALLY hard to stop the tears from falling. 
We are selling all of our things, paying off all debt (a whopping 3 grand without my car)... and save every single penny, increase my credit score, and buy a home for us.  We are soooo excited for it, and understand we do have to sacrifice everything this year, so that next year can be perfect and awesome.  I know there are other people worse off than me and others that have everything in the world.. I have what I have, and soon, won't be much, but I have my kid.. and that is my entire life. 

It's all good..

I've finally given up.  Not in a bad way.  Just given up trying to control or change anything.  It seems I'm less stressed just letting things just "be".  I can't change anyone else, well besides Dano, and that is slowly becoming increasingly more difficult.  I can control me.  I can change me.  That's it.  And it's ok.  It's a good thing.  Now, the other part of that is ACCEPTING it.  I'm getting there.  REALLY slowly.  haha.  I accept that I can't change people, but it really is hard to accept that I still WANT to.  Ya know?  Dano's Dad for instance.  I can't change him and how he treats or acts with her.  I can make suggestions, but I can't "CHANGE" any of it.  I still WANT to tho.  Because I am her mother, and we are VERY close, much closer than they have been in years,  I WANT to change how he is.  Not to be mean, or ruin their relationship, but to help it.  Help him understand her, and make it easier maybe?  I mean, come on, she's 12.  And getting to "that" point that her hormones are going to make him inSANE.  He thought I was bad.  HA!  Buddy, you got another thing comin.  I can deal with her and her mood swings, even her FRIENDS (bestie, whatever they are called).  I am the "go to" Mom in answering her friends questions about "girl stuff".  It's all good.  I'm learning what I need to sugar coat, and what I don't.  I like it.  I don't talk to my own mother for reasons  besides that we just don't get along, but all my friends went to her.  Not for this stuff per se` but a lot of them called my mom "Mom".  I don't get that now, nor do I want it, but I AM "DanosMom" and have been since she started school.  I like that tho.  "DanosMom".. sounds pretty cool to me.  Anyway, today is a good day.  No negativity.  I can do my best to change Dano in positive ways, and help her to become a proper young lady... but that's about it.  And it's ok.  :)

Is it just me..

I dunno if it's a "chick thing", or what, but seriously, for NO REASON I am in "one of those moods".. I know I've been here before, but this time, I don't know if I'm depressed, or upset or blah or what.  I'm tired of being thrown under the bus (work related), repeatedly no less, I'm tired of making people a priority when no one does that for me (everyone in general)..  No I don't do it to get something in return but Christ... I exist too.  I need "help" sometimes too.  I want friends too..  For reals, this is NOT a pity party.. just venting to get it off my chest I think so maybe I'll feel better..  Dano is making me I~N~S~A~N~E lately.  Her constant "I forgot my homework at school" bullshit is making me go gray like 100x faster than usual.  And, I'm SURE I'm losing my hair too now.  I told her last night, (not very prettily I might add) that I'm done, and at court next month I'm giving the other parental figure joint custody back.  I told her I can't do it anymore. I go out of my way for her, do everything I can for her, and no matter WHAT I say, it means NOTHING to her.  Ya ya she's almost 12 and is "at that age" where she doesn't give two shits about what I say blah blah yadda yadda.  I don't care.  I am the MOM and if you don't want to listen to me, and you think it's bad here.. good, GO STAY WITH HIM.. you will PRAY to whoever to get you out of that.. AGAIN.  So, after I let her have it, (on the drive home when I picked her up from "his" house), she immediately walked into the house, went straight to the shower, then got her pj's on, made both our lunches (samwiches) for today, got all her school work ready (backpack loaded up) and laid out her school clothes.  All without me saying a word.  Well, besides all the "words" I'd used on the way home.  Maybe it did "click"... we'll see.  I'll have a better idea if she conveniently forgets her homework again today...  


side note:  I think I use """"" (quotes) too much.. reminds me of Joey on Friends mis using "air quotes".. LMAO!


Ok, so yes.. I'm having a hard day..  Am I a horrible mom for telling her what I did about custody? I mean, really, how much am I do put up with?? I can ground her, but that really does nothing because she'd rather be spending her time doing things with me (Weird child, I know)... suggestions?? THOUGHTS?

Why am I going full circle..

So who believes in Fate and all that happens is for some reason or another? Yea, me neither. I mean, once I did. I really did. But the more I think about it, it seems a complete waste to leave everything up to "chance" really. If I want something to happen in my life, I have to Make it happen.  Not leave it up to "fate" or "chance" or whoever to do it for me. I mean, where would that lead me?  If I had done that, let's just say, I wouldn't be the happiest person. Who knows how things would be at this point.. it didn't happen, so Oh Well right?
I guess some things happen for a reason to some degree. Subtely of course. Like the guy who lost his job and was just about broke but because he put his resume out there to every single company he could find, he got a job offer. Things are going well for him now. But did he make that happen with hard work and diligence or did it all happen for a reason to perhaps teach him the lesson that job security doesn't exist and you better have something to fall back on if you ever do get let go?
I still don't know. Maybe a little of both. I would like to think that. I like to try to learn something from all experiences that I've had. You have some bad ones, and you learn from them and swear not to repeat it, but then "fate"(?) steps in and there you are all over again. Is it fate that brought you there? Or your own doing because it's just something you wanted to do again? At what point do you say, "the first time, that was a mistake.. I did it again, now this time it's not a mistake tho, this was a CHOICE".. And what about regret? Do you regret anything? What's the point of regret anyway?  We obviously can't CHANGE the past, but again learn from it, and move on...  I have WAAY too much on my mind right now... 

More Changes..

This past year, there have been a lot of changes in my life.. Mostly for the better.. No need to be negative nelly about the bad stuff.  Yesterday in the mail, I received my reward for spending what seemed to be at LEAST 10 hours of my life trying to make a rather big change.  I got my new drivers license, WITH my new name.  After my divorce was finalized back in 2005 or somewhere around there, I decided it was time to change my name.. I thought about it and thought about it.. and yes, hindsight IS 20/20 and now am glad I did what I did.  I've gone thru a few chapters in my life with different names.  My birth name was one chapter of course.. kinda long too.  TOO long for my taste but, it is what it is.  Then I got married.  We'll skip the diatribe here about what a mistake it was, how could I have been drunk for so many years, blah blah, etc. ANOTHER chapter that was too long.  Meh.  So a few years back, I went to court, and also posted in some obscure newspaper to change my name.  My birth name was NOT something I wanted to be associated with anymore because certain people that still have that name have rather "tarnished" it.. So much so, I don't want ANY association with it.  So in 2008 I legally changed my name, to something else altogether. (and no, not Smith, tho I thought about it.. haha)  FINALLY.  Hold up.. not so fast.  I changed it legally, but never got around to actually CHANGING it and using it.  Since the "incident" occurred in June, that kind of put thoughts into my head, that I REALLY need to move on, and disassociate myself with "that" name.  About a month ago, I went for it.  Headed over to the Social Security office and turned in my paperwork to get the ball rolling.  Once I received that, I went last week to the DMV (I HATE THAT PLACE) and got a new Drivers License..  sidenote:  WHY do the employees at the DMV make sure to get THE ABSOLUTE worst picture of you they can to put on your DL?!?!?!) 
Anyway, I got it in the mail yesterday.  FINALLY.  New chapter starting NOW. Off to change the bank info, checks, atm card, all my utility accounts, work, paycheck etcetera... ugh.. fun times.. haha
The only REAL drawback I see now: Dano told me "That's great.. but now you aren't my mom anymore"..  :( EVERYTHING is different now.. but it's still the same..    RIGHT??